Wednesday, 7 December 2011

The devil makes work for idle hands...and legs...and...

D has decided the devil has "marked" me. I received 6 double yolkers recently and two night's ago we discovered a bruise on my leg in the shape of a perfect # 6. It's perfect - scarily perfect. I'd have photographed the offending bruise but by the time I woke up and remembered to today it's so faded I doubt you'd be able to notice it. It was eerily well formed and spaced. So while we're waiting for the next frightening #6 to appear, I thought I'd take the chance to show you my latest creations;

This is Elton the Sock Monkey - so named as his fancy eyes remind me of Elton John's Glasses! He's the first ever sock monkey I've ever made and he's really great! (The picture doesn't do him justice)

This is my first ever creation from my own imagination and is (obviously) a crab. But he/she needs a name still.

Now comes the part where I ask you guys for help! I'm trying to find a name as the label for all my critters so they stand apart in the crowd of handmade toys. I was thinking ________ Minions, but I can't think of a good first name. Any suggestions are much appreciated!

Monday, 5 December 2011

Today is Reese's Day!


Thanks Jen! I have never tried Marshmallow fluff but I can barely wait for D to arrive to do so! Serious yummy noises are coming from my house now - and I'm pretty certain I can now replace my blood with pure reese's filling.

Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Preachy for a change

When did British = Bitter? That's all I hear now; that and I want, I deserve, I need. Let me remind you of what Ghandi and others have said;
 "A nation's greatness is measured by how it treats its weakest members. -- the last, the least, the littlest."
As Humans we depend on others for co-operation and compassion to survive, every other creature on the planet promotes the survival of the fittest and the weak or injured are left behind. That's what sets us apart. Lose your compassion and you start losing your humanity.
Why is it people are too blind to notice that EVERYONE is in the same boat and just sitting by demanding someone else takes responsibility is childish.
Can nobody remember when such anger and hate towards a scapegoat created a genocide which killed thousands of innocent people?
And can everyone stop having a go at the asylum seekers, the clue is in the name they - came here to avoid DEATH, WAR, MURDER, RAPE and STARVATION - they came to us to save their LIVES and you begrudge them some food, heat and a place to live while they try to understand a new countries language, customs and how to survive in it.


Today I am disgusted with the feed on my book of face. You racist, money grubbing, disgraces. I am ashamed to even class you as acquaintances - let alone friends and colleagues.

And for the rest of you I write this today only because I cannot stay silent any longer, to stay quiet is paramount to agreeing, and seeing so much hate and bitterness from people everyday is becoming distressing. This is not a world I am happy to live in and I am no longer willing to sit by while the people with the louder and angrier voices get to have their say and shape our society.

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

My keyboard is editing my thoughts..

Every now and then in the world we come across different people or things which CRUSH our creative outpourings. This is seemingly par for course - yet none of us expect to find this coming from inside our homes.
Now before you all start pointing the finger at D and throwing cabbages and spoiled fruit let me tell you, for once it isn't D - in fact D has been off work sick and treated to the one-woman comedy show that is my life - laughter IS after all the best medicine.
No the traitorous little censorship monkey is none other than my keyboard. It doesn't seem to matter which key I actually press, my keyboard is dead set on writing words different to the ones I am typing. AND NO IT'S NOT MY CHUBBY FINGERS MASHING THE KEYPAD - I don't HAVE chubby fingers so shush those of you heckling from the peanut gallery.
I can write the word go - which becomes the word do. K's are magically appearing mid-words like whale and bare. Words where I'm not even near a K on the keyboard.
I have begun to wonder if perhaps the keyboard (just spelt kayboard) is trying to communicate with me, and send a special message. But as soon as I begin taking note of the letters it chooses to type they only ever come out as an anagram of kayboard....I mean keyboard again.
At least it isn't saying things like "I know your pin number, I'm going to steal all your money" - unless it just did then...hmmmm

Saturday, 26 November 2011

Tuesday, 22 November 2011

Love and other Drugs

So I'm on a new course of pills from today. Big scary massive pills that threaten to choke me, luckily though D has smashed the pills into more manageable pieces so we won't have another case of 'oh god I'm being suffocated' like we did last time.
I don't remember who gave me the useful pill swallowing tip - and am too lazy to go back and look it up - of staring at the ceiling. Well this worked for me, for a short time, until one day I couldn't remember how to swallow, the water I'd gulped to help sat at the front of my mouth as the pill rolled into my throat. I thought I was dying and began to panic when, by some herculean effort, my throat managed to contract all by itself and swallowed the pill for me, while I was still screaming obscenities in my own head.
So then I decided I was some kind of amazing medical marvel - right up until I remembered lots of people dry-swallow and that's probably how they do it.

So today I've taken the first pill in my three-month course and am already imagining I have blurred vision (a side-effect) and dizziness, a mere thirty-seconds after swallowing.
But everything DOES look blurry round the edges, and I'm not sure if that's my eyes, the lighting, impending cataracts or the medication. But while I can still read I guess it's not that serious, and by that I mean call a frikkin' ambulance I'm going blind.

This is just like the time bleach splashed up into my eye and I got laughed out of the emergency room for going to them about it - but that's WHAT IT SAID TO DO ON THE BOTTLE. Gees.
Apparently that guideline is just for those of us who accidentally pour the bleach directly into our faces. And of course, for legal reasons.

I have to go now, not only have I written the word swallow far more than any non-porn-related post ever should, but I've now developed a ringing in my ears....or is that the doorbell.

Thursday, 17 November 2011

Back Soon

Total Christmas rush is happening in my business and as delightful - and tiring as it is, I don't really have any interesting highlights of my last few days - other than packing a gazillion orders that have seemingly appeared out of no where.
Who knew, I stock all the cool stuff!
As soon as things calm down, and something interesting and non bubble-wrap related happens, I'll be blogging about it. But for now a delivery van has just pulled up outside...a very BIG van - see I can't even make it five minutes into a blog without the business taking over so I must dash now, but hopefully I will get a lull on Saturday and update then! (And hopefully something interesting happens by then, other than me forgetting to do chores, and trying to do laundry around work) - I'm such an exciting daredevil!
Or else, well I'll be forced to explain to you all, how to use the washer and just how many times to kick the door to get it to work properly....
Thrilling stuff eh!

Tuesday, 15 November 2011

Gingerbread man party at my house!

I made my first - ever - gingerbread men last night. And they cooked perfectly - apart from D not greasing the oven tray so they would come off easily (but he's learning so we'll let it go).
I'd have taken a picture but they wouldn't come off the tray in one piece, and then since I had red icing I started colouring them in like they'd been in a car wreck, a limb here, a delicious bit of frosting there...

Let me tell you through, prior to death, they looked awesome. I had struggled to fit them all onto a baking tray so to make room I'd arranged them;

  • Doing the splits
  • Legs together lent against the side of the tray
  • legs bent backwards
  • doing a cannon ball
  • diving
  • jumping (somehow this guy's legs were twice as tall as everyone else's)
  • Having a piggy-back

Then I decided that  maybe the problem was the cutter I was using - which was clearly made by the devil since as soon as you cut the fellows out, their legs and arms clung to it like some kind of torture rack, and I had to prise all their limbs out with a knife....(this might explain bullet 6)
So I scooped out my good ol' halloween cat cutter and started making the gingerfolk some pets - pets which were half their size.
They also looked good but I kept cutting their tails off to try keep them in size proportion.

