Thursday, 30 December 2010

How I robbed a bank, and got away with it.

So today my TV was making vast attempts at keeping me from leaving the house with it's wild gesticulating and shouts of "hey, hey look we have films you want to see, don't go!" So I spared a thought for those of you who perhaps won't be able to stay a living couch potato, and I figured enough time has passed that I can share my tale of the time I robbed a bank - and got away with it.

Now before I begin let me set the scene of how I misplaced my morality - D had lost 12 jobs in 18 months. We'd just had to leave our home, give away our cat, were in 3k of debt and sleeping on peoples sofas while we 'found our feet.' These are called the dark ages - every relationship has them.
And yet even though we were hitting an absolute low "THE MAN" had not had enough of f*ing with us.

I had left work and gone into MY bank to sort out why they had suddenly slapped a hefty £100 fee on my account for being 4p overdrawn. (wasn't my fault, honestly, a DD took too much money by mistake and then put it back - but the damage had already been done) If you don't know how overdrawn 4p is it's roughly the smallest amount of money in your currency, doubled.
I'd pleaded, begged, threatened and schmoozed my way with the bank manager and he wasn't budging. So I left the bank close to tears unable to possibly ever pay that £100 off as £100 was half my monthly wage. Quite honestly we were screwed and prior to eviction had been living off rice (the only thing I could afford)- every stinking day - which is why I hate boiled rice.

So I'm feeling desperate and clutching the last bit of cash we have - £200 in twenties which I'm on my way to another bank to pay our rent debt with. While I'm stood in the queue I'm debating how screwed we are, how on earth I am going to feed us and how prostitution might just be the way to go - seriously.

I get to the teller and this is what happens;

Me: I'd like to pay 200 into THIS bank account, and can I have a receipt please.
(hands over £200)
Teller: Okay I'll just put that through.

Teller: Here you go *gives me £20 change in two tens*

Conscience: pretty damn sure I didn't have any £10 notes...but wait...did I?

Me: Um..are you sure?

Teller: Yes you gave me too much

Conscience: Maybe the lady before me forgot to pick up all her money

Me: Really?

Teller: Yes you gave me £220

Conscience: When I passed the cash over did he knock £20 loose from his "sorted money" I think he did, but did I see what I think I saw...

Me: Are you sure it's mine?

Conscience: I bet this is a test, sent by God, or candid camera...

Me: *takes money* Thanks

I got out of there fast. As I walked to the glass door grasping the £20 that wasn't mine, my new £20 which meant we could buy food, we could EAT, I could pay some of the bank debt off...
The backing track to my life switched to Muse "Knights of Cydonia"

Conscience: *singing* NO-ONES GONNA TAKE ME ALIVE

I ran on out of the bank and leapt onto the bus home on an adrenaline high. Swearing to God I'd pay it forward and that maybe he could not send my soul to eternal damnation.
I do wonder what sort of trouble the guy serving me got into when his section was down £20 or maybe if he got fired. To this day I'm still quite sure that the money wasn't mine, but there was (and is) enough reasonable doubt and the sheer desperation of my situation had me extending my hand and accepting it. When I got home and told D and my work colleague of my dishonesty it was dubbed and has always been referred to since as my great bank robbery. I haven't set foot back in that bank since...and you know what I learned - I learned that the poor can't afford morals, they're too expensive.

*disclaimer, the art is not mine I only steal cash - not credit :P*

Wednesday, 29 December 2010

Death becomes her

I'm pretty certain I'm fatally ill and going to die soon.
I was sat in the bath earlier looking at my knee when I was all...WTF when did THAT freckle get there? So I rubbed it a bit and nope it's not chocolate sauce (this time) and I definitely haven't had ANY sun exposure in the last twelve months. So I screamed for called D into the bathroom, because of course he will have memorized every square inch of me (in case of some giant accident when they are trying to figure out whose piece of toe it is and he can declare it mine.)
And he informs me "yeah you've had that...maybe two/three months" so I was all "AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME! WHAT KIND OF CANCER SKIN CHECKER ARE YOU!"
So to determine just how long I have left I decided to check the freckles on my other leg only they have changed too, but they look like they are trying to grow a freckle in a freckle, and it's three of them. Now I know I suffered massive leg trauma earlier this year but WTF do they think they are doing?

