Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Shrimp Girl kicks the ass of any room, every time.

I had a mad tidy up today to make my workspace look like I've never done a moment's work in it before. My desk turned into a display, my bookshelves had all the books pointing upwards and all facing in the same direction, it was a freaking miracle!
My office was so.....tidy.
Never has it been that way before, and I'm sure it never will be again so it's pretty good that I'll obtain some photographic evidence that it once was. Maybe I can thrust it into the faces of everyone who comes to visit as I chant the words "See, bits of my house were tidy once."

The photographer was really nice, I seemed far more coherent today so it's a shame he wasn't writing my story and only taking my photo.
The first photo I had done was the hilarious "stood by a bookshelf while balancing my laptop in one hand, pretending to type with the other hand while smiling at the camera...." yeah...totally natural....
He did mention that I need to keep my eyes open since I was "starting to look slightly Asian" to which I replied "I know what you mean, I've seen that in some of our holiday photos, but I refer to it as my 'ORC face' so at least you're being flattering about it."

ORC FACE - Where you are caught eyes scrunched up, mid blink, and like you just crawled out of a swamp., or possibly recently auditioned as Gollum...

The final photo was my favourite, it had me leaning back against the bookcases in the corner of the room with my arms folded and legs crossed really relaxed looking and me beaming at the camera.... Well that's how it looked in the tiny window of his digital camera.. not sure what the life-size version will look like.
When D came home from work he was desperate to see the photos - which of course I don't have I led him upstairs into the office, stood him back...and then adopted the same pose as before and smiled. I figure it can't be too far off the original.

The article should be out next Thursday - eep and my PRECIOUS photo will be in it... hopefully I don't come off as el crazy weirdo and more confident business woman... but I have a feeling the crazy in me is going to win that one...

Buy my books DAMMIT!

Tuesday, 30 August 2011

They don't teach you everything at school...

I clearly need to take a class in how to use office equipment since earlier today I managed to staple my finger to a cardboard box - ouching hellsfire!
My thought process went a little something like this...

" I wonder if my finger is a little too close to the.....MOTHER OF ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH "

Ugh....probably not a good idea to now use scissors to cut my sandwich, or a pen to eat my salad... I might choke or inhale a blade or small paper clip or something...

In chateau de Holly things have gone from busy to down right crazy. I already had tonnes to do before getting a stall at two fairs this weekend...when heck I know, I seem to not be juggling with BOTH feet so I'll have a newspaper interview - which occurring post staple incident probably didn't go too well - I think I couldn't stop rambling - and then the reporter decided they want a photo of me with some books (I mean how sad is that, I'm going to look like a crazy lady clutching my books to my chest talking about how vital books are..)
And better yet, they're going to take the photos my HOUSE....tomorrow.
So now it's 10pm and I still need to clean ALL the things, turn the office into a streamlined workspace and not just a messy dumping ground, and get all my work done, which I'm already half a day behind on.....simples?

I also was woken at 8am by the delivery guy a DAY EARLY blocking my ENTIRE STREET with his lorry full of my craft kits and assorted goodies. I had to crawl out and sign stuff in my dressing gown while wiping sleep from my eyes as the neighbourhood got hacked off at his lorry - so I looked damn sexy and not at all like Griselda the Witch. Then I showed off my lack of morning super powers as he passed me a giant box - which he made out to be feather light... and which I then had to drag/push into the house since it was so heavy - all while wearing my sexy sleepwear...

This has been an AWESOME day...../sarcasm

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

Things that annoy me rant #789 (now with more aliens)

There are a few things I see in my travels around my world (tv/town/internet) that drive me freaking crazy.

a) The new movie trailer from Apollo 18.

(Our broadcast trailer doesn't even have this much info)

It comes out with such stupid lines as "Find out why we never went back..." or "Discover the real reason we never went back..."
COME ON NOW, there were 17 PREVIOUS missions to the moon which were fine (ish) but that 18th one, that one was the charm waking up some great big evil creepy thing. Seriously...I'm supposed to believe this. I think we didn't go back because the moon was done now and we moved onto Mars. Dumbass filmaking morons.

b) When people list something on-line as "priced to sell"

Well Duh, you didn't price it NOT to sell now did you?! Writing such stupid statements as the one above is what forces me to send you a private message offering a penny for all your stuff. You're desperate...I have the cash...I value it at just above FREE.

c) That stupid Detoll hand-pump advert

I think when I first watched this advert I thought "cool it senses you" for about four seconds before my brain went HUH?! Now I get that this would have been a great advert if they'd just tried to flog the pump as a gimmicky gadget. But here is where it goes wrong.... I'm about to use the soap to wash my hands so what does it matter if when I push the lever down germs get on my hands?
Was I REALLY the only person who realised that? According to my nearest and dearest - yes.

d) How the TV adverts have conned us for years into thinking that Limescale = evil germs.

This point on the bashing list was brought to my attention by D. The gist of the advert was playing on the idea that limescale in the toilet was a bug, a germ (when it isn’t). The graphic depicted an evil monster with a face and everything, which is certainly the opposite of a calcified build up of minerals.