As you can see the gingerfolk on the right,
 has been mauled by the large Cat on his left.

Monday, 14 November 2011

Learning to drive....again

So I had my first lesson again today. At the start my instructor (i think in an attempt to calm/sympathise with me) said that he thought I wasn't quite ready for my test, and could have done with an extra couple of weeks of practise blah-blah.
But by the end of my FLAWLESS lesson he said, actually you're just fine you made next to no mistakes today and I think it's just nerves that got you.
Talk about a U-turn opinion.

I'm probably going to re-take the test next year, I really don't like the idea of it, but it has to be done, I have been told to go to my doctor first and get something to help calm my nerves.

On lighter notes I made my first even sewing project - and forgot to share it with you! - Don't laugh, I've never made anything before ever.

He's not quite finished, but he's my first ever attempt and I love him! I've since learnt how to make a bauble (now a cat toy) and I'm currently making a hanging star for our Christmas tree!
I have been bitten by the Crafting bug!

Wednesday, 9 November 2011

Who needs a mirror when I have D!

D and I were browsing some photos on the book of face when we came across a girl in a really stupid pose and outfit who had given her picture the caption "When I feel good inside and out I take a picture to remind me how I felt to look at when I'm feeling down"

I started sniggering...

D: What?

Me: Well when I'm feeling down I just look at you and remember it could be worse....

D pushes me off the sofa and I land on my bum laughing my head off while he chuckles at me.

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

Jangling nerves monster vs shrimp Girl

I took my test on Saturday, and I failed. Ironically I failed for driving too close to parked cars, which is something I'd been taught to do - well up until I found out that's why I'd failed and my instructor suddenly said "ah I thought that might be a problem" It took all my self control not to turn to him and say, well YOU told me to stay close.

That aside, if they'd passed me I'd have been worried. The lesson before my exam my instructor took the opportunity to teach me BRAND NEW THINGS making me very unsure of my abilities.
As soon as I began the test I felt the nerve jangling monster reach up from it's nest in my stomach, coiling it's limbs around my heart, mouth, joints and proceeding to shake me uncontrollably from side to side.
I struggled to do even the simplest thing, finding gears was an action of the past. I even got three minors for steering, as my instructor said there is no way I can get minors for steering so obviously I was a wreck.
I drove in no gear, in the wrong gear, the whole time trembling so hard my foot kept falling off the clutch.

It was horrible.

The guy testing me though was very kind, he gave me extra tries at my questions (I was too nervous to answer properly) He knew I was nervous and several times told me, just put it behind you and don't let it affect the rest of your test.
Every time we did anything though he was write,write,writing away in his little book which put me in a state of paranoia
scribble, scribble *oh god what did i do wrong then* scribble scribble *god what did I do then i thought that was okay scribble scribble *why is he still writing!*

To not write my own abilities off completely - I did ACE my manoeuvre (at this point I'd gotten a sod-it attitude and just whacked the car back) and my independent driving (where they tell you a  location and you follow the signs there)  went fine, because I could drive alone and with no pressure.

When the test ended I waited for the examiner to leave then burst into tears, not because I failed but because I'd been so nervous and scared for an entire week, I'd not been eating or sleeping properly and it was the relief of tension that it was over. I'm really not looking forward to trying again though.

Thursday, 3 November 2011

Men and Mo-vember

Warning, this is probably going to offend some people (D) and if you are easily offended (D), just don't read on, simples right? If you DO read on and you DO get offended, that's on you (D). This is my space and I can sit around naked talking crap if I want to....wait....what?

It's going around Facebook and D's work at the moment that November is the month where, to raise awareness of testicular cancer, men grow themselves a moustache.

I hate things like this.

No I'm no Pogonophobic, I just do NOT understand how having facial hair raises awareness for something.

What would raise awareness is having "testicular cancer is one percent of all diagnosed male cancers, check yourself" tattooed on your forehead, wearing a massive t-shirt or sign, and even maybe walking around bottomless (if you're male) with a "how to check yourself" poster. Simply donning a beard in no way actually raises awareness.

I hated it when breast cancer awareness month came around and some idiot decided we should "write down where we have left our handbag but not explain why" so Facebook was filled with "I do it on the floor" "I do it on the stairs" yet participants were instructed not to reveal the secret behind what the posts were talking of, so how exactly DOES THAT RAISE AWARENESS???
Another year it was "write the colour of your bra as your Status, but don't tell anyone why.."
You know what raises awareness better than facial hair, random colours and locations being facebooked?

Everything else.

And just trust men to come up with a way to "raise awareness" that involves even less effort than normal day-to-day activities.
Woman walk, jog or run for breast cancer to raise money for the cure amongst other publicised activities, and men....they just stop shaving for a month. Well guys - we know you didn't like doing that anyway, kudos for putting in the minimum effort required.

I mean it's not as if we are going to look at every person with facial hair and go 'WOW that raises my awareness for testicular cancer!' So many men have facial hair even when it's not November, we're probably not going to really notice.
The only person who will notice is your wife/girlfriend who will tell you to shave the damn thing off and go up to the hospital and get that suspicious-looking testicular lump you've been avoiding looked at already.

(By the way, anyone being sponsored to grow a moustache to raising money for Testicular Cancer research is a-okay to me, that makes sense, sort-of...I mean, you couldn't do a sport? No? Okay, but it's the other "huh,uh,huh I'm gonna grow a moustache *snort* cause I hate shavin'....I mean, for testicular cancer awareness *snort*" guys that drive me nuts....D is borderline becoming one of these guys, for all the lazy reasons aforementioned)

If you would like to raise your own awareness on testicular cancer please go here.  If you would like to raise awareness for others about testicular cancer, then please share the link; just don't dye your hair, braid your beard or start growing a moustache, or December will be 'Santa only left you a razor and wax strips for Christmas - you hairy yeti' month.

You know what else I'm going to do? Every imbecile who tells me "uhhuhuhhuh I'm growing this fuzz to raise awareness for testicular cancer" is going to be asked to provide me with THREE facts/pieces of info on testicular cancer. Those who can't answer will receive three quick kicks to the crotch.
Now THAT will raise awareness.
(if not of testicular cancer, at least of avoiding me, win,win)

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

Make me a good driver.. pleeeease!

My test is soo soon and I'm going from feeling capable to believing I'll crash.
I attempted reversing round a corner for the first time the other day and it went fine, I also did a turn in the road which, umm wasn't too great but my third attempt really was good.

Then I did them again many times can you mess up turns out the answer is many.
I hit the kerb, mounted the kerb, turned the wrong way, went too fast, went the wrong way and on and on. Now I'm getting worried that I'm only just being taught this stuff and my exam is on SATURDAY, SATURDAY d'ya hear me SATURDAY.
I'm doomed, DOOMED I tells ya. 
So you can all go return your party frocks and you may as well eat my celebration cake too, I'm probably going to fail, based on either the manoeuvre I'll mess up, or the complete flap doing the manoeuvre puts me in for the rest of my test.  

