Monday 28 February 2011

Tying up loose ends

I finally ate my 500g of pic-n-mix this weekend, and I've decided that because it lasted me 5 whole days and provided so much happiness I have to continue the pic-n-mix quest again next week. You may notice the sheer amount of pink n white bottles, they are my favourites :)

It also has made me want to go and fill 10 bags with pic n mix and then to go around my friends houses and drop them off a bag :) I could be the pic-n-mix faerie!

D has also returned from his business trip. Did I mention I'd met him at the train station before he left and handed him his own bag of pic-n-mix? Per my instructions he had robbed his hotel room of all the goodies his teeny tiny satchel could hold.

Those biscuits were heavenly. Home-made shortbread-oaty-sugary-cranberry goodness in a bag :)
What neither of us had realised was the "hotel" was a SPA! So he stole me some spa goodies too and the bubblebath smells awesome.

Some of you may also remember the mystery gift I was receiving for Christmas from my friends. Well I finally got it...yes in February...(we are very busy people) and since there were requests to keep you updated I can tell you my friend gave me the special edition set of the Twilight movies in a fancy little tin. This was NOT what D had tried to spoil the surprise with so all is good.

Friday 25 February 2011

Cash Flow Craziness

Ugh my business is going through a rough cash-flow period and I will be spending the next few days rectifying it, mega-fun weekend ahead, NOT. If an error or mistake occurs once it's a coincidence, if it occurs twice, it's a trend. I'm dealing with a new site which is causing my cash flow to continually creep into a deficit.
I sell something on their site. It then takes 14-30 days for the funds to reach my bank account. In that time I have to post the item (at my own cost until funds clear.) Now that's not too terrible a system. But imagine if I am selling 50 goods A WEEK all which have to be posted at my cost of an average £2 per item. That's £100 I have to fork out WEEKLY for ONE site. And I don't get that money back for 20+ days! So in a 21 day period I pay out approx £300 and don't receive any money INTO my account. Hence cash flow crisis.
There's also that wonderful piece of information that keeps bumping into my head that says 'most new businesses fail in their first year due to cash flow issues,' so I'm really having to tighten the reins and change my current thinking pattern (re-purchase what I've sold so I can sell it again as a priority when keeping a working cash credit is actually more important.)
It's REALLY hurting my business. Apparently the payment restrictions clear after a few months but for now I'm spending most of my days ripping my hair out frustrated that I can't touch my own hard-earned money.
And I really need to change my own habits (as highlighted before) so I'm actually going to enlist D as an outsider to help me (since he does this sort of thing at work.)

Now for some reason I can listen to people giving me help and advice but when it comes to D it just pisses me off and makes me go crazy. So I'm really going to have to try remember I am asking for his help and therefore should not lose my temper or go crazy at him. We'll see.

Thursday 24 February 2011

While the Cat's Away

So since D was away for one night, and one night only. I decided I had to cram as much fun into my one night of freedom as possible.
**disclaimer, not that D isn't fun but I rarely can be 100% girly like I could in my teens curled up in my bedroom with my friends**
Here is my list of stuff to do and what actually happened to my list once I had been gate-crashed by my dear friend Tinkerberry whose fella had gone AWOL, and you all know the number 1 rule with stupid men is to NOT be sat at home waiting for them to call.