CAPTION READS:  Use on pre-cleaned surface. The formula leaves a flush activated protective shield  all around the bowl, that repels limescale. (SEE IT'S EVIDENCE OF THEIR STUPIDITY)
Then, the voice over suggested that this limescale provided a bumpy surface on which germs will somehow be more harmful than on the smooth porcelain surface of the loo…. Which is also total rubbish, except from the perspective that a bumpy, undulating limescale patch will have a larger surface area than the smooth loo. Not that that's what the advert was talking about. No it claims that limescale is a big scary germ infecting your loo and making it dangerous.

**I broke the text here somehow and I don't know how I did it!**

e) How the Kindle and Ipad conned us and NO ONE NOTICED!!!

Again I seem to be the only person ON THE FREAKING PLANET who has realised what they have done. Please note I am not bashing the Evil Kindle or the Ipad here, but simply the marketing geniuses.
Let me explain what their original meeting was all about....
"We need to show that this is a really special item... I know books are big so let's show them how this massive book of 1000 pages fits on this tiny lightweight machine - it's genius."
And looked really impressive I mean that whole book all on this tiny device... until you realise you're not actually getting a book. Stay with me here.
There are no pages or binding or anything like that, what actually happens is they send you a text document, that's cool right...which you then read on this....document...reader... HANG ON. That's been happening for YEARS. It happens every time I turn my computer on (also just a giant document reader) or my phone, or hell any piece of software. It's not that special, so why the hell is it made out to be. Just because they are driving the whole "It's a book reader" thing it sounds impressive, but it really is just a glorified document reader.

** Please note: I may be currently suffering from PMT which may be why these things are driving me crazy....that and also because they are just plain stupid. Why don't we all just play some boggle and leave the grown-up decisions and writing of things to people who have more than half a brain. K?

Tuesday, 23 August 2011

Don't get too cocky now...

So I've been learning to drive, so far I have had three lessons for a total of 4.5 hours. And I thought it was going pretty well. My instructor thought I was doing well, I've mastered quiet roundabouts (rotaries?) with no extra traffic on them, turning, braking smoothly and I'm better at using my gears. Not to mention that I haven't killed anyone....yet. I've done a little reversing, hill start/stops and felt my general fear of "driving" had waned and I felt in control and capable of doing it, sure I might make mistakes but I'm learning and the majority of the time I'm fine.
Well yesterday it all went to pot.
I'd been driving happily at 30/40mph in my last lesson, and I guess my instructor just thought I was finding it all too easy...we started the day's lesson on a hill (please remember my actual driving time at this point is 1.5 hours) and he has me drive to a nearby village through the countryside at 60mph.
Firstly these roads have no markings so it feels like I was either driving too far out or trying to drive in a ditch...other traffic out here does what it wants NOT what it's supposed's so freaking fast I can't think straight...I got behind a line of traffic and had to practise driving behind people at 60mph and it was terrifying. Some roads look as if they go straight but actually curve sharply to the left.
I encountered my first ever traffic lights on this road and um...stalled...
I then drove us back to a quiet estate. I felt very, very flustered, scared and overwhelmed....which is probably what caused me to fluff everything I know how to do. At every SINGLE junction I then came to...I stalled. Stalling was not exclusive to junctions, nor was it limited to one stall per one point I had stalled six times in one turn. I then missed turns at roundabouts, and drove round one with my hand on my horn since I'd slipped and daren't straighten my hands to stop the horn in case I drove off the roundabout wrong.
So it went VERY badly. And I'm so scared and freaked out I'm not sure I want to learn to drive now... I am aware I might feel better next time we do it, maybe it just surprised me and freaked me out. Still I'm feeling pretty traumatized today, and sleeping on it hasn't improved my mood.

Monday, 22 August 2011

Monday, 15 August 2011

New Crap for Old

It never fails to amaze me what some people will buy on Ebay. I'm trying to sell some of my old stuff so I can go out and buy nice shiny new stuff. I totally get it when you sell DvD's, Games etc. on Ebay 'cause we've been buying those babies second-hand for years now. But buying a rubber ducky the length of my thumb.... for well into £20 ($40)...that's just crazy.

I know Ernie, I can't believe it either.

Clearly all this news about gold being the one of the most precious metals has been a decoy from these little yellow babies. Cha-chinga. Guess what I'm filling my bank balance and bath with.

Hang on to that, it's going to put you through college

Friday, 12 August 2011

All partied out

I had a terrific day, full of swashbuckling, crabs, whale watching and wet feet. I'd talk more about it but in 45 minutes I am going for my FIRST EVER driving lesson....eeep! And I really need to go get dressed. In the meantime, since I may well crash into something and die, thanks for all my birthday messages :) and I'll leave you with a picture of me the candles.
4! Yeah, I was 4 I remember now...

Thursday, 11 August 2011

You're never too old to....

Today is my birthday - woot - and for the first time ever it's raining in August - I mean -WTH? So we're off to the seaside to go crabbing, eat some seafood and go on a boat ride as planned....but apparently all in the falling rain - woot?