And all I can think is "this test is so expensive, you'd better pass" "you need to be able to drive already" "if you don't pass now you won't get to try again till the new year and then it'll be too late" over and over.

/ End of freak-out.

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Crafty winds are blowing

I've always wanted to be crafty and talented at sewing, and now that I'm on the market stall and the weather is fast turning chilly, I decided it's time to start trying my hand at a few projects and maybe even make that quilt on my 100 by 100 list!
Part of my reason behind this is all the fairs I sell at I'm surrounded by crafters, and it's making me slightly ashamed that I'm NOT making all my own decorations etc. And these ladies are so talented, surely some of it can rub off, right?
Well I'll tell you one bit that has rubbed off.....the bit where I get to shop for new supplies for my hobby (that by the time they arrive I might not be into any more)

So I've ordered some felt and flame-retardant stuffing to make a few Christmas decorations and a baby toy, I'm drooling over buttons to add later. I'm trying to learn how to make a sock monkey (thanks to the craft set I sell at work) and I just found these wonderful pre-cut squares for less than £3 including shipping. EXCELLENT!

Now if someone reading here is crafty, please alert me now if hand-sewing them is the worst possible idea, I don't own - nor understand - how to use a sewing machine and if I really need one, please give me a heads-up.
I'm sure my need to suddenly be crafty may pass but surrounded by crafty souls I'm catching the bug!

Thursday, 27 October 2011

My empire. Please note, empire may currently be plague ridden and tissue covered.

I'm still dying but while I burn all the plague ridden items in my house, I thought I'd share with you the pics from my new store. Get ready because it's pretty.
Please note all the work you see here, apart from assembling the desk, was done by me. that means there were no employees, no designers (that part is probably obvious) and no unpackers.

 I'll start with the before pic, since it's always the best way to start, and then show you my stall (or at least how it was last week before I sold a bunch of stuff

We sold out of the paper lazers in the first day, high-five!

 D sold Spongebob, HUZZAH! I was so sick of staring at his stupid little feet dangling over my bookcase for the last twelve months, the question is, do I restock him?

That pumpkin design was created by me *cough* D *cough* on the computer and then I stapled it onto the hanging pumpkin :D

That's my little empire, or the start of it anyway, I need some flooring and a few extra shelves, but it really does look good, bright cheerful and eye-catching, just the way a children's book,toy and craft stall should! We were very impressed by the enthusiasm over our stall last week and hope that it might continue (and we might earn some more money) it's been a risky venture but with a bit of hard-work and good luck it might just succeed.

Now if you would like to hear my actual voice as I was interviewed live on the radio at the stall, go Here! Fast forward to 1:14:45 and you'll hear my five-minute interview.
My MIL heard me on the radio and bought me some flowers since I'm 'famous now' which was really great of her and made my day, well until I got home to D, his giant bear hug and massive bouquet of white lillies and a slab of chocolate fudge cake. He knows me so well.
Well I shall be back again on Monday, with hopefully some funny halloween-on-the-stall pictures and stories.

Wednesday, 26 October 2011

Driving me crazy

I used to get better a lot faster than this, apparently childhood spoiled me.
My driving test is one short week away and I'm being forced to cancel my lessons this week since
a) I cannot breathe without my mouth open
b) My concentration is very low
c) I keep sneezing so I don't want to drive with my eyes shut
d) I don't want to get out of my pjs
e) I'm sick dammit

I'm getting scared I am going to fail my test, before I felt confident, I mean you just drive, right? But my "wonderful" friends have filled me with so many nightmare tales I think I'll be lucky to get off the parking lot without the tester screaming, grabbing the wheel and demanding I never drive again.
That aside, I know I can drive.
I may lack finesse or experience but I can drive. I've been doing it for two months with the instructor, I can drive at a perfectly acceptable level. I mean, I haven't hit anyone (yet) or crashed (yet) or broken the law too much.
I can get from a to b without too much destruction so surely if I do that on the day I'll pass, right? Please? I don't have much more money for the learning part of driving. What am I saying, I bankrupt my bank account about £300 ago.

Please let me pass, please, I'll only use my driving powers for good and not evil, and I'll even take D to work at 5am...ummm scratch that last part, but I will be very, very good. Vote for me to pass my test :) (It is a voting system right, if I get enough votes I pass, yeah?)

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

D is wrong, wrong, wrong - but what's new

D arrived home from work and decided my on-line diagnosis was incorrect, that I don't have the flu but am simply hungover.
I am not hungover, for one I have never been hungover (bless my body chemistry) but I have had plenty of bouts of flu, ergo I KNOW when it's flu I'm having. Plus what hangover comes with a faucet-face and shredded voice box. None, HA!
Today I feel minutely better, I think, it's too soon to tell. My dear friend Emmzie has offered to come by and run my business for a few hours so I can recharge my batteries. I know this has only knocked me down so much because I have been working so hard, eating and sleeping so little these last few weeks.
Thankfully it should be over and done with by the time I re-open the shop on Friday, and then D has a wonderful week off, and I plan on more vodka and pool next Sunday with him, since I was so awesome at both drinking the vodka and shooting some pool last night.

In the meantime I'm curled up watching Downton Abbey and wanting to own a country house - I can always dream.

Monday, 24 October 2011

It's a sad day when it's 4 degrees outside but your ice lolly melts before you can eat it

I have THE flu. Not the little kind, the big, 'I woke up at 3am feeling like someone had filed away my larynx' flu.
This is probably due to all my recent rushing around and would explain why, at the stall on Friday other market stall holders were asking me if I was cold and that maybe I should put a coat on, when I was BOILING in the frigid weather.
My temperature is so high my ice lolly (much needed to sooth my abused throat) is MELTING if I simply breathe out in it's general direction.
I'm not sure whether this flu has been brewing for a while or was bought on by my four vodka's and three games of pool last night (I rock, even the old guys at the bar told me so, I was making trick shots all over the place) followed by a walk home in what felt to me like the middle of summer.
I'm seriously hot today, and I feel so - let's be honest - whiny, I don't want to do the 30+ orders that have come through on-line.
If I do, I might just die! For reals! My brain hurts just trying to put words into straight lines that make sense. Don't make me do accounts and orders and writing envelopes and then walking to the post office and posting the envelopes. PLEASE.
People can wait an extra day for me to mail things, right? I mean Christmas is a while away, right?
*grumbles* FINE I'll go get my coat.

*please note now my business establishment is up and running, normal mon-thurs blogging will return*

Thursday, 20 October 2011

Men have a different idea about where the next tech advancements should be...

D : "Our next washing machine should be a direct drive"
Me: "No, our next washing machine should hang, dry, iron, fold up and put away the laundry"

HA! I showed him!

Wednesday, 19 October 2011


This is one part of the stall, all set up, just another six spaces and a display table to go..

Tuesday, 18 October 2011


This is my unit the day I moved in, I'm part-way to having it set-up now and I am so excited. It's starting to look really professional, just like I wanted!!