I'm pretty certain my leg is going to fall off or I've got melanoma. So started asking the google gods some questions like..what is melanoma...what does it look me an image of some melanoma. (Which is like giving a pyro a box of matches.)
Then freaking out I started grabbing D's arm going look - look see that's melanoma and look that's what I've got and he's all "Holly stop waving your leg in front of my xbox game" so I started waving the laptop in front of him instead and told him it was my dying wish that he get off his xbox game and check the picture.
Which D being D he didn't. So I've spent the last hour checking every freckle I can find and comparing it to the gruesome death list and as I said I'm pretty much a goner.

This means I now have to not only visit the dentist I don't have for my phantom teeth pains but also my doctor for potential leg falling-off-age - I just hope this one goes better than my last trip for my "mysterious rib bone lump" which turned out to be...well...more rib.

Did I mention they itch?

Tuesday, 28 December 2010

A Christmas Story

At four in the morning I bounced on the bed,
Narrowly missing D's sleeping head.
"He's been, he's been" I screeched from my lungs,
"Wake up D c'mon let's go have some fun!"

We opened our stockings, mine full to the brim,
of Candy and Chocolate such sugary sin.
D ran downstairs first to turn on tree lights,
I rushed down so eager to see the delights.

But surrounded by gifts, and under the tree,
no cute little puppy was waiting for me.
My steps started to falter, my mouth turning dry,
I was determined that I was not going to cry.

Suddenly a light came on in my head,
Maybe my puppy was coming later instead.
After all 4am is pretty early for puppies,
and it wasn't as if I had asked for a guppy.

So I went through the day on the best of behaviour,
Over the huge Christmas feast I willingly laboured,
Even when my toothache was terrible, I didn't cry out,
I thought of my puppy and just kept my mouth shut.

Come teatime traditionally there's one final gift,
As D left the room, my heart it did skip.
He returned with a package quite small and quite lumpy,
I figured it was a collar or map to my puppy.

I opened the package, and what did I see...
A brand new DESK TIDY staring back up at me.
"This must be a mistake, my puppy where is it?"
D looked at me nervously and started to fidget.

"I thought you were joking, and Santa did too,
that's why there's no puppy here waiting for you.
I know it seems unfair, and you've been really good,
and I'm sure Santa would have brought one if only he could."

My eyes turned to slits, my body to stone,
I told D to go now and leave me alone,
My toothache unbearable would not now be appeased,
and all I can say is I wasn't too pleased.

With a gnashing of teeth and a pulling of hair,
I wailed, I stomped but it got me no-where,
Not getting a puppy wasn't pretty or clever,
which is why this was officially the worst Christmas ever.

Here is the puppy I would have had if D wasn't such an evil supervillan

P.S D has said that while he won't actually buy me a puppy he won't stop me from getting one myself either - RESULT!
Oh and everything else I did get for Christmas was pretty darned awesome...once I'd got over the "puppy" thing, I mean what sort of reaction did he expect when on every gift he'd written "for an animal?" or "is this for the puppy?"

Christmas rewired my brain

I know I promised you my christmas tale but I haven't finished writing it yet plus all some of you many wish to avoid it given it's glum note.

'The Room' is nearly finished and apart from making my hallway into a bomb site while I wait for the bins to be collected so I can refill them, something extraordinary has happened.
I woke this morning in quite a daze, I brushed my teeth, stumbled downstairs, let the cat in and then I have a good hour I CAN'T account for. In which I seem to have cleaned.everything.
Cupboards emptied and resorted, washing done, plates put away, floor swept, a "charity" pile (AKA a pile that's full of less crappy crap and is for charity but they will never receive it as I'll get fed up with seeing the bag and throw it all away)

At some point an alarm went off, or maybe it was the phone ringing, and I suddenly came to my senses looked at the brush I was holding, surveyed the sparkling cupboards and thought "oh heck...did I do all this? Crap."

You may think that having a sparkling kitchen isn't something to feel bad about. You'd be wrong.
Now the rest of my house looks even more 'slumdog millionaire' than it did earlier so now I HAVE to bring the rest up to code. Which makes it 'work'...which means I don't want to do it.

