First written just before her death in January 2014, found today, and posting to keep it safe for future me.
I travelled to Lincoln Hospital yesterday to visit my Grandma the matriarch of our family, who is on her deathbed. A very emotional day. If it wasn't for this woman, for the choices, both good and bad she made, for the life she has led, my father and his brothers would not be here, myself and my sibling, our children, and those still to be born. We would not be here without her.
How incredibly vital her life is, no matter how insignificant or small it may have seemed at times, how unbelievable epic and life changing it has been.
Three children, four grandchildren, twelve great grandchildren and two more on the way this year.
Technology is a marvellous thing though, my brother showed her pictures of his children on his phone, I showed her a video of my three laughing and giggling through breakfast while she stroked the screen and marvelled at just 'so many babies'.
She told me I had my hands full. I smiled and tried to not reel off my usual comments instead telling her, 'I do Grandma, in the most wonderful way.' For a long time she just kept repeating, 'I don't know how you manage', over and over to herself, and ' you're having another baby, I don't know how you do it'
The irony of someone on their deathbed thinking that I had the worse deal in life was not lost on me, in fact it really made me smile :D everything she said came from a place of love and wonderment. She is baffled by how we are doing what she feels would be beyond her.
She is suffering now, I have never been one for euthanasia, but ten minutes into her begging us to end it, to stab her, to let her die I would have, gladly.
My family have chosen to tell her she is getting better, it's a complicated decision and one the younger generation of our family don't agree with, she has possibly days, no more than weeks left. She has broken bones in her back, cancer in her spine, cancer in her lungs all diagnosed in the last week. It is highly unlikely she will live to see her newest great grandchild, I had been hoping she could hold on just long enough to meet the baby, but after seeing her suffering, well she is just waiting to die. And she has been waiting ten long years to go and join my grandad, it feels wrong to try to keep her here any longer.
I have many countless memories of the love and joy I felt in their house, of the chemistry set given to me one Christmas (along with directions for how to call the fire brigade and retreat to the bottom of the garden should black smoke appear) the dolls house they renovated for me, the sweets sneaked, the pebbles collected on the beach, the hours spent watching magic tricks and trying to foil them. The impromptu carol concerts and performances on their living room carpet, the conversations about gardening, the cuddles and the kisses.
I am going to miss her, the last link to my Grandad and the strongest, most admirable woman, from the outside seeming so fragile and reserved, but forged from steel.