Sunday, 16 October 2011

All is fair in love and long as there is cake...there should ALWAYS be cake

So I'm rushing around like a mad thing but thought I'd take the time to update ya'll on my life and the craziness it now is.

The neighbours

You know, the ones who I went to war with over cat toileting and slug pellets, well the war is over and I won - or at least I think I did. They were having a party last night and we'd wished them happy birthday and all that, then a few hours later they knocked on the door and brought us slices of Birthday cake. They are now my new best friends. (I did leave the cake to one side for 30 see if D died after eating his piece) The cake is wonderful, it had three layers, one seemed to be soaked in orange booze, it had chocolate chips, sprinkles, butter cream filling, iced top, coconut sprinkles, those awesome candy metallic balls and well it was awesome.

The driving

My test is soon, after my conversation with my friend (I did NOT know I can fail for accidentally being in the wrong gear or slowing down too early) I am pretty certain I'm going to fail.

The business

I go to set up tomorrow, and it's forecast to be cold and snowing by the end of the week, oh that helps.
I also need to dress up for Halloween the following week, and now need to iron my bo peep costume, so there are two frustrating hours I'm never going to get back.

My life

I'm trying to assassinate myself,  I've already pretty much broken my toe and since then have repeatedly been taking swipes at my left-side, from walking into a post, banging my shoulder and arm on two shelves on two different days, walking into a pole, losing the ability to grab and dropping things in my left hand, I'm getting the feeling I'm trying to cleave myself in two.

That's all for now, I have a before picture of the stall but no after pic so I won't share it just yet!

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

*Space Filler*

This is just a super-quick update before I get my photos together and give you a proper update.

If you are a long-term reader, you may recall my plans to open a store. Well the store thing hasn't happened, I just felt the start-up cash and financial commitment were too high and decided to leave that on the side for a future date.

As of the 21st of October, I will have my very own retail unit (smaller and cheaper option) in our local market hall, and I've spent the last fortnight working my be-hind off to get ready for it. Tomorrow I move my stock in and start decorating!! I am so excited, I've already met lots of other unit holders and it's like one big supportive family.
I've even had promotional poster's done which go up tomorrow, I'm very excited (and tired) but I hope to get a bunch of pictures done of before-during and after I get set-up, so stay tuned!

Monday, 3 October 2011

I could teach those Witches a thing or two.

Sometimes, and I know some of you may find it shocking.....stop laughing.... I can be a right cow.
Here is my confession, because I feel terrible.

D and I are in 'yo-we-sell-all-that-stuff-you-need' shop and D has commented on purchasing a DVD. I am browsing said DVD stack and find a nice Jane Austen-y tale about her life or not getting married or something, and it seems like a nice fictional bio and we were going to buy it, until we realised it was slightly out of our budget (since I'd just made D already buy me 'The Witches' on DVD - he has never seen it, seriously, never.)
So I'm pulling my puppy dog eyes at him and explaining just how necessary it is to my existence that we buy this DVD, (he wasn't falling for it, apparently I can only pull that off once a day and as I already have the Witches sat in my shopping bag...)
I finally decided just to read the back so I could see if I really did want it and maybe get it off Ebay or something...when the till right next to me opened up. D instantly decided we had to use it and started shoving me towards the checkout while berating me for being slow.
Well I (not surprisingly) don't take well to being corralled by ANYONE let alone my ruddy husband (sorry D) who has decided we are suddenly on some - get out of the shop in the next 60 seconds or we'll die - mad dash.
About twenty seconds later fed up of D's whinging, feeling very annoyed and having finished reading the cover, I start to put the DVD back.....

This dear old lady appears next to me and asks "Are you in the Queue?" to which I reply "Yes, apparently."
She gave me a slightly confused/mildly offended/slightly injured look and joined another queue.

Now I said "Yes, apparently" more to D than her, I'd meant yes apparently I am in the queue even if I didn't know I was until HE started shoving me.... but how I think it came across was me saying she was stupid for not realising that I was obviously in the queue. That is completely NOT what I meant.

I didn't realise this for a few moments and when I realised just how rude I had potentially been, no matter how unintentional I was horrified - and even more annoyed at D - and myself. This poor lady had asked an innocent question and any other time I would have simply explained and invited her to go first but I had accidentally treated her abysmally.

Once we paid I was so mortified I desperately wanted to go over and apologise but she was at the back of a queue and D was rushing me out, and I felt embarrassed and ashamed and annoyed that I'd allowed a petty issue with me and D spill over onto someone else.

On our journey home, in silence while I mentally beat myself for being so horrible, D apologised (sort-of he's not very good at it so we'll accept the effort) for rushing me, explaining he thought we were ready and then he felt we should hurry as a till opened up blah-blah.
But I feel terrible about it, I try to be kind and considerate of everyone and today I just didn't think. There is not a lot I can do about it now other than hope the lady understood it wasn't personal.
So that's my weekend low, now I'm off to watch the Witches and perhaps I'll teach them a thing or two.

Monday, 26 September 2011

Hell's Kitchen

You may recall my battle with making the perfect brownies - well I have given up on trying to make them from scratch and started buying the "just add water and egg" mixes. Mainly because they have now found a way to not make me have to wash up after baking which is just freaking awesome. (In other words the brownie kits now come with an origami degree required to assemble the reflective card baking tray) so I am standing by the whole "if you heat it up at home it's home-made" rule.
I recently did some Cadbury Brownie's and of course, only half of the chocolate chips made it into the mix and the other half made it into my mouth.
 The brownies went well except I had to give them 10-15 minutes longer than it said as they were still runny in the middle. Whoever guessed my brownie cooking issues were caused by my oven temperature being wrong may just be right!

So I was dancing around the kitchen celebrating my awesomeness and sneaking the odd cooling brownie from the tray before D came home when I decided I would wash up a couple of items while I waited for him so we could eat brownies. (I know this seems counter-productive given my whole 'woohoo I don't HAVE to wash up deal' but it's different when it's a choice and not an expectation.)

Apparently my kitchen doesn't think I'm so awesome, as partway through running some water, a carving knife slid off the counter and landed on the floor. Right where my foot would have been had I not just performed a gymnastic twist and stretch to get my feet clear.
Okay, I hear you... that happens to everyone.
I then carried a milk pan in my LEFT hand over the the sink - as I got there the huge GLASS lid of our frying pan slid from a different worktop on my LEFT. If I'd have had this ruddy milk pan in my other hand I could have saved it - but as it is this huge glass lid fell, hit my ankles and then smashed into a gazillion pieces onto the floor.
Enter D.
I think I must have the "oh shit I can't move" face plastered on as he takes a concerned look at me and says - "can you move? are you okay?"
My ankle is hurting a hell'uve a lot and I wimper "It hit my ankle and it hurts and I don't know if there is glass in it..."
D took one look at my sock covered feet, surrounded by glass - he stepped toward me - told me to hold on - and lifted me up off the floor and carried me over to the other side of the kitchen.
Now I'm not a big girly girl, and I do like to save myself a lot, but after a lifetime of doing so this small act caused my heart to roll-over in my chest and my thoughts got positively liquid.
Once I'd recovered I got over the whole 'oh god I bet he thinks I'm really heavy' thought as I gingerly pulled my socks off to find - yes they were covered in glass bits but no my feet were fine.
D swept up all the glass - totally awesome - and then knowing me so well even though he'd cleared all the glass up and re-swept several times (with me shouting such helpful advice as; 'you've swept it under the table again' 'you missed a bit' 'the bags ripped so you'll have to start over') he walked over to me, took his shoes off, and laid them at my feet so I could wear them out of the room as he walked barefoot.
I know it sounds corny, but that small act of kindness of lifting me out of the glass and giving me his shoes - makes him my hero.