a) Get Drunk
Taken too many painkillers today so can't drink - FAIL
b) Paint Nails
Forgot
c) Eat like a pig
Success a burger, fries, salad, chocolate and chips
d) Do something silly
I watch Tinkerberry trying to do pilates on my floor and I also contact an OLD friend which is barmy totally barmy
e) Take an embarrassing photo
Roarke was my victim, a picture of him in a carrier bag he'd stolen , what was silly is it was a picture of my fingers and a tiny bit of Roarke but he'd moved so I couldn't re-create.
f) Finally watch 'Bridge to Teribithia' (which I owed myself since I did my accounts in January)
Didn't do, will I EVER see this film?? We tried watching breakfast at Tiffany's, Family guy, and Pushing daisies but we weren't paying attention
g) Do two baskets of ironing (Sadly I'm not 16 any more and have actual responsibilities)
Nope got distracted by Tinkerberry until 1am
h) Eat my massive quantity of pic-n-mix purchased earlier in the day
TOTAL FAIL, after my quest for the pic-n-mix I didn't even eat ANY as I was too full on dinner
ha) Weigh and photograph my pic-n-mix
Not done but I will do it later :)
i) make a silly phone call
I rang D to instruct him to steal EVERYTHING in his hotel room and ragged him on his imaginary man-crush when pleading didn't work, yes I'd turned to blackmail
j) finish off the whisky
Nope see a :(
k) have a bubble bath
Nope, Tinkerberry wasn't going to have to wait for me to do this and by 1am I didn't WANT a bath
l) finish bioshock
Probably not a safe idea since D wasn't home and Tinkerberry and I were discussing horror films that scare the be-jeebus out of us...and zombies...and she laughed at my Zombie phobia but she's scared of freddie kruger so I laughed at her (We're not very sympathetic). We shared why they scared us, I shared my Zombie action plan and as she said when the stuff hits the fan, either I'll turn out like the chick from resident evil or be fodder like the extra in the horror films - so true
m) see how many times I can bug phone D before he gets mad
Total fail since D rang me nonstop all night, I counted more than 10 calls.

Wednesday 23 February 2011

Abandon-ed

D has been whisked away on a 24h-notice business thang and won't be back until 10pm Thursday. Woe is me. He's been out the door five minutes and I'm already considering throwing a house party, except I have no money for drinks and chips so it might be a sucky house party.
While D is away my cats "Holly-sit" and supervise my sleeping 'cause of wardrobe monsters and potential burglar and psychos. In a perfect world I'd have one furry hot water bottle on my feet, one on my tummy and another curled round my side.
Unfortunately they have a mini war over WHO gets to sit with me and who gets relegated to the foot of the bed. This war is not quiet and involves lots of pouncing and hissing which means by midnight, the object of their affection starts kicking them off the bed and trying to squish them in the covers so they'll shut the hell up.
I swear Evie has a head made of concrete. I'm happily snoozing when the heavy sledgehammer "butts me" in the face. No matter how I hide, pin her down, or how many "noooevieonoo" noises I make she inflicts her very wet nose and drill-bit head on my face. She is my least favourite wake-up call.



I really want a house party, only I want a lot of junk food and pic n mix (I want pic n mix real bad) and maybe some people could just bring me the free booze and free food and then just go home so I can sit in the bed with my personal cat war and a movie while I eat my own body weight in candy.

Tuesday 22 February 2011

Crazy Fox Dreams

I'll share my crazy dream with you. In amongst lots of running and fighting I dreamt about a fox running along the end of my garden and it kept doing it so at some point I got annoyed and unloaded three crossbow bolts into it (I remember feeling shocked at my dream self for such violence) and it didn't even die, then it ran in my neighbours house and I was all annoyed and I woke up, it was the middle of the night, and I had a nose bleed, 'cause apparently God smites fox hunters!

D took great delight in asking the google gods what type of serial killer this makes me and he found this;

'To see a fox in your dream, represents insight, cleverness, cunningness and resourcefulness. Perhaps the dream is telling you that you need to exhibit more of these qualities in your waking life. Or that you need to conceal your thoughts and be more discrete about some situation. The fox may also symbolize someone in your waking life who is sly and sneaky. Alternatively, seeing a fox in your dream, indicates a period of isolation or loneliness.
If you see a fox slyly coming into your yard, beware of envious friendships; your reputation is being slyly assailed.
To kill a fox, could denote that you will win in every engagement.'

Who knew I was so deep? So apparently I'm feeling isolated and alone, there is someone sly and sneaky in my life who is bitchin' about me and I'll kill them and get away with it, cause I'm so clever and cunning. Yup definitely a serial killer in the making.

EDIT: I just realised last week I posted about a mouse-hunting fox and then now I'm having foxy dreams...what is going on?!?

Monday 21 February 2011

This is a Public Service Announcement

If your house, home or flat also has it's own version of THE ROOM ignore my previous encouragement's - put a padlock on the door, nail some boards across it and shut it forever.
As you may remember I opened my 'ROOM,' I unpacked that baby and gave boxes of stuff to charity, binned bags of old things and stored what I chose to keep securely and tidily.
What I hadn't realised is that 'THE ROOM' is an infection, a virus which since I opened the door has steadily been spreading through the rest of my house. I'm finding boxes stacked in the hallway, living and dining rooms, boxes which I have no knowledge of, and that D has no knowledge of entering our home.
Everywhere we look new boxes have grown in some sort-of removal nightmare, and there is NOWHERE TO PUT THEM!
The only option to save our home is to fill 'THE ROOM' full of the spread of infection and quarantine the area. Perhaps then, the rest of the house can be saved.