Apparently the Christmas tree has some sort of magical powers, ever since I put it up I've been nicer to D everyone, I've wanted to get back to work and to work hard, I've enjoyed cleaning. If this really is the Christmas tree's influence that sucker is staying up there ALL year!
(which in truth is just another way to avoid having to clear it up again)

Monday, 27 December 2010

Just a quick note

I hope you all had happy and prosperous Christmases, I'll go into mine in more depth tomorrow.
I'm sure you can all imagine how dangerous it is for someone who runs their own on-line business to turn-on a computer when they are on 'holiday.' My "I'll just check my messages" idea left me on-line for 4 hours ON BOXING DAY answering queries and buying this is a very quick one.....honest.
'THE ROOM' is still unfinished and the deadline of 6pm WEDNESDAY is looming. I've made a hole in what was there but it's a suspiciously smaller hole than it was yesterday. Perhaps the cats have been playing Jenga with what boxes are left...that would explain why I could barely open the door this morning.
I'm even more keen to clear the room now as I received a lovely set of purple curtains for Christmas and I want a place to hang them. I am then in slight danger of getting my decorators groove on, however I am also too lazy busy to get involved in too much remodelling.
Unfortunately I just spent the last hour clearing up the mess I made in 'THE ROOM' from retrieving my Christmas decorations (last Thursday) since one of the bags that I really should have replaced eons ago, ripped, sending a cascade of Christmas colours, jingling bells and sharp jagged broken bauble bits all over the carpet. To inspire those of you also harbouring 'THE ROOM' in an old weddingy handbag I unearthed today I discovered... £20 - hell yeah! (thats been hiding there for 3 years!) Maybe I can use that money to bribe hire someone to come clear my ROOM for me!

So I shall see you all again soon with tales of my Christmas nightmare and must dash now before I get distracted that a sale.....*grabs credit card*

Thursday, 23 December 2010

Santa Wrote Me and a merry christmas to you all :)

I received a Christmas message from Santa today via D, and well, lets just say it brightened up my corner of the world :)

Watch it HERE

If any of you are interested in sending these to loved ones or children I'm informed the website is

And just so you know I surrendered to D over the Christmas wars so here is my gorgeous Christmas tree (and even Mr. Grinch had a lump in his throat when he came home to fully decorated house) It just didn't feel like Christmas until the tree went up. (But I'll get him next year!)

I'll see you all again after the big guy in red has visited, happy and safe holidays to you all and thanks for reading :)

Wednesday, 22 December 2010

Ham-pers and the milkman

Today D got THIS rather spiffy hamper from work;

(it pays to work in a meat factory at Christmas)

I have BIG plans for that humongous joint of ham (oh I'm sorry D says apparently it's 'gammon' because ham is cured and gammon is salted and cured...*rolls eyes*)...plans that include seeing which one of us can eat the most ham without dying :)

As D had his hamper we decided it was time to get the milkman's gift sorted. Now the problem we have is that a) we never see mr. milkman and 2) we live on a main road. D has already told me that my plan of leaving his christmas fudge outside alone is just ASKING for a robbery so I came up with a couple of suggestions.

Designing a mini map and then hiding the fudge so well that even the milkman can't find it

Taping the gift to the milk bottles using...yes...electrical tape
I figured a burglar would go "oh no i can't steal it without taking the milk bottles, dammit I'll have to leave it where it is"
Then I realised that this "plan" relied heavily on the burglars being complete morons.

So I have settled for what I believe to be the BEST idea ever....I have placed a christmas card to "the milkman" on the box of fudge and stuck it outside...

The card reads;

To Mr. Milkman,
Merry Christmas and a Happy new year, thanks for delivering our milk for the last year particularly when it was very snowy! Many thanks from # 71.

(P.S Just in Case; Dear thief, how DARE you steal the milkmans christmas present, you SUCK we hope YOU have a terrible christmas!)

I just hope whoever gets the fudge has a sense of humour and that burglars don't egg my house :)

Tuesday, 21 December 2010

Christmas Wars

Hopefully you can remember my rantings about D's Grinch-like Christmas spirit.
Well I am DE-TER-MIN-ED not to cave in first, so we have no tree per-say but I am trying to create something ordinary and everyday but decorated for Christmas.
I got the idea from a romance historical novel where the evil baron wouldn't let his housekeeper have a tree so since she was full of Victorian backchat (yeah right), decorated a tumble weed instead. He fell in love with her blah blah. So far my only idea was to decorate the tv and put the presents under it, but then I realised this would wreck tv viewing, after all flashing multicoloured lights can be soo distracting. So now I'm trying desperately to find something that isn't christmassy to decorate for christmas.....maybe a clothes horse....