I can't help but imagine if the shoe was on the other foot (no pun intended) and I'd have walked in to him smashing the glass lid the situation would have involved me stood there arms crossed while he cleaned it up and I kept saying "How are we gonna cook sausages now then, eh? eh? how?
Yeah he wins the 'better person' award....for now anyway.

Wednesday, 21 September 2011

Photoshop your memories

I LOVE this video, I view it at least once a week so I figured I'd share it with you all - these guys are so clever!

Tuesday, 20 September 2011

Driving update

I'll be taking my test soon...eep...I don't feel ready. I know in some countries a test involves simply driving around a car park avoiding cones an eye test and voila - tested. Here it involves following directions for 40 minutes, showing and telling them about parts of the engine, two manoeuvres (like reversing round a corner) and then another 20 minutes of being told a destination and then working out the route all by yourself.

I'm just getting over my clutch issue and I haven't learnt any manoeuvres ...yet. Yet my test date will be any time from the 10th of October to the 25th of October. Scary Biscuits.

I haven't done anything life threatening - other than trying to cut a lorry off on the roundabout once, and the odd fluttery moment. But all in all I like driving - not so much in heavily built up areas like the town centre, but I do enjoy heading to the country and I like the speed of A roads too (but shhhhh)

Hopefully I'll be good enough to pass my test soon since I really need to learn to drive, and the cash i had set aside for driving is half gone - eeep.

My next lesson is in 15 minutes so I'll dash off now! Hopefully I'll not stall much today and drive safely!

Friday, 16 September 2011


Hi everyone.
Sorry I have been slacking lately but my 'day-job' and learning to drive and the hospital stuff that I just got done with (looks like I'm okay I just need drugs and then I should be fine) is really knackering me out. Please don't lose faith - I will be back! 
Plus Amber mentioned sending me some chocolate and pissing off my I'm holding out for some results on that!
You will also be horrified to learn that in all of my busyness (Seriously I'm up at 9am and in bed at 2am since I have such a lot of work to do right now) I have also been overwhelmed with the need to COMPLETELY GUT THE HOUSE and I can't stop myself. 'The room' is about to become toast, my dining room is being completely emptied  and re-painted, the kitchen is being gutted and well.....I think I've gone crazy.
I keep trying to rein myself in and it's really not working. Everything in the house has to go. Everything. Except the stuff that costs too much to the tv....but all the ornaments except the couple I adore need to go, and excess kitchen stuff, and excess everything else.

So I've been replaced with a cleaning alien but I don't have enough time to clean and work so it's a frustrated cleaning alien.
I hope in a couple of weeks i'll have less driving lessons and a week to do my work without appointments meetings fairs etc. creeping into my schedule.

I hope you are all well, I'm keeping reading your blogs as and when i can grab ten minutes!

EDIT: and let me add, I'm so completely over the moon if-I-was-any-happier-my-heart-would-burst happy. I'm so just, calm and joyful, which after years of worrying about my test results is such a relief. I'm just taking the time to enjoy how I feel - while working lots lol

Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Shrimp Girl kicks the ass of any room, every time.

I had a mad tidy up today to make my workspace look like I've never done a moment's work in it before. My desk turned into a display, my bookshelves had all the books pointing upwards and all facing in the same direction, it was a freaking miracle!
My office was so.....tidy.
Never has it been that way before, and I'm sure it never will be again so it's pretty good that I'll obtain some photographic evidence that it once was. Maybe I can thrust it into the faces of everyone who comes to visit as I chant the words "See, bits of my house were tidy once."

The photographer was really nice, I seemed far more coherent today so it's a shame he wasn't writing my story and only taking my photo.
The first photo I had done was the hilarious "stood by a bookshelf while balancing my laptop in one hand, pretending to type with the other hand while smiling at the camera...." yeah...totally natural....
He did mention that I need to keep my eyes open since I was "starting to look slightly Asian" to which I replied "I know what you mean, I've seen that in some of our holiday photos, but I refer to it as my 'ORC face' so at least you're being flattering about it."

ORC FACE - Where you are caught eyes scrunched up, mid blink, and like you just crawled out of a swamp., or possibly recently auditioned as Gollum...

The final photo was my favourite, it had me leaning back against the bookcases in the corner of the room with my arms folded and legs crossed really relaxed looking and me beaming at the camera.... Well that's how it looked in the tiny window of his digital camera.. not sure what the life-size version will look like.
When D came home from work he was desperate to see the photos - which of course I don't have I led him upstairs into the office, stood him back...and then adopted the same pose as before and smiled. I figure it can't be too far off the original.

The article should be out next Thursday - eep and my PRECIOUS photo will be in it... hopefully I don't come off as el crazy weirdo and more confident business woman... but I have a feeling the crazy in me is going to win that one...

Buy my books DAMMIT!

Tuesday, 30 August 2011

They don't teach you everything at school...

I clearly need to take a class in how to use office equipment since earlier today I managed to staple my finger to a cardboard box - ouching hellsfire!
My thought process went a little something like this...

" I wonder if my finger is a little too close to the.....MOTHER OF ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH "

Ugh....probably not a good idea to now use scissors to cut my sandwich, or a pen to eat my salad... I might choke or inhale a blade or small paper clip or something...

In chateau de Holly things have gone from busy to down right crazy. I already had tonnes to do before getting a stall at two fairs this weekend...when heck I know, I seem to not be juggling with BOTH feet so I'll have a newspaper interview - which occurring post staple incident probably didn't go too well - I think I couldn't stop rambling - and then the reporter decided they want a photo of me with some books (I mean how sad is that, I'm going to look like a crazy lady clutching my books to my chest talking about how vital books are..)
And better yet, they're going to take the photos my HOUSE....tomorrow.
So now it's 10pm and I still need to clean ALL the things, turn the office into a streamlined workspace and not just a messy dumping ground, and get all my work done, which I'm already half a day behind on.....simples?

I also was woken at 8am by the delivery guy a DAY EARLY blocking my ENTIRE STREET with his lorry full of my craft kits and assorted goodies. I had to crawl out and sign stuff in my dressing gown while wiping sleep from my eyes as the neighbourhood got hacked off at his lorry - so I looked damn sexy and not at all like Griselda the Witch. Then I showed off my lack of morning super powers as he passed me a giant box - which he made out to be feather light... and which I then had to drag/push into the house since it was so heavy - all while wearing my sexy sleepwear...

This has been an AWESOME day...../sarcasm

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

Things that annoy me rant #789 (now with more aliens)

There are a few things I see in my travels around my world (tv/town/internet) that drive me freaking crazy.

a) The new movie trailer from Apollo 18.