Friday 18 February 2011

Scavenger Hunt

As you may remember from my valentine's post, D doesn't celebrate Valentines day, however he can be conned into celebrating "Wednesday" just because "It's not Valentines day." So I made him this scavenger hunt for around the house and watched his bewilderment as he muttered "I should have put more thought into your gift." He's known me for eight or nine years now and if he's going to keep making these rookie mistakes and under-estimating me well then that's on him.



' "I may have Squeaky Hinges,
and a Rattling Letterbox too,
I'm the place for entry and exit,
used everyday by you."

Located at the front door were metal house numbers for him to attach outside

"At the end of a long hard day,
Just come and climb inside,
Underneath my soft warm covers,
is the cosiest place to hide."


"Open my door today,
and throw all your clothes in,
I'll rinse soak and wash,
and finish with a spin"

I brought him a Vintage red Givenchy tie for work, did I mention D loves ties.

"Pop in my plug,
fill me with hot bubbles,
jump into me,
and wash away your troubles"


"I am sometimes called 'the box'
entertaining is what I am for,
bringing movies, soaps and fun,
directly to your door."


And the final gift was 'LIPS' for the xbox, we have had so much fun howling along with the songs on it and trying to rap. At one point we both collapsed on the floor in fits of giggles - best.gift.ever.

D did get me a wonderful card full of mushiness which I won't share less he comes and takes it away from me again and of course he brought me candy, lots 'o candy.

Thursday 17 February 2011

Rorschach Test Time!

It's time to find out, which of you are mentally unstable, serial killers in the making, or just plain old psychos. But instead of looking at ink-blots and telling me what you see, here are the remaining pictures from my Pyro-activities
If you could comment on what you see in each picture, then leave your address for me to send the men in white coats they'd...I mean...I'd appreciate it.
1.

2.

3.

4.

Apologies on the image size but while re-sizing I accidentally saved over my photos with this tiny size so erm, get a magnifier or something.... I mean...yeah, that's part of the test...
Happy Testing you serial killer, you and I'll get my team of 'experts' working hard to analyse your results

The team of experts

Wednesday 16 February 2011

I'm a Fire starter, Terrific Fire starter

Ever since I was a kid, I've loved fire. I even wrote poems about fire at school and was dubbed "gifted" rather than "troubled."
I spent my teens burning things and not in a anything-will-do kind-of way but in the girl scout, well build fire kind-of way. I was fascinated by the colours, shapes and textures that appeared in an controlled fire. I knew where my parents kept the matches (top of the range in the middle sized left-hand tin) and I'd sneak a box out to go build a camp-fire on their patio and sit with my friends roasting marshmallows.
I'd always scrub the floor afterwards, bury the remains and pop a planter over the scorch mark, I don't think they ever knew.

For my art exam I build a big twig construction in the garden while my dad filmed it and then burnt it to the ground. I got a B (pretty impressive since it was just me being a pyromaniac) and have the whole thing on video to torture my future kids with. The first ever fire I built was on a beach in Scotland supervised (a bit) by my dad. It took me a whole box of swan vesta matches, including the box, to get that baby going - but it burned for five hours and it.was.awesome.

So imagine my delight when the sheer quantity of cardboard and damaged books I had taking over my house justified using an incinerator. And the even greater joy when my brother-in-law dropped his off for me to use!
So I put my fire starter beret on (because we all know that's what all good fire starters wear) and got to work burning everything (except the garden) that I could get my hands on, wicker, cardboard, old books, tax forms...and it was goooood.



The flames were red, gold, blue, green & purple

The fire was throwing off some pretty snazzy shapes

I think the top flame looks fish-like a bit like Cleo from Pinocchio

Eventually the rain came which meant I had to stop and continue the burning in a few days. So being all insp-fire-d I came inside and read Dante's Inferno - because we all know I'm an 'educated' fire starter.

