Wednesday, 24 November 2010

Money Machine

I recently brought a new washer which I am now beginning to think was an absolute bargain as it is actually producing money...
At first I thought it was simply loose change from trouser pockets but it's been too regular...

Day 1 I empty the washer to find a shiny ten pence piece inside.

Day 2 I empty the washer again to find.....a shiny ten pence piece inside.

Day 3 I empty the washer and find a shiny ten pence piece sat in the door line.

(spooky) It's definitely not the same 10p since I now how a row of them sat above the machine,

and better yet now my dryer has even started producing money too....found 5p in it today, just need to get it add another couple of zeroes and I'm home free!

Sunday, 21 November 2010

It's all an illusion

ME: What the....there's a bunny rabbit outside
D: What? (goes to look)
ME: No's a plastic bag

Friday, 19 November 2010

Brownie Points

I made Brownies today and two minutes after I put them in the oven I took them back out, poured them into a bowl and then added the egg....

I'm such an awesome cook....

Thursday, 18 November 2010

If you go down to the checkout'll meet a murderer

I managed to convince my friend Tinkerberry to purchase a fancy new party dress that she loved. So we are at the checkout of another shop and I tell her I will have to have an anniversary party so she can actually find an excuse wear it. She turns to me and says "You know I am so proud of you for not having left D or got divorced or anything yet, I am so proud of you" (please note not because I'm anti-man but because everyone we know seems to break up faster than they got married) So I joked "well yes there are still some nights I could quite merrily stab him while he sleeps but I've managed to control myself"
Checkout Lady: Trust me I know how you feel, I've done it twice
Me: *looking confused* Divorced?
Checkout Lady: No, I've stabbed him twice.
Checkout Lady: Honestly
Me: Oh......
*cue crazed nervous giggling as we collected our goods and made a hasty retreat*

Never going back to see crazy checkout lady again.....don't worry if you end up in a store with her you'll know who to's the lady with CRAZY stamped on her forehead.

How to avoid a Jehovah's Witness (Pt 2)

From sheer paranoia that if I try to hide when they knock they will still see me I have made had D hang curtains in my living room. This does have the plus point that if it wasn't for JW's my curtains would still be sitting in carrier bags at the bottom of my wardrobe waiting for D to fit them and the curtain pole, possibly for yet another three months.
1 point to JW's

How to avoid a Jehovah's Witness (Pt 1)

A week ago I had a knock at the door and it was the Jehovahs witnesses. Now I think I'm quite a nice person and I hate people who just slam doors in their faces so I listened to what they had to say, accepted their magazine and remained courteous. They were really pleasant and I didn't mind speaking to them but the whole time I was thinking "please leave, please leave, omg my neighbours can see me stood here why don't they help me!!"
I think this panic was instilled by my mother who always got vexed when they would come by.
Long story short, I gave them my first name - well it didn't seem an unreasonable request - and then my phone rang inside, I apologized and said I had to go and somewhere in my trying to leave and grab the phone I made some committal noise to them coming back again....since then I have been EXTREMELY paranoid that every knock on the door is them. I don't want to offend or upset them but I don't want to join their cult religion either.

I sold my soul...and for what?

Well if you've read the previous post you'll know we were planning on getting a Kinect.
Well the stupid store has sold out, we have saved and sold most of our worldly possessions to buy a new xbox (ours in its old age is having trouble reading discs) kinect and 4 games. Now I sold my crap for nothing. I've opted to "be emailed when this item is back in stock" but it came with a warning that makes me think it won't be back in stock any time soon and that the option only exists so they can spam your in box "we know you searched this xbox 360 slim but maybe you would be interested in new kenco coffee"'s happened before. So now I log in at 7am daily just in case they restock them, don't email me, and some other grubby mitts get one first...

Thursday, 11 November 2010

Bet your jealous aren't ya

Lookies what I'm getting

Technology in all it's awesomeness....yup I can see, your jealous!

My opinion is the one that counts!

Today I had a visit from the BARB (Broadcaster's Audience Research Board) who have been pestering calling me for a while now wanting to fit a box to the back of the tv which records what shows I watch (back to back homes under the hammer dr. quinn medicine woman and apprentice then) and the figures they generate are the ones you find in magazines saying 10 million people watch x factor blah blah. So I agreed, not just for the £14 a month they pay you (168 p/annum £1344 for 8 years WOOT!) but also so I can spam their system with incorrect data and totally change the TV that's viewed. Yes I am going to be the girl that leaves it set to porn for 8 hours every night and otherwise watches old rubbishy movies and things where the actors are so old they can't re-create a new series. I shall totally boycott (most) reality TV and all the "crap in the attic" shows too.
I always knew it was MY opinion that was the most important, I even have people turning up at my house now to find out what I think - awesome!

The only slightly concerning thing was how much the man explained that there DEFINITELY wasn't a camera in it...he said this about three times. I'm now kinda paranoid that he put a camera in it to record his own soft porn flick or maybe it's going to read my thoughts?? Time to get the tin foil out of the cupboard!

Wednesday, 10 November 2010

The Germinator

Another one of my favourite obsessions TV shows is the Apprentice. Tonight's brilliant line from the moron who went was...

"I'm always thinking outside the box, if I was an apple pie, the apples inside would be orange!"

I mean WTF?!? What on earth does that mean?!? It's not going to be an APPLE pie then is it?