(Our broadcast trailer doesn't even have this much info)

It comes out with such stupid lines as "Find out why we never went back..." or "Discover the real reason we never went back..."
COME ON NOW, there were 17 PREVIOUS missions to the moon which were fine (ish) but that 18th one, that one was the charm waking up some great big evil creepy thing. Seriously...I'm supposed to believe this. I think we didn't go back because the moon was done now and we moved onto Mars. Dumbass filmaking morons.

b) When people list something on-line as "priced to sell"

Well Duh, you didn't price it NOT to sell now did you?! Writing such stupid statements as the one above is what forces me to send you a private message offering a penny for all your stuff. You're desperate...I have the cash...I value it at just above FREE.

c) That stupid Detoll hand-pump advert

I think when I first watched this advert I thought "cool it senses you" for about four seconds before my brain went HUH?! Now I get that this would have been a great advert if they'd just tried to flog the pump as a gimmicky gadget. But here is where it goes wrong.... I'm about to use the soap to wash my hands so what does it matter if when I push the lever down germs get on my hands?
Was I REALLY the only person who realised that? According to my nearest and dearest - yes.

d) How the TV adverts have conned us for years into thinking that Limescale = evil germs.

This point on the bashing list was brought to my attention by D. The gist of the advert was playing on the idea that limescale in the toilet was a bug, a germ (when it isn’t). The graphic depicted an evil monster with a face and everything, which is certainly the opposite of a calcified build up of minerals.

CAPTION READS:  Use on pre-cleaned surface. The formula leaves a flush activated protective shield  all around the bowl, that repels limescale. (SEE IT'S EVIDENCE OF THEIR STUPIDITY)
Then, the voice over suggested that this limescale provided a bumpy surface on which germs will somehow be more harmful than on the smooth porcelain surface of the loo…. Which is also total rubbish, except from the perspective that a bumpy, undulating limescale patch will have a larger surface area than the smooth loo. Not that that's what the advert was talking about. No it claims that limescale is a big scary germ infecting your loo and making it dangerous.

**I broke the text here somehow and I don't know how I did it!**

e) How the Kindle and Ipad conned us and NO ONE NOTICED!!!

Again I seem to be the only person ON THE FREAKING PLANET who has realised what they have done. Please note I am not bashing the Evil Kindle or the Ipad here, but simply the marketing geniuses.
Let me explain what their original meeting was all about....
"We need to show that this is a really special item... I know books are big so let's show them how this massive book of 1000 pages fits on this tiny lightweight machine - it's genius."
And looked really impressive I mean that whole book all on this tiny device... until you realise you're not actually getting a book. Stay with me here.
There are no pages or binding or anything like that, what actually happens is they send you a text document, that's cool right...which you then read on this....document...reader... HANG ON. That's been happening for YEARS. It happens every time I turn my computer on (also just a giant document reader) or my phone, or hell any piece of software. It's not that special, so why the hell is it made out to be. Just because they are driving the whole "It's a book reader" thing it sounds impressive, but it really is just a glorified document reader.

** Please note: I may be currently suffering from PMT which may be why these things are driving me crazy....that and also because they are just plain stupid. Why don't we all just play some boggle and leave the grown-up decisions and writing of things to people who have more than half a brain. K?

Tuesday, 23 August 2011

Don't get too cocky now...

So I've been learning to drive, so far I have had three lessons for a total of 4.5 hours. And I thought it was going pretty well. My instructor thought I was doing well, I've mastered quiet roundabouts (rotaries?) with no extra traffic on them, turning, braking smoothly and I'm better at using my gears. Not to mention that I haven't killed anyone....yet. I've done a little reversing, hill start/stops and felt my general fear of "driving" had waned and I felt in control and capable of doing it, sure I might make mistakes but I'm learning and the majority of the time I'm fine.
Well yesterday it all went to pot.
I'd been driving happily at 30/40mph in my last lesson, and I guess my instructor just thought I was finding it all too easy...we started the day's lesson on a hill (please remember my actual driving time at this point is 1.5 hours) and he has me drive to a nearby village through the countryside at 60mph.
Firstly these roads have no markings so it feels like I was either driving too far out or trying to drive in a ditch...other traffic out here does what it wants NOT what it's supposed's so freaking fast I can't think straight...I got behind a line of traffic and had to practise driving behind people at 60mph and it was terrifying. Some roads look as if they go straight but actually curve sharply to the left.
I encountered my first ever traffic lights on this road and um...stalled...
I then drove us back to a quiet estate. I felt very, very flustered, scared and overwhelmed....which is probably what caused me to fluff everything I know how to do. At every SINGLE junction I then came to...I stalled. Stalling was not exclusive to junctions, nor was it limited to one stall per one point I had stalled six times in one turn. I then missed turns at roundabouts, and drove round one with my hand on my horn since I'd slipped and daren't straighten my hands to stop the horn in case I drove off the roundabout wrong.
So it went VERY badly. And I'm so scared and freaked out I'm not sure I want to learn to drive now... I am aware I might feel better next time we do it, maybe it just surprised me and freaked me out. Still I'm feeling pretty traumatized today, and sleeping on it hasn't improved my mood.

Monday, 22 August 2011

Monday, 15 August 2011

New Crap for Old

It never fails to amaze me what some people will buy on Ebay. I'm trying to sell some of my old stuff so I can go out and buy nice shiny new stuff. I totally get it when you sell DvD's, Games etc. on Ebay 'cause we've been buying those babies second-hand for years now. But buying a rubber ducky the length of my thumb.... for well into £20 ($40)...that's just crazy.

I know Ernie, I can't believe it either.

Clearly all this news about gold being the one of the most precious metals has been a decoy from these little yellow babies. Cha-chinga. Guess what I'm filling my bank balance and bath with.

Hang on to that, it's going to put you through college

Friday, 12 August 2011

All partied out

I had a terrific day, full of swashbuckling, crabs, whale watching and wet feet. I'd talk more about it but in 45 minutes I am going for my FIRST EVER driving lesson....eeep! And I really need to go get dressed. In the meantime, since I may well crash into something and die, thanks for all my birthday messages :) and I'll leave you with a picture of me the candles.
4! Yeah, I was 4 I remember now...

Thursday, 11 August 2011

You're never too old to....

Today is my birthday - woot - and for the first time ever it's raining in August - I mean -WTH? So we're off to the seaside to go crabbing, eat some seafood and go on a boat ride as planned....but apparently all in the falling rain - woot?

So last night I baked myself a cake ('cause seriously, who else is gonna?) But since I'm a little "troubled" when it comes to baking I had a little bit of help from Barbie and Dr.Oetker, cause we're friends ya'll.
Because it's MY cake, what I say goes which is why I made it the way I did, full of sugar and all the things momma used to hide on the top-shelf of the baking sprinkles.....mmmmn...sprinkles.

Can you tell what is it yet?
So I figured I can't go too wrong with the pre-weighed help of two professionals....

I sure hope that batter rises and fills the tin up
Uh-oh doesn't look too hopeful..