Monday 14 February 2011

Valentine's a No-no

We all know D Sucks at Gifting and is a Christmas Scrooge. Well that also extends to Valentine's day (I'm such a lucky woman). My therapist Some may suggest I don't take it personally..here is D's view about valentines day.

'Valentines Day is a commercial day when people buy each other crap and pretend that for one day they were special and deserved presents and that they only do it because its "Valentines Day" not because they want to."

My argument is that if he showered me with gifts throughout the year he could have this mightier than thou stance on people buying gifts JUST because it's valentines day. I do think Valentines day is a bit ridiculous but I also think it's nice to let your loved one know that on the day everyone else is declaring their undying love that they are in your thoughts. At any rate we don't celebrate it.
Yes sometimes when all my friends are waving bouquets, cards, and candies around I can feel a bit sad (who doesn't like being spoiled) but then I remember that D is the guy who on our second wedding anniversary left me stood on a cliff top as he ran down to the beach and drew in 10ft high letters "I LOVE YOU!" Before dashing back up (gasping for breath) and well and truly kissed me in front of the crowd that had gathered. I was flushed pink and people were calling for him to propose so poor D had to explain we were already married and it was our anniversary. (They actually seemed disappointed that they weren't going to witness a proposal.)

I know D's gift giving (or lack of) is born purely from intimidation (and not the previously suspected laziness), since I am such an awesome gift giver (ask him, he'll tell you that) he always feels like he can't match my awesomeness (I am pretty awesome), so in his opinion since he flounders so....why try, I think he may even actually dread gift buying in case it's not perfect.

P.S I have let him THINK he's won the Valentines war but I have bought him something for Wednesday instead which was our "first date" and I'm going to embarrass him then - SCAVENGER HUNT STYLE.

Saturday 12 February 2011

Spontaneous nights out

Last night we went to an as much as Holly can cram in her handbag all you can eat Chinese restaurant. It was great fun but while we were there D managed to insult the (16yr old) waitress with a comment about Tibet. Yes we all made him go sit at a different table.
Then I decided to embarrass the table by ordering a glass of rum for the sole reason that; "I wanted to be a pirate," so I'm arghhh, matey and raaagh - ing and after my 4th sip of straight rum the walls went all wobbly and I felt so lovely. So we started discussing some documentaries we've seen. I shouted across to D and we shared the story of the snow fox who can hear a mouse from 10ft under snow and then does this whole massive pouncy thing to get it.

Which then led me to discuss...um...how in the program the wolves were "at-it" and my mum got all embarrassed and tried to talk over it and then the wolf that had "gone at it" was a loner and the rest of the pack came for him, but because they can't un-couple he was dragging the girl wolf across the floor "joined at the you know what" and they are both squealing from the pain and my mum was trying to appear comfortable watching this nature show with her daughter and son-in-law...this is the point I realised I was talking so loud everyone else in the restaurant had stopped talking and was watching me.....I thought what I was talking about was okay I mean it's science right? So to quiet the looks about my wolf sex conversation I announced loudly and like they were idiots...it was a DOCUMENTARY.
I'll cross rum off my "drinks with friends" list.

Friday 11 February 2011

Zombies, Big Daddys, and Taken OH MY!

We all know bravery isn't one of my best Shrimp Girl powers, or at least not when it comes to horror and zombies, but once again I have tried to do more than my yellow-bellied self will allow.
I recently purchased two new xbox games - Alan Wake and Bioshock.
They are horror films, personified. They trap ME in them running from chainsaw wielding maniacs and trying to save my ass from crazy zombies/possessed people.

Alan wake is a psychological thriller and is done in the style of a Stephen King novel which you, as the author, are living the nightmare. The lines between what is real and what isn't blur and the plot follows (bestselling thriller novel writer) Alan Wake as he uncovers the mystery behind his wife Alice's disappearance while both are on vacation in the small town of Bright Falls, Washington, where he experiences blackouts and visions of characters and ideas from his latest novel, which he cannot remember writing, coming to life.