Monday, 20 December 2010

Sometimes I think D was abducted by aliens and lobotomised....

I just don't think D gets the whole surprise gifts thing.
One of my best friends has gotten me an unknown item for Christmas, I know it's somewhere between sorta expensive - very expensive.... she's let it drop that it was pre-ordered... the release date and how long ago she ordered it. A different friend of mine who knows what I'm being given has already told me it's pretty much ME so I'm not too worried other than about how much she's spent.
So tonight I had a conversation with D about hypothetically what it might be and worrying that she's maybe gotten me something I already own... when D apparently LOST HIS MIND and googled the information, turned to me and went "it's either this, this or this." The look on my face was I'm sure priceless. My friend is GOING TO KILL HIM. I know just how much hard work and planning she put into this gift and particularly into the KEEPING IT A SURPRISE part....
D quickly(for him) realised his mistake..which is maybe because I was turning the air blue with all my fancy three-swears-in-a-row combos. I pointed out to him that if I had WANTED to know what it was I could have googled it MYSELF.

Ugh this half tempts me to just bring all his gifts through and unwrap them in front of him. Let's just say D is going to be lucky to make it to December 25th if my friend finds out about this and I'm pretty sure Santa is gonna bring me a really BIG puppy now just to spite him.

Sunday, 19 December 2010

Squirrel Sunday!

While I take a break from avoiding 'THE ROOM' I bring to you Foamy's wonderful insight into accident's at home...which is somewhat relevant as I'm sure while sorting out 'THE ROOM' I will have one if not more accidents in my home.

Saturday, 18 December 2010

Quake in fear of THE ROOM

Here is what 'The Room' looks like...

This is our spare room. When we moved into the house a year ago it was where I placed all our old-house-things just in case we needed them for the new house. Over the last year it has also become filled with my surplus second-hand stock, many, many boxes of jiffy bags, things we didn't immediately need and anything that won't fit in the mouse-hole sized loft. Somewhere under there is the dolls house I'm repairing and, unfortunately, our Christmas tree....

This weekend I have to sort out that room. (betcha all glad your not me right now) Somewhere in there are many spiders of varying sizes. You can bet on that.

Here is a time-line of the rooms status
  • January - I filled the room
  • April - I started emptying it believing everything would fit in the loft, then I found out that our loft is only about 2 meters wide and doesn't have a space for anything in it.
  • June - I started moving things, then broke my arm (unrelated) and had to stop
  • Oct- I started clearing again and it didn't last long before I ran away screaming from a big ol' wall spider.

    Now I have no choice, the room has eaten my Christmas decorations and my excuses are running out. I mean, what if Santa refuses to bring me the puppy because of my lack of Christmas decorations!! My future puppy-dom might depend on clearing that clutter!

    I'm planning to be completely ruthless and I'm gonna throw almost everything out, unless it belongs to the business, someone who died (or maybe both 0_o).
    I just hope there isn't a giant spider underneath everything and that all the boxes of books don't avalanche down on top of me.
    Just so we're clear and you have some perspective, I took this picture while stood in the DOORWAY (mainly cause you can't move more that two feet into the room).

    If I never blog again you'll know I met my demise in the spider avalanche. -
    Remember me *sniff*
  • Friday, 17 December 2010

    How to avoid a Jehovah's Witness (Pt 3)

    Today they knocked back on my door again, it's been about 5 weeks since the last time so I'd totally forgotten to panic, and because of the sheer amount of time since they last called I managed to blag that "yes, I'd read their cult membership pamphlet and no I don't remember what it said because it was so long ago hehe. I then explained to her that I'd had time to think (hehe) and was happy staying where I was and the cold weather meant she didn't want to stay stood on my doorstep too long. (thanks big-guy-up-there)
    In fact it was just a little too easy to shoo them away this time - which is probably because the older lady wasn't with them - she had tenacious written all over her.

    Now I know the number of JW's I've met is very small but why on earth is it each one of them that comes to my door is very attractive? The guy she brought with her today was a total hunk (sorry D) and that nearly persuaded me to let them come inside...if it wasn't for the fact it was 11am, my hair was stuck on end and I was still wearing my PJ's with one of D's jumpers thrown on top...yeah I'm sexy...