Mmmmmmn brownies
Can you believe that I freaking MADE these, they look so yummy!!
Staging area for adding weird icing to the top of my cupcakes
Yes it looks like doggy doo-doo but it really isn't, I tried dying it blue but there isn't enough dye in the work to turn that yellow icing blue. Throw on everything sugar coated in the cupboard and ta-da.......

My Princess (brownie and cupcake) castle cake!! WOOOHOOOO!
See-ya all after my sugar coma!

Wednesday, 10 August 2011

Erin Brockovich through time....

We've been watching some Julia Roberts DvD's recently and have come to the realisation that Julia Roberts seems to pretty much play ONE character in every movie...let me elaborate..

Erin Brockovich explains where she got all her children from (Pretty Woman)
Erin Brockovich gets a rubbish temp PR job (America's Sweethearts)
Erin Brockovich takes up photography as a hobby (Closer)
Erin Brockovich decides to use her past to cosy up to Hugh grant...much like Liz Hurley did... (Notting Hill)
Erin Brockovich does the whole madonna thing and gets some new kids (stepmom)
Erin Brockovich goes on Holiday (Eat Pray Love)
Erin Brockovich get sick (Steel Magnolias)
Erin Brockovich gets old and dies (Fireflies in the Garden) **terrible movie don't bother watching it**

Yup, pretty sure that other than the actual Erin Brockovich movie, she keeps up the same role, with different issues to overcome.

Tuesday, 9 August 2011

Why I'm going to hell in a fast car...

Here is an account from the theme park as to why I'm off to hell...and surprise, surprise involves my "parenting" abilities...or lack of.
Devil has been on the runaway Croc for at least twenty circuits and decided he, Karma, D and I should go on the runaway train. So D and Karma head to the back of the ride and Devil and I head to the front of the runaway train...

Now the runaway train is quite mild, it has one big (ish) drop, is very fast with lots of tight turns and is a family ride, but a family ride for the older, braver kids and lasts maybe 30 seconds a circuit including the climb.

We go past the first drop and Devil and I scream together and all is fine and dandy...the ride pulls back into the station and Devil turns to me

"I didn't really like it"

I pause for dramatic effect before saying to him... "I'm so sorry goes round twice"

At which point Devil screeches "But I'm not ready yet!!!!!" before clinging into me. I turn my head to D several rows back who asks me how it went and I give him the 'thumbs down' then turn back and put my arms round Devil and say encouraging things to him as well as trying to shelter him from the worst bumps and g-force......while he screams and I try not to laugh out loud.

When we got off though he was totally fine after a matter of seconds announcing he liked it but doesn't want to go on again...
We had an awesome day, I have pictures but they're on D's phone so I guess I'll get them around Christmas...

Saturday, 6 August 2011

Pretty Little Liars

I'm so mad at my cable company right now. I was bored flicking through the TV when I found the 'Pretty Little Liars' season one box-set for free viewing. I remembered seeing the advert of some girl getting words like whore carved into her forehead and figured it looked interesting so I started watching.
Now the show is clearly trying too hard to be "mysterious" and by trying too hard at times it's totally laughable, but all the same I'm, hooked I just want to know who A is and what happened all those nights ago.
So I get to the "end" of season 1 (which is episode 12).... and there was no "cliff-hanger" or reveal. So I started googling Season 2.
This is when I found out that season one actually has 24 episodes, and that my cable company has only put half the series on as "entire series 1." I'm so mad, we don't get the channel for PLL over here so the free box-set was my only chance to see it. Now I'm going to have to buy the actual box set just to see what happens - since I don't want to "read" about it.
Stupid cable company...the last time they did this I only got to watch half of series two of pushing up daisies to discover they'd only put half of the box-set on!! Lazy, stupid, *beeeeping beepers!*
And of course, now I have the theme song stuck on autoloop in my head which is driving D nuts since I keep singing the odd words I can fit to the tune...probably in the wrong order!

Monday, 1 August 2011

True Story

Guess what happened to me on Saturday....

Only with more jumping and screaming....

So clearly I'm traumatized or at least that was what the last slice of cheesecake I ate told me....wha? TRAUMATIZED. What I thought only happened in movies (and at the start of 'Eastwick') actually happened to me, and to D who was sat next to me....but who cares about that. He's a boy and I'm a squeamish shrieking girl. 
I was hopping and jumping while bashing ants off my legs and then proceeded to pretty much strip naked in the middle of the theme park......D stopped me from ripping my trousers off and then chased me down and dragged me away from the peddle-boat lake I attempted jumping into.

All bets are off now, I officially now HATE ants. And I have my suspicions that Captain Black has sent his evil army to get me...

Friday, 29 July 2011

Theme Park WOOOAAAHH!!

We're off to a theme park tomorrow! I'm so excited because we're taking my lil' brother in laws who have NEVER been to a theme park or a fair before...EVER. So we're keeping it as a big surprise and can't wait to see their faces when they see this whole park full of stuff where they get to go on everything.
I'm slightly worried since they've never been on any rides they'll be lightweights but there are plenty of shows which we can see too.
We've specially picked a kids/family park so we should be able to go on almost everything either together or the boys themselves. -chickens or not-
The only problem is that I'm going to have to be the brave one now who holds hands and has courage....when I'm usually the one screaming my head off on a pirate ship....
You may be thinking ... "Holly it's a kid's park there is nothing scary."
Well let me take you back to Disneyland 2003.
*tinkly flash-back music*
We'd gone to Disneyland for a course I was doing at college where we spend mornings and evenings learning how Disneyland works as a "for profit" organization and then the day time playing in the park - BEST. CLASS. EVER.
My friend Bee and I had free rein so we'd decided to hit the "fairytale" park area. We got on the Snow White ride (and were the only people who did) crammed ourselves into the kiddie seating and set off. We began making fun of the ride and pretending to be scared letting out little shrieks at the evil queen etc. Then the ride picked up speed and we began to scream....interjected with laughter while clinging to each other....and after a short while screaming wasn't a "game" any more, we were genuinely being spooked. When we exited the ride, there were twelve park staff stood waiting for us.
I don't know what they thought had we went on the ride again to avoid the looks of "what the HELL is wrong with you" and of course....screamed even louder this time.
Not to mention when Pluto ACCOSTED me and wouldn't let me go until I kissed him (and all I could think was ewwwwwwww kid germs on his face) and don't forget that Mickey Mouse tried to RUN ME OVER in his little car.
Yeah....I'm sure there is nothing to worry about since I got that "Disney Characters Restraining Order" which kinda keeps me out of Disneyland.

Thursday, 28 July 2011

Theory Test Time

I vanished for the last 24 hours because I'd suddenly realised that I had my driving theory booked for TODAY and I hadn't revised at.all.
In the last 24 hours I have read 946 pages of the theory test book - joy - practised my hazard perceptions test.......and then panicked because it turns out I'm not very perceptive of hazards. But all in all.....