Thursday, 4 November 2010

Before anyone else says it...."Windows 8 was my Idea"

I have been having nothing but trouble with my computers today, not only have I had the sheet I'd "fixed" break again (that's three hours of my life I'd like back) but somehow I have managed to remove the start bar and the address/tab internet bar from my desktop. I do NOT know how I did this. I figured I must have pressed an F key while typing but after jabbing all of them in many different combinations including in-time with the Simpsons TV theme it's still not fixed. (and amazingly not even more broken)
Can this really all be my fault or has my electronic staff member finally gone on strike? Maybe it's time to get a typewriter and some carrier pigeons although knowing my luck they'd only go and choke on their water or something equally as moronic just to get away from me.


I finally told D what I've done he scowled and like a good code monkey went to fix it for me :)

D: You've hit F11 and gone into full screen mode.
ME: I pressed F11 to fix it
D: Well I just pressed it and now it's fine
ME: Well I tried turning the volume down
D: What?
Me: I mean the Screen Size...
D: (walking off and muttering) Turn the volume down yeah cause on any other computer that would work

I'm going to go buy him a banana

Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Can't Cook, Won't Cook

On our local TV at the moment is a series called 30 minute meals. It involves a chef called Jamie Oliver showing us how to make "simple" dishes in 30 minutes to feed a family of four. Inspired by this idea I have been designing my own 30 minute meals for our house and I have to say it has all been going wonderfully. D rings me 40 minutes before he arrives and each night there is a piping hot meal on the table, sometimes with a dessert, there are always two side dishes and almost all washing up has also been done. Yes, I am a domestic goddess...or at least I was until tonight.
With everything going well I decided I would use the tv show's actual recipes rather than making up my own.
Tonight I was making:
"Jamie's Rogan josh curry with fluffy rice, carrot salad, poppadoms, banoffee pie and flatbread."

It. was. a. dis. as. ter.

Here is a list of just some of what went wrong...
  • He quickly chops up the butter nut squash, (30sec) I struggled to get the label off mine as it left the "information" stuck on the side with glue which I could barely peel off and definitely wasn't eating (8mins)
  • He puts the garlic in a press and squeezes them over the curry (5 secs). I squeeze and squeeze my garlic but it ain't going anywhere but garlic juice is now spraying me in the eye, after much hopping and screeching I eventually had to chop it up instead (5minutes)
  • He chops the lemons in 4 seconds, this takes me the best part of ten minutes as they kept sliding everywhere and again squirting into my eyes, eventually I had to use scissors
  • His workstation remained immaculate mine became a leaning tower of piza
  • He had more pans and electrical outlets than I did
  • My banoffee burnt while I was trying to rewind the video to see what his looked like
  • I don't know about his flatbread but mine had burnt along with the banoffee - at no point did he say to check it
  • My carrot salad tasted like soap
  • Although i did pause the show and rewind a bit strangely it also lasted the 2 hours and 30 minutes of my cooking

The list goes on.

2 Hours and 35 Minutes later dinner was finally done.
The meal smelt delicious and D was making all the appropriate yummy noises...that is...until we tried it.
As far as flavours go....there wasn't one. I had followed him to the letter I had used every spice, lemon rind and garlic clove as instructed, and the result was....well...nothing. The whole meal tasted like warm wet veg.

Gee that made me pleased I'd spent the last THREE HOURS OF MY LIFE in that godforsaken kitchen mess with stuff EVERYWHERE! And now, not only did the meal not have any real wow factor but it also had left me with the entire contents of my kitchen to clean up.

D diligently scraped plates and helped stack dishes but it was all too much for me as I began proclaiming at the top of my lungs that Jamie Oliver was a b******d and obviously all his real tips are in his ruddy new book!
The only thing I have learnt from his show is that it is entirely possible to make a dessert and a side dish for a 30 minute meal...provided the dessert fits in a ramekin and the side dish is a pour out of the bag pre-prepared salad. Bravo Jamie you just invented a whole new way of conning people...
"Buy my new book it tell you how to open a bag and pour"

This has all ended with me making an offering to the cleaning faerie (of Jamie's severed head) and walking out of my kitchen with my eyes shut and my hands over my ears going "lalalala it's all clean"

Monday, 1 November 2010

Jack-O-Lantern Thievery and Other Tom-Foolery

Well at some point between putting a fresh candle in the pumpkin (while two teens in no costume trick or treated us) and going to bed 30 minutes later, someone STOLE my jack-o-lantern!!
I've debated using the picture I took of it on a "KIDNAPPED" poster but it's probably not nearly as recognisable now it's been on it's little adventure.
Now if I was going to become a pumpkin thief (would this make scrum ping for apples prump kinning? I'd go around the neighbourhood swapping peoples pumpkins over so when they got up in the morning they'd get totally freaked out, either that or I'd line them all up in the front garden of a certain house - take that noisy neighbour, evil pumpkins judge you!

I'm too bothered that it vanished after the kids had ToT'd as, for once, I don't have a rotting pumpkin sat on my porch waiting for Dom the pumpkin faerie to magically remove it.
There is no sign of the pumpkin's not even smashed in the middle of the road...which is what I'd expected, I've had a wander round the neighbourhood today hoping to find it propped in some hilarious position but nope it has totally vanished....I guess the little thieves had no imagination pumpkin faerie finally came early this year!