Tuesday, 24 July 2012

Conversations with my 18 year old self.

Well it's me, talking to you from the future (insert cool and spooky sound effects).

Are you ready?

That guy you're seeing - the fella you decided was "the one". You're right. It'll take everyone else a bit of time to see it but you know your own mind, you have good instincts - trust them. Things may not last forever, things are not going to be easy - you're going to go through some very, very terrible times - remember it is healthier to feel pity than anger and remarkably easier to get back up than stay on the ground.

You're going to get married. You'll never feel so calm and certain about anything in your life more than on your wedding day.

Your having babies.

Really - babies - that plural in there....it's three babies - triplets even.

I know how it sounds, I would never have believed it either. You're going to go through a time when you don't think children are ever going to happen, you're going to wish you could just know everything will work out so you can stop worrying, crying and praying for a miracle.
You'll get your miracle, just when you think you can't go any further than you have or take any more pain than you have, the most amazing and unexpected thing will happen all by itself.

You'll learn the pain you went through was important - it's not going to be easy but your frame of mind is strong enough to carry you through.

You'll realise your parents do understand you, they might not always agree with your decisions but they value that you made them for yourself.

Your going to be braver and stronger than you'd ever believe possible.

Your going to feel as if you're being tested repeatedly - don't take it too personally. Everything thrown at you can be handled. You may feel like each stumbling block is insurmountable, but once you pass it, you can look back down the mountain, and the big blocks will look tiny and you'll wonder why they ever bothered you so much.

Don't sweat the small stuff - everything always turns out okay. Even those days when it feels like the world is ending - tomorrow I promise it will be better.

Trust your body - it's a remarkable healer (you'll see what I mean one week in July) and can achieve the unexpected. Be happy with it, marvel at what it can do rather than focussing on what it can't.

Have fun, don't forget the bad things - they provide perspective for the good things - but don't obsess about them either.

Don't change too much. Don't beat yourself up when you haven't done the best you could - you, like everyone else, are learning as they go along. Have fun - you're good at doing that, stay compassionate, be kind and try to listen more.

Your house will be filled with joy and laughter more often than it's filled with tears.

Thursday, 19 July 2012

Hospital stay part 1

Well we've already been in and out of hospital while the doctors thought my waters went on Monday. We still don't know what has happened but I can tell you I'm a paranoid mess now.
My local hospital won't take my babies until I reach 30 weeks so at 26+2 when admitted there was lots of scary talk about being sent somewhere random in the UK, and low chances of baby survival.
I'm now home, feet up, not daring to do anything and feeling paranoid that every twitch is the start of premature labour.
I'm sure in a few days and with a bit more normality the fear that babies are arriving too soon for them to be healthy will be firmly in the back of my mind.

I had a scan and everyone still has lots of fluid so we're hoping this has all been a big load of worry over nothing, but there is still the risk that labour could happen tomorrow, or hopefully might hold off for weeks and weeks yet to come.

For sure, every day now is a blessing and one more than we had on Monday.

Very anxious in our house, D is being great and chipper and I was being brave and strong when in hospital, but now I'm home I feel vulnerable and tearful that we could have come so close to the finish line and the babies not made it.

Many tissues and chocolates are being consumed  in our house this week.

Monday, 16 July 2012

26 week triplet scan update

Had our 25/26 week scan and BOY do they treat me differently there now. Almost like a film star LOL 
Everyone wants a look at the "triplet lady" and to sit in on my appointments so my dear consultant now also treats me very well, everyone is really friendly, cheerful and pleasant and my consultant is nothing but positive - about ruddy time!!

We are doing better than he thought, I have two big babies almost singleton size and one smaller baby. He expected two small babies and one more dominant. We talked about the small baby (boy#2) and he's not overly concerned since he's a triplet and size variations do occur but we're going to keep an eye on him since it's possible his small head could be a sign of something - or it just as easily be absolutely nothing. I'm not really worried, just glad to be mentally prepared just-in-case.
I was a bit worried when the first measurement said boy#2 hadn't grown in a fortnight but re-measuring showed definite growth but he's considerably smaller than his siblings, or just has a small head.

They are supposed to be having me back in two weeks for another scan but there was no space in the appointment book so the receptionist was trying to fob us off (I wasn't going home without that appointment) out comes our consultant guns blazing, gets me booked in and will scan me himself if no one is available! BIG IMPROVEMENT on my level of care!! 

Wednesday, 11 July 2012

Isn't it Ironic...

So for the past ten years, maybe even twenty, I have worried my bottom lip over whether my waistline is too "comfortable". I always worried in an offhand way, "today I look chubby, maybe I should do more sports, eat less candy." I didn't crash diet or do much in the summer other than start going to do more sports, (it was summer sports are fun in the sun) or spend more hours in the local pool. Then winter rolls round and I happily stuff my face with whatever I can get my hands on and at some point stare at my waist and wonder...."Do I look big in this?"

How ironic that now I'm pregnant with triplets I actually spend far more time worrying, "am I eating enough....should I eat more fruit....am I getting big enough" I see pictures of my bump buddy - also having triplets and  7-14 days ahead of me, who looks far larger than I am. So then I worry my bottom lip again and get concerned that I'm not doing as well as I could be.