So last night I baked myself a cake ('cause seriously, who else is gonna?) But since I'm a little "troubled" when it comes to baking I had a little bit of help from Barbie and Dr.Oetker, cause we're friends ya'll.
Because it's MY cake, what I say goes which is why I made it the way I did, full of sugar and all the things momma used to hide on the top-shelf of the baking sprinkles.....mmmmn...sprinkles.

Can you tell what is it yet?
So I figured I can't go too wrong with the pre-weighed help of two professionals....

I sure hope that batter rises and fills the tin up
Uh-oh doesn't look too hopeful..

Mmmmmmn brownies
Can you believe that I freaking MADE these, they look so yummy!!
Staging area for adding weird icing to the top of my cupcakes
Yes it looks like doggy doo-doo but it really isn't, I tried dying it blue but there isn't enough dye in the work to turn that yellow icing blue. Throw on everything sugar coated in the cupboard and ta-da.......

My Princess (brownie and cupcake) castle cake!! WOOOHOOOO!
See-ya all after my sugar coma!

Wednesday, 10 August 2011

Erin Brockovich through time....

We've been watching some Julia Roberts DvD's recently and have come to the realisation that Julia Roberts seems to pretty much play ONE character in every movie...let me elaborate..

Erin Brockovich explains where she got all her children from (Pretty Woman)
Erin Brockovich gets a rubbish temp PR job (America's Sweethearts)
Erin Brockovich takes up photography as a hobby (Closer)
Erin Brockovich decides to use her past to cosy up to Hugh grant...much like Liz Hurley did... (Notting Hill)
Erin Brockovich does the whole madonna thing and gets some new kids (stepmom)
Erin Brockovich goes on Holiday (Eat Pray Love)
Erin Brockovich get sick (Steel Magnolias)
Erin Brockovich gets old and dies (Fireflies in the Garden) **terrible movie don't bother watching it**

Yup, pretty sure that other than the actual Erin Brockovich movie, she keeps up the same role, with different issues to overcome.

Tuesday, 9 August 2011

Why I'm going to hell in a fast car...

Here is an account from the theme park as to why I'm off to hell...and surprise, surprise involves my "parenting" abilities...or lack of.
Devil has been on the runaway Croc for at least twenty circuits and decided he, Karma, D and I should go on the runaway train. So D and Karma head to the back of the ride and Devil and I head to the front of the runaway train...

Now the runaway train is quite mild, it has one big (ish) drop, is very fast with lots of tight turns and is a family ride, but a family ride for the older, braver kids and lasts maybe 30 seconds a circuit including the climb.

We go past the first drop and Devil and I scream together and all is fine and dandy...the ride pulls back into the station and Devil turns to me

"I didn't really like it"

I pause for dramatic effect before saying to him... "I'm so sorry goes round twice"

At which point Devil screeches "But I'm not ready yet!!!!!" before clinging into me. I turn my head to D several rows back who asks me how it went and I give him the 'thumbs down' then turn back and put my arms round Devil and say encouraging things to him as well as trying to shelter him from the worst bumps and g-force......while he screams and I try not to laugh out loud.

When we got off though he was totally fine after a matter of seconds announcing he liked it but doesn't want to go on again...
We had an awesome day, I have pictures but they're on D's phone so I guess I'll get them around Christmas...

Saturday, 6 August 2011

Pretty Little Liars

I'm so mad at my cable company right now. I was bored flicking through the TV when I found the 'Pretty Little Liars' season one box-set for free viewing. I remembered seeing the advert of some girl getting words like whore carved into her forehead and figured it looked interesting so I started watching.
Now the show is clearly trying too hard to be "mysterious" and by trying too hard at times it's totally laughable, but all the same I'm, hooked I just want to know who A is and what happened all those nights ago.
So I get to the "end" of season 1 (which is episode 12).... and there was no "cliff-hanger" or reveal. So I started googling Season 2.
This is when I found out that season one actually has 24 episodes, and that my cable company has only put half the series on as "entire series 1." I'm so mad, we don't get the channel for PLL over here so the free box-set was my only chance to see it. Now I'm going to have to buy the actual box set just to see what happens - since I don't want to "read" about it.
Stupid cable company...the last time they did this I only got to watch half of series two of pushing up daisies to discover they'd only put half of the box-set on!! Lazy, stupid, *beeeeping beepers!*
And of course, now I have the theme song stuck on autoloop in my head which is driving D nuts since I keep singing the odd words I can fit to the tune...probably in the wrong order!

Monday, 1 August 2011

True Story

Guess what happened to me on Saturday....

Only with more jumping and screaming....

So clearly I'm traumatized or at least that was what the last slice of cheesecake I ate told me....wha? TRAUMATIZED. What I thought only happened in movies (and at the start of 'Eastwick') actually happened to me, and to D who was sat next to me....but who cares about that. He's a boy and I'm a squeamish shrieking girl. 
I was hopping and jumping while bashing ants off my legs and then proceeded to pretty much strip naked in the middle of the theme park......D stopped me from ripping my trousers off and then chased me down and dragged me away from the peddle-boat lake I attempted jumping into.

All bets are off now, I officially now HATE ants. And I have my suspicions that Captain Black has sent his evil army to get me...