    Do they only use the attractive ones to get you to join their cult religion so when you turn up you think YAY, now I'm going to be a bombshell, you walk into the room and that's when you see everyone else there looks just. like. you. the cage door slams shut and wham they've gotcha!

    On another note D rang purely to show me he's not just stupid in real life but also on the phone too...(i mean if he hadn't told me I'd never have known)
    D: Did you manage to get up at 7am?
    Me: No, because you didn't re-set my alarm after you'd got up
    D: Oh well I called up the stairs when I was leaving
    Me: Oh gee, that's so fool-proof what with me being ASLEEP and all I'm just going to subconsciously roll over and set my alarm clock aren't I
    D: Were you up in time?
    Me: *silence*
    D: Can I still use your alarm clock tonight?
    Me: What do you think?

    Thursday, 16 December 2010

    Gifting and why D sucks at it.

    Last night D and I were sat in bed when I (so excited about christmas) asked him what the worst present I could get him would be:

    D: .......Mudguards
    Me: Wha?? Why?
    D: Because I said I wanted them two months ago and getting me something like that for Christmas would suck
    Me: Hang on so your saying that getting you something you'd previously expressed a desire for would be a bad gift?
    D: Well.. I...
    Me: Uh-oh Your not going to like ANYTHING I've gotten you.
    D: Well I mean...
    Me: I'm gonna take them alll back tomorrow..
    D: Wait..I..
    Me: Except the mudguards...were keeping those..

    *time passes*

    D: *muttering* The worst gift we could get is a puppy
    Me: Shut-up Santa can HEAR you!
    D: *silence*
    Me: *whispering* Dear Santa, please still bring me a puppy, lot's of love Holly

    D's just a big old puppy hater.

    Wednesday, 15 December 2010

    The mind is no longer willing and the flesh is still weak

    My house is a bomb-site at the moment. It actually looks like we've been raided for drugs. That, or been host to the elves Christmas party.
    And the worst thing is I have no time to sort it out.
    In running my own business I was fully aware that it's "time consuming" and "difficult" but what no-one, NO-ONE told me was that every other person on this planet wouldn't realise that it is "time-consuming" or "difficult." D and I constantly get into arguments debates about how not doing everything all the time is just "one of the five excuses" damn him and his training course - he's so lucky I haven't cracked him over the head with a frying pan yet.
    So I spend a large portion of my time with D, teeth gritted saying "yes but you have departments at work to handle things so each person has their own responsibilities and goes into great detail because that is what they are paid for.
    I on the other hand am the customer service rep, I'm the purchasing and pricing departments, I do the listing on four pieces of software and post every item myself. I'm the accountant and the project improvement manager, both the boss, code-monkey and lackey....AND I'M VERY BUSY! /RANT
    Most interestingly while spouting his "wisdom" he never once offers assistance with the housework, cooking dinner or packaging my sales.
    D attempts to help simply keeps sprouting off "advice" such as - you should analyse each individual sale, not filling the report in because you don't have time is just an excuse and my all time favourite "Holly there should only be one voice in the room" to which my usual response is "Well shut up then."

    I know this extra stress is only because I'm juggling work, home and the humdinger of Christmas (which makes both of the above harder to do) and that once January hits everything will be sorted. But for now I am sick of stepping over unwrapped gifts, tripping over boxes of shipping materials, having an empty fridge, opening the door to the delivery guy looking like I recently hit a wall at high velocity and working 18 hour days....

    I'd best be getting a puppy for Christmas or there's gonna be a boxing day massacre.

    Tuesday, 14 December 2010

    Advertising: the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.

    We were sat on the sofa last night when the new advert for Christmas red & green M&M's came on TV. I quickly grabbed my newly purchased box of red and green M&M's and started waving it in the air shouting "Advertising WORKS!!!" To which D sprayed his drink out of his nose while laughing (it's becoming quite the party trick for him.)

    Yes I brought the new M&M's because I'm suggestible to anything Santa endorses. Did I hear you ask how they taste?? Well it turns out red and green M&M's are the worst ones in the pack. It's like eating gritty chocolate. I don't know if that's the strategy, to make them more festive-like they've gone and added ground up sawdust from santa's workshop into the mix but that's exactly what the m&m's taste like. They don't advertise that on TV. No wonder Santa has a heart attack at the end of the advert.