It's really, really good and it's very, very scary. Every time an axe-wielding enemy (taken) comes running through the fog at me...I scream... every time a group of enemies surround me, I scream, every time they attack my character...I scream. D is forced daily to drop what he is doing and to come sit next to me for hours on end just to keep me safe. (of course he then does that "omg what's that behind you" trick so I scream and jump and he cackles at the fact there was nothing there)



The other game I purchased is Bioshock, in it I play a plane crash survivor named Jack, who must explore the underwater city of Rapture, and survive attacks by the mutated beings and mechanical drones that populate it. - did you get that part about mutated beings? I was doing okay until these beings began TELEPORTING around me causing me to - yup you got it SCREAM my little ass off.
By far the most sinister story of Bioshock is that of the little sister. which is protected by the Big Daddy, the big daddy I have to kill to save or HARVEST?!? said little sister.




You may ask me, 'why if you are scared do you continue to buy and play these things', the answer is simple, I am intrigued by the story-lines and the suspense, I want to understand why these things happen and how they are solved. My curiosity is what keeps me flicking to the horror channel I HATE gore and my over-active imagination is what get's me later but I need to know what happens and I need to understand why. Unfortunately I get SO immersed in the story that I become terrified.

And now, of course, here comes the predictable bit - I had a very weird nightmare last night, first I was at a vets with a rabid cat, then doing a striptease on stage in a bikers club to try distract them so we could escape and then let's just say it was night, there were LOTS of zombies and I was trying desperately to get away. I kept waking up then falling straight back into the nightmare, and my feet hurt from all the dream-running I did....you'd really think I'd have learnt by now.

Thursday 10 February 2011

Saying goodbye

The funeral was yesterday, it was a lot better than we'd all thought it would be with a light-hearted edge and much chattering. I did break-down at the end of the service but I think that was more relief that it was done than anything. My sister-in-law and I clung to each other sobbing, it's so satisfying to cry when the person holding you is crying about the same thing too, it makes you feel understood on some deep level.

The collation was really lovely, we brought D's Grandad a Bacardi and coke (his "drink") and had it set beside his photo at the bar (a tradition I like to up-hold). We ate a lot of absolutely delicious food (I went to the buffet four, yes four times) and then the immediate family sat around a table telling stories and jokes, and for two hours, our table howled with laughter. It was wonderful. Even D's dad was laughing and smiling which was a relief. Here is one of the funniest jokes from the day that I can actually remember enough to re-tell, it's based around jess going to the buffet to get scones, us all debating if it's pronounced s-con or scoh-ne and returning to David sat in her chair;

J: That's Jess's Chair
Dave: It's Dave's Chair
J: It was Jess's Chair
Dave: You got up so now it's scone (scoh-ne)

Probably not as funny now but in context it was hilarious.

It was nice to say good bye to Grandad Len and I'd like to share two memories with you;
I remember for my birthday one year he invited D and I to his holiday home for the weekend, when we arrived he'd made me a party tea (a wonderful surprise) and we all enjoyed it together, (as this was set in our dark ages) he even gave D some money so he could take me out for dinner that night, he was so very generous.

My second memory is of him dancing with me on our wedding day, he spun me round the dance floor at light speed (a bit faster than my dress could allow) and with a lot more verve than I'd have thought he'd manage. It was lovely and he showered me with compliments. Sadly my own grandfathers died many years before so being able to dance with D's Grandad really meant something to me.

He was a little crotchety at times but every time he interfered, got someone's back up or offered opinions it was because he cared but just couldn't word it well. He was very generous, always offering compliments and I used to love to cook for him, often sending him extras and left-overs. I'll miss his visits, his phone calls and his smile. He'll be sadly missed.

Tuesday 8 February 2011

Monday 7 February 2011

Superbowl Sunday!

We had a Superbowl Adventure! In the middle of Christina's warbling of the anthem, D screamed "Hamster"" at me. I thought he was just dissing her make-up but nope, Bailey, my hamster was sitting on the floor by the Ottoman. Bailey the escape artist who should have been in her new (apparently not hamster-proof) cage. She was sitting there looking at us with a "has the Superbowl started yet" expression on her face while my THREE CATS lurked in the doorway behind her.
I did a whole belly-crawl try not to let her think I'm going to grab her before I grab her manoeuvre to get her to safety.
We took her back to the cage TWO ROOMS AWAY - which was still in one piece - and still locked up tight. Crazy hamster!
This has only happened once before - she escaped from her rolling explora-ball a year ago, and was herded through the house by my cats suddenly appearing in the centre of the living room (while we had visitors.) D and I screamed "HAMSTER" and once again I had to pull a fucking matrix move to catch her.
I'd like to add that my Cats are ruthless mice and vole killing machines but I trained them from day one with Bailey that she was higher in the food chain than them. It's really lucky since she has a penchance for exploration and they have sharp teeth and claws. Evie however adores her, she will sit and chatter with Bailey through the bars and rub up against her - until Bailey nibbles her nose, just to remind her whose boss.