WOOHOOO! I got 50/50 on my theory (hehe) and then mainly 5 and 4 points per hazard (5 is max) but i did mess up and score 2x 3points and 1x 2points so I really am pretty weak on them.
The stupid thing is that some hazards were ridiculous. People were literally throwing themselves into on-coming traffic and giant lorries were trying to u-turn in front of me when I was on a dual carriageway etc. It was all slightly farcical. I also found I was leaning back in my chair trying to not get hit by the stupid people. But now I am ONE STEP CLOSER to completing my dream of passing my driving test. My lessons start in a week and are of the intensive kind, so I can be taking my test before mid-September!!

Finally I'd like to thank all the "actors" who threw themselves in front of on-coming traffic just so I could take and pass my test. 
And if anyone else in the UK is taking theirs soon the 'Driving Test Success' CD ROM set was a GODSEND!

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

Introducing my Arch Nemesis

A few weeks ago I launched an application to become my Arch Nemesis. If you didn't get change to read that post you can do so here. There was one applicant that was too brilliantly planned out not to accept.
Now I can now proudly, horrifyingly, angrily, evilly present my Arch Nemesis.

Who I imagine looks a little something like Captain Black from from Captain Scarlet and the Mysterones

Captain Black is also potentially half Zombie - given the photographic evidence......oh yes....and possibly also a puppet.
He/She also has "qualifications in Fencing and Martial Arts so I am apt in combat. I am also English so I have the accent to go with the "Evil Arch Nemesis" role.
And is, of course, totally evil.
Apparently he/she also holds the ability to alter my font mid-blog so my posts look bizarre. (and I have no idea how to fix it)

Captain Black's location (other than England) is unknown, please note the image above is a photograph of A Captain Black but possibly not THE Captain Black and may or may not represent Captain Black's true likeness.

Tune in again, SAME time, SAME blog, NEXT WEEK for any updates on Captain Black's evil doings.
Because you know he/she is out there......being evil.

Saturday, 23 July 2011

Fitting Room Madness

Yesterday I'd headed out of town to run some errands and decided to pop into a cheap-ish clothes store to try find some green cloth trousers to lounge around in. I picked up my size in trousers (12 in this country) and toddled off to the fitting room. When I got there (dragging my big noisy trolley) there was no attendant stood waiting, but one of the cubicles had the door shut...

Person in Cubicle, possibly attendant: HELLO?
Me : Hello
PINPA: Can you hear me?
PINPA ...... continues talking loudly.........on her mobile....

In which I realise I'm an idiot and get all embarrassed.
But our shouted conversation at least gets the attention of an ACTUAL attendant who grants me access to the magical shape-altering changing room.

I tried on the size 12 and it was like a pregnancy pant. I could fit both my hands in and pull it a good way away from my tummy. Then when I went to put MY jeans back on - they also wouldn't fit and kept slipping off.....which is odd as they fit just fine before the magical changing room. In the end I had to buy a size lower and probably could have gone down another size, but since I want them for lounging (lounging also involves eating junk food while sprawled like a fat pig Greek goddess) I figured the extra bit of give couldn't hurt.

My conclusion: just walking into the magical cubicle lost me 1/2 a stone. I'm SO going back next week :P

Thursday, 21 July 2011

Cookie Recipe or 'baking this makes so-so biscuits'

Today's blog is short and effortless (because I'm feeling lazy and I need to be out all day) I promise it will be long and better tomorrow (but I'm lying because I'm lazy and out of town tomorrow too) unless something awesome happens when I'm out today.
I was asked for the recipe for the cookies so here it is.
Maybe someone else want's to try it and spare my feelings and tell me it's terrible!

I found it by googling "easy cookie recipe."
And last night while I was in bed I considered that perhaps that was the I got up today and first thing I did was to Google "hardest cookie recipe."
If I'm gonna suck at something let's suck at a 'mans game.'

Hazzah, sugar cookie failure here I come!!!
(or at least in a bit when I'm not so lazy I mean.....busy...yeah...busy)

Wednesday, 20 July 2011

Need a chef, or at least a half decent kitchen assistant

Today I suddenly decided, mid accounting and mid listings that I really fancied some cookies. But we don't have any in. So in an attempt to kill two birds with one stone (get cookies and clean kitchen) I decided to start baking.
Now I'm sure you all recall my secret cookie war. For some unknown reason I can make roast joints, bake cakes, serve rare delicacies and they are scrumptious, but try my hand at cookies, biscuits and brownies and it's a TOTAL fail.

Today I was SO hopeful.
The recipe was so basic that a child could do it, supposedly.
And I was comforted by other people's comments like;
"Hi Rachel, 
thank you so much for the recipe. i always thought cookie baking was the most complicated thing in the whole world. you made it soo easy, no baking powder and no eggs is the kind of cooking that we dig and now possible all because of you."
So I was pretty certain I couldn't mess up.

I was wrong.

I tell you now I FOLLOWED the RECIPE. I did honestly I did, it was so basic not even I could screw it up. But when I reached my 13-15 minutes cooking time.....they still weren't done. In fact a whole 45 minutes later they still weren't looking done either, they were squidgy still, so not being a quitter I flipped them over like pancakes and put them back in.

It's been an hour and they still don't look too great. I haven't tried one yet, and D's not around as a test subject so I keep poking them on the cooling rack and giving them dubious looks.

If anyone has a fool-proof (and trust me it needs to be fool-proof) recipe I can try leave it below. I'll try out every recipe I get and post all the results and who-ever can finally get me making a successful batch don't know what, a trophy or something.

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Hell YEAH!

Wowza! I found this while strolling across the interweb!

Elephant Mahout Training
Four Seasons Tented Camp, Northern Thailand
You can do anything from half a day to three days depending just how much of an elephant fan you are, working side-by-side with local mahouts - expert trainers in the 2,000-year-old Thai tradition of elephant care. Guests interact directly with the rescued elephants, learning about the animals and their well-being from the mahouts, who also demonstrate the fundamentals of elephant driving. Which brings us to the best bit. Pachyderm trekking through the jungle. The camp also includes bathing and feeding the elephants and collecting them from their night-time feeding grounds. 

OMG SIgn me up, and show me how! This would completely tick off the FIRST item on my 100 by 100 list, methinks it's time to beat D into submission, or just plain ol' take my girlfriends and go, after all it's only three days so we could fly out, do it, and then fly home. Hell yeah, MINIBREAK, whose with me!

Monday, 18 July 2011

Where are the batteries for the darned camera!

It's B-day over here for three little kittehs, but I get the feeling we're going to need a do-over tomorrow since the camera is either broken or none of the three sets of batteries I put in it are charged.
Their gift has not arrived - speedy mail order my ass!
It's raining, it's pouring the kittehs are snoring.
And are acting mopey - maybe because they realise momma is throwing them a really crappy birthday, by shoving them away as she tries to do her accounts.

They were born somewhere between midday on the 18th and midday on the 19th. Since their biological momma had gone walkies overnight and returned with the kittehs on the 19th. So maybe a two day birthday can be excused.

We've bought them a Frolicat Dart and really hope it arrives tomorrow, I was so sure I'd upload some cute kitteh craziness photos and videos today but apparently --- not.
Hopefully tomorrow birthday act 2 will be more of a success.

In the meantime SIX cats have come to my door today, some I have never seen before, so I'm guessing they were expecting a party or something??
Oh, and I had three mice on the lawn...perhaps that attracted them?