    P.P.S You all know I'm still gonna eat them anyway

    Monday, 13 December 2010

    If it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck and acts like a duck.. it’s probably a duck

    I tried my First-Ever duck in pancakes with Hoi sin sauce on Friday and my, my it is ambrosia. Surely this is what all the Ancient Greek texts speak of surely my life-long search is finally over.
    I even had some left so gave D the oh-so-important task of putting it in the fridge for me to eat later...
    Next morning I discovered to my horror that D had, in his drunken state, placed my precious elixir of the gods in the trash. I spent all day moping about the house complaining about how I had plans for that leftover duck BIG PLANS! From my incessant whining and because he's just a big fat enabler, D then ordered me more Duck with pancakes in Hoi Sin Sauce. This time he ordered me DOUBLE pancakes and DOUBLE sauce. (Yay!) I gorged myself on the exquisite supper and then placed the remainders in the fridge (having learnt that D cannot be trusted with such a massive responsibility.) Sunday morning I then reheated the meal and gorged myself again while grinning like a mad thing and growling tutting at D whenever he tried to steal any. So this is three days now that I have had the same meal...three.
    I woke up in the middle of the night with the tummy pains of doom (maybe my digestive system isn't set up for too much godly nectar, me being a mere mortal and all) and suffered my way through the night. This morning however I was craving some more duck but sadly I have eaten it all and even the cats have licked the bones from out of the bin clean so there aren't even scraps left.
    I haven't learned my lesson...if it was up to me I'd have eaten this meal all week long stomach ache or no stomach ache. That's the problem - when I discover new foods I get addicted oh so easily until uh-oh hospital admittance time, it doesn't help that D has less willpower than me. Even lab rats learn faster than I do when it comes to food.

    Sunday, 12 December 2010

    Why I Love a Squirrel or Why Foamy is King

    As today is officially the first of my squirrel Sunday's. I've decided to share with you my favourite little cartoon dude and his outlook on life. I have loved Foamy and his mind control wisdom for six years now and it's only fair I spread the word as he would demand want me to. Foamy has had me laughing through his "suicide songs", crying from his "most dangerous things in the home," given me dieting advice with his views on Atkins and I've followed his cream cheese and bagel obsession with keen interest. So I introduce to you, who may not have seen him before...FOAMY one cool opinionated little squirrel dude.

    Saturday, 11 December 2010

    My Everest!

    Last night D went to his work Christmas do - and I wasn't invited *sulk* so instead of a "quiet evening in with some Chinese" it became a noisy night in with my BFF and a rather large and expensive bottle of wine. A rather large and expensive bottle of wine that neither of us could open. So wanting to be an excellent host I nominated myself to go on a trek round the corner to my dads bottle opening capabilities. Easy right?

    So I left the house, bottle in hand with my BFF ordering take-out and being accosted by my cats. I stepped onto the pavement and near fell on my ass - right then I could have turned back but no I was too stupid determined to persevere. So I'm slipping and sliding my way down the path clinging to hedges - bottle in one hand when it suddenly dawned on me that when if I fell I was going to drop the bottle and then land in a pile of smashed up glass - great.
    So my "please don't fall, please don't fall" mantra began. I edged round the corner near losing my footing "please don't fall" crossed the road while walking on sheer ice "please don't fall" edged my way down the path and then WHAM right there across the entire path were wheelie bins.
    SIX WHEELIE BINS. (this is about the time I began to berate myself for being so stupid as to come out) These bins totally blocked off the route forcing me back onto the skating rink of a road. Clinging to the bins with one hand - bottle in the other - I slipped and slid my way back onto the road and then back onto the path - phew - clear running now as my dad had shovelled a pathway to his drive. I got the job done and was ready to return home with the newly opened bottle of wine and suddenly thought Oh Shit I'd only JUST made it last time and now I had to go back the other way (which seemed like miles) with a now open bottle of wine across death road and to make it better there was no longer any real light to see by. I will admit I did whimper and have a fleeting thought of just going back to my parents and calling my friend to say I wouldn't be coming back but NO I could do this I was on an important mission!
    So my mantra began again "please don't fall...oh god...please don't let me fall" as I moved like a dog on a freshly waxed floor. Just past the wheelie bins of doom (which as soon as I'd passed fell over) I began to think that maybe - just maybe I'd make it back okay, maybe just maybe I wouldn't break anything...then the "jinxing fear" struck me and my mantra began again. Scrabbling around it truly was every woman for themselves I even skated in front of oncoming traffic when my part of the ice walk I was stood on collapsed.