Week 14

The serious irony is looking at the above picture I marvel at just how tiny my waistline really was, particularly compared to now.
That said, size is subjective. After all, other than the odd glimpse of myself in a shop window or reflective surface all I see is my bump from the top looking downwards.
How ironic that people's comments of "gosh you look ready to drop" being replaced by comments of "you look so tidy, you'd never believe there were three in there" could cause such neurosis.

Week 24
It doesn't help that when I conceived it was just as I was recovering from my very, very poorly christmas time and that I was underweight at my first midwife appointment.
I guess as long as the weight gain continues (I was 9 stone1 at 8 weeks, then 11stone7 at 22+5 weeks) I shouldn't worry. But it's hard not to.

I know only I can bake these babies, (what tremendous pressure!!) and I hope we can get to 35+ weeks, but have no control over when my body has enough and it's not like I can physically force-feed the babies to fatten them up in case of an early arrival.

Obviously, I am growing and my bump (and hopefully babies) are growing well too. I am just experiencing nerves and paranoia that this may all be over before I or they are ready and I want to cook them for as long as I can. I want them to be able to, like any baby coast through their first few weeks, not fight for their lives.

Neurosis aside, the worst factor is not knowing WHEN the end will be. I can dream of reaching the gold topped pyramid of 37 weeks but very few triplets pregnancies progress past 33 weeks, for now the most I can do is hope, pray and continue my life as a sofa dweller.

On a very happy note now past the 25 week mark;
"If my babies were born today, they would probably survive the ICU, as their tiny lungs CAN breathe. This week they SHOULD (if they're good) start scootching out of breech and rotating into a head-down position for their grand entrance into the world."

Monday, 9 July 2012

Clock Conspiracy

I apologise to those of you who came across this post while it was mis-titled "cock conspiracy" - I bet your very disappointed.

I awoke around 10am if you believe the bedroom clock or 6am if you believe the kitchen clock, because I was sure I could hear voices. Having recently purchased a 42 inch tele' to replace the one that "broke" and having had twinkletoes ring me yesterday to say she was nearly burgled I've been a tad paranoid that someone is going to "nick" it. Particularly since realising (as twinkletoes was talking about her close call) that I had left all the windows downstairs wide open all night.

So I wake up, suffering terrible leg and hand cramps - oh the joys of pregnancy - so am unable to leap up (who am I kidding I haven't been able to leap or move in an agile manner for at least five months) and instead kick D awake while whispering "the clock says it's 10:30....are we being burgled? It doesn't sound like 10:30" (it didn't the road outside was silent and birds were chirping).

Poor D having been nearly crushed by preggers here seemed to think I thought someone was stealing the time or the clock - he grinned inanely at me, and rolled over and back to sleep.

I decided I would have to go investigate, and possibly get shot by the burglars because now I desperately needed the loo and felt violently sick (someone forgot to take her medicine last night)

Bathroom business completed I edged downstairs, peering out of windows and wondering if some kind of Zombie or flood related holocaust had emptied the world of people. The sky was slightly grey but the weather is foul so what can be expected. I reach the kitchen, swing my medicine and note the clock in here says it's 6am - darnit! Now feel doubly nauseous from realising I've been asleep only four hours...

I turn on the tele' - yes it's still here and the news kindly informs me it's actually...dum dum dum.....it's not even quite 5AM!!! WTH! Am so "surprised" nausea turns into full fledged exorcist moment, (saldy d is still fast asleep and could not be relied on for hair-holding, back rubbing, hand holding or any sympathetic murmuring. The news informs me we can expect even more "rain" today. tomorrow and for the rest of eternity.
At this rate we are going to need an arc, and I clearly need a new household timezone....or clock batteries.

Wednesday, 4 July 2012

Eat, Sleep, Love

I hope everyone on the interweb is doing well! I haven't been around much, in a somewhat vain effort to avoid posting nothing but baby related updates! All I seem to do now is dash to the loo, throw up, sleep or go for check-ups. Highly thrilling I know.
Time is accelerating away from me, I can't believe it's been 5 MONTHS that I've been lugging my bump around (it feels like 5 minutes) and I'm getting more and more nervous at the fact the babies are coming any time between now and 12 weeks *gulp* That seems so soon!
We spent so long preparing for the "worst" that now we might actually get the best I'm not entirely sure how to process it all! I don't think any of it will actually sink in until the babies are all lying in a cot in front of me, all breathing by themselves, and the hospital tells us we can go home.
Then I may have an ever so slight emotional break-down that the worry that they won't make it is over.
(I have pre-warned D that if everything is actually fine I'm more likely to lose it than if the babies need help)

D and I are getting ridiculously excited now, we've finally settled on names and think (other than a triple pram) we now have pretty much everything we need. Many thanks to the family, friends and strangers who have sent furniture, clothes, play things and more!

It's our 4th wedding anniversary today so we're off out for Thai food - something which will no doubt give me heartburn, but hey, what doesn't give me heartburn now ;)

I promise to post more, you'll be hearing from me weekly now the first danger zone has passed (babies now have a 40% chance of survival if I have them now) much better than the "you statistically might not get to 24 weeks" that the consultant said to us 12 weeks ago. I was admittedly a little afraid to post too much about them, or too neurotically about my fears in case the worst did happen - and then I wouldn't know how to move forward.
So far though, so good. Lot's of prayers and crossed fingers going around our house now.