Now back to the actual superbowl. I bet that the GB packers would WIN the coin-toss, I was right but then I remembered I forgot to actually PUT my bet on for that so I'm annoyed at myself.
The bet I actually put on was for Steelers to win overall and GB Packers to lead at half time. Stupidly Steelers failed to come back turning my prophetic dream into a proverbial nightmare. Amongst the losing I decided at 00:20am (superbowl here is LA-TE finishing at 3:30am) that I wanted to order take-out. I ordered from Viva on-line and they rejected the order (in all fairness they were due to close only minutes later) so I ordered from Presto instead. 10 Minutes later Viva rang me up to say they'd "changed their minds" and could deliver. I politely explained we'd already gone elsewhere and hung-up. A Few minutes later Presto rang to confirm my order (that consisted of lots of Tennessee toffee pie and checking that one person would really want that much pie). The phone rang - it was Viva (again) calling to tell me they were delivering our order because they had started cooking it. D explained to them (more politely than I would have) that THEY had REJECTED our order so WE had gone to a COMPETITOR.
Luckily when the food arrived there was no Pistols at dawn in the garden from Viva and Presto meeting on my "turf" and being such a lil piggie I still have toffee pie left for Breakfast.
Hoo-rah!

Saturday 5 February 2011

I'm back

Thanks everyone for your kind thoughts it's been a weird week. The funeral is on Wednesday and I'm NOT looking forward to it since I'm certain I will be a blubbering wreck and I prefer to do my blubbering on D's shoulder in private. The week has been so surreal and our sleeping patterns are a mess. D and I went to visit the funeral home where his Grandad is "resting" a few days ago, which helped me get my head around him actually being gone. When we were leaving we found ourselves in a long corridor full of identical doors, the room behind us was where we had visited his Grandad and ONE of the doors around us led to the exit. I freaked out as we had no idea which was was the exit and I didn't want to keep opening doors up to lots of dead people. Luckily D is a genius and hadn't gotten lost (like me), it was totally creepy for a moment though, you'd think they'd label the doors or something.

On a lighter note, this was our Chinese New Year spread; we celebrated it a little later than we should (and by celebrated I mean we cooked and ate lots of Chinese style dishes).

Yes that's a whole crispy aromatic duck sat on that there plate, and yes it was delicious, I'm even eating Fortune Cookies as I type.
Apparently I'm "Ein Einsatz, der alle Ihre Kraft forderte, zahlt sich nun aus." Which translates to "An action that required all your forces will pay" ... is it me or are the fortunes getting weird?

We've also been watching the Heroes series for the first time (christmas gift from Tinkerberry) and I've found out that I have magical powers too. I also can draw the future! I've been doodling lots of pictures of D bringing me food and drink and things, waving them in his face and then he's been bringing them to me. Yup this must be one of my Shrimp Girl Powers.

Tuesday 1 February 2011

Bad news happens to everyone.

We've just lost a close member of our family. D's Grandad died at 6am on Sunday. He had been diagnosed with lung cancer but after a fretful Christmas (being told his death would be imminent) he was told "you should have a while left, it could be 10 days or 10 years" and was receiving physiotherapy so he could go home. Then suddenly, (it seems that way to us), with no further deterioration as such, he's died.
Thankfully he went in his sleep, a relief as his breathing would have been difficult and I'd rather he was asleep when he stopped being able to breathe and not awake and terrified.
I'm going to be MIA for a few days, nothing much seems funny at the moment - well okay so a lot of stuff does but I can't figure out if it IS funny or if we are just laughing hysterically.
D is off work on compassionate leave and I'm behind with my work from the weekend and need to catch up. We are bumping along trying to keep each other going. Sunday I looked through old albums and had a cry, yesterday we got drunk and today I think we might get just a little more drunk (once I've posted my orders - getting drunk beforehand would probably just get a lot of people the wrong stuff).
I'll be back soon, just taking some time to let this all sink in, it just doesn't feel real.