    I realise now that I looked like a crazy drunk; legs sliding all over, muttering to myself while brandishing a bottle of wine.

    After twenty minutes (for a 2 minute journey) I arrived home safely there were fan-fares, confetti and welcoming committees - okay,okay so maybe it was just my friend and a glass of wine but I had done it. I conquered my Everest my slippery, bin laden, wine filled Everest.

    Just so you can all know how bad it was here is photographic evidence of the route I took;

    Friday, 10 December 2010

    Unveiling ...THE MEGATRON!

    Here is my evil creation.
    My beautiful amazing Megatron. I got the idea from Peep Show a while back but sadly we only had two remotes and a megatron sounded pretty darned stupid if it was just two of them.
    But BARB see earlier post came through for me today turning up to install his box (albeit unannounced and while I was in my pjs). When he was done he presented me with a beautiful new remote control which has MY name on it and I think he was a little freaked out by my grin. Five minutes after I'd kicked him out shut the door I'd created THIS!

    When Dom got home I paraded the Megatron around for him to see - he seemed to admire my handiwork as he turned to me and said "You're Special"
    I asked did he mean I was one in a million special or that I'm "SPECIAL" and need to start wearing a bike helmet and water-wings. He just gave me that "you know which I mean" look and went back to what he was doing - pfft he's just jealous of my genius and talented artistry with electrical tape.

    Thursday, 9 December 2010

    Evil Holly Judges You!

    I've recently taken to turning to D on an evening when he does something stupid and saying I judge YOU! while pointing at him a la evil monkey style.

    I do this as it usually causes cola or hot coffee to squirt out his nose and that sort of thing amuses me.

    So today I decided to try amuse myself by judging random morons people on the bus while we sat gridlocked in traffic.

    So it became the turn of 40-something mid-life-crisis balding man who'd decided to park his shiny black undercover cop looking car in the hospital bus lane. Even more interestingly Mr. Moron had parked right outside the sexual health clinic/morgue (okay so it's not one unit but it might as well be hidden behind the hospital and all) So I created the mind-story of how his mistress had given him and STD, he'd given it to his wife, she had thrown him out. So wanting revenge he had then strangled his mistress - which was why he might be there under police custody being tested for STDs and identifying a dead body at the same time. - Yeah I make stuff up when I'm bored, games, stories, conversations I've had with D etc. - So as Mr. Moron got back in his shiny black car I glared at him with my face all pressed up against the window of the bus slowly mouthing "I Judge You." It definitely freaked him out since he almost ran someone over in his attempts to get away.

    Some of the journey was good though the cool cowboy driver (who I natter to) at one point in the journey had to mount the kerb and it's 3ft of snow to get past some of Mr. Morons cousins siblings. The whole bus was at a 45 degree angle - he just shouted the words "Hold on to something this is gonna be a rough ride" which got my adrenaline going as my mind went to some sci-fi show where they have to speed through some explosive roadblock at a dangerous angle to escape. It took every ounce of self control I had not to shout out YEE-HAW! in front of everyone.
    Stunt trick survived we then got back to admiring the scenery, one house had a HUMONGOUS icicle hanging from the roof all the way to bottom of the ground floor window. - Must Remember Camera To Take Picture - It looked like a jousting pole which has now made me a little nervous about the icicles hanging above my own front door and how no doubt my name is on one of them.
    A delightful old lady was sat near me on the bus rating (to no-one in particular but I like to think we had a bond) which icicles were likely to kill people when they fall.
    I now have this whole final destination image in my head of being garrotted and it ain't pretty.
    Up till then I'd be thinking of how christmassy the house looked with all the icicles hanging off it, now I realise the reason my front door sticks is because my house is trying to kill me...if the icicles don't get me no doubt the weight of snow on the roof will cause it to fall on my head...or the bath will fall through the floor with me in it. But that's a worry for another day.

    Wednesday, 8 December 2010

    Tribal Gatherings and Inconsistencies

    One of the cable channels is currently showing Series 1 of The Tribe. Firstly let me say I'm enjoying the post apocalyptic storyline particularly as it doesn't contain any zombies! I've sat through the first few episodes and can't help notice how inconsistent it is.
    The most glaring inconsistency is that when one of the little girls goes missing there is a massive hunt the entire tribe goes looking for her and is incredibly worried until days later they finally find her.
    A little bit later the younger deaf boy goes missing and NO ONE CARES. There are some mumblings of maybe searching for him but no-one does, even his kid sister seems unaffected that he's gone. There is some hint that maybe he ran away after a fictional fight with an older boy but its only mentioned briefly. Occasionally the script writers will remember and suddenly write "I hope Paul is okay wherever he is" into random dialogue or, "is this about Paul" whenever someone cries.
    My theory is at a) in post apocalyptic times the deaf little boy was too much of a liability and everyone is glad he's gone - scriptwriters included or b) they were being funded for having a deaf boy, funding was cut, so they bumped him off.

    Other inconsistencies include when one chicken gets killed and eaten leaving them with ONE chicken left the rest of the following episodes show two chickens left.
    They all fall in and out of love like school kids - well I guess they are
    They also seem to only need flour to make bread..what kind of crazy bread is that then!
    And the first time they made bread clearly no scriptwriter had ever had the stuff before since they had everyone eating "Selane's Bread" out of bowls with spoons... If that is all fact-checkers do I'd make an awesome fact-checker!!

    Scriptwriter: We need some information of trees
    Me as a Factchecker: (playing on the ds) hmm what oh yeah I've seen trees before they are fluffy white and float on water
    Scriptwriter: Thanks now our show will be truly awesome
    (I assume this is how a town called eureka was created)

    I don't understand why the tribe never created any defences other than a half-hearted attempt at an alarm and a camera I'd have turned the place into a fortress first chance I got and they wonder why they get raided....morons.

    Tuesday, 7 December 2010

    Zombie Hater

    I am terrified of Zombies have been ever since I was eleven and my brother convinced me dawn of the dead was a certificate 12 film. I was okay until they starting ripping peoples guts out then all I remember is running home to my mums house at 11pm terrified...not sleeping for two days and then being accidentally locked in a school by the cleaner and having a fit that the zombies were coming to get me (way to go bro). I. AM. TERRIFIED. I started crying hysterically half way through Shaun of the Dead (which D had coaxed me into watching) even my friends know to turn anything like that off when I come to visit including video games. I don't have a "funny reaction" I just freeze up and then absolutely lose it and D usually ends up carrying me out of the room and trying to calm my hysteria down.
    You may think I'm daft but my brother convinced me SO effectively that zombies could exist that I really am terrified that they will one day rise up and eat me. I've taken survival quizzes I know I have no chance. That zombie isn't going to leave me alone just cause I'm screaming sobbing and wetting sireee no chance whatsoever. We have an action plan and I do sometimes drill Dom to check he remembers it and I do stockpile some foods but I know I won't live through the first twenty minutes of the outbreak let alone the first day.

    Anyways I've seen the advert for "The Walking Dead" on FX and being a huge fallout fan I thought it looked kinda cool (deserted towns etc.) and its been given great ratings so I decided that we HAD to watch it. I knew there were zombies in it but I figured I'm a big girl now yeah right I can sit through the tv program - in no way will it have the same effects as watching I am loser Legend in the cinema when the zombie freaks suddenly popped up *shudder* and I didn't know the film had them.
    So I've managed to convince D that this won't be another fiasco...I put it on and well I *think* we got about five minutes in before some zombie had hacked its own arm off and was eating it...I almost broke the tv trying to get the footage to go away *shudder* So in short I AM ZOMBIE MEAT which terrifies me but I suppose there comes a time when we all have to just accept how we're going to die.

    P.s. the most terrifying thing...the idea of Zombie D. Can't think about it....will give me nightmares...*rocks*

    Monday, 6 December 2010

    Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.

    Well I braved the storm and brought my cats some food, cause I don't want to be lunch am awesome like that. Now I know its the cheapest most economical brand but they are so ungrateful. Twice I have come downstairs now to find them chowing down on leftover pizza or stew. Why they can't just eat the egg stench food I don't know. They won't even try the biscuits. Instead they are running around the house growling at each other.
    I really thought Dogs were the scavengers and cats were the hunters - why aren't they killing and eating the spiders in the house for sustenance rather than icky leftovers raiding?
    Guess this teaches me for throwing in the bin releasing into the wild, all the birds, mice, voles and assorted eggs they brought to me over the summer - guess they were just stockpiling.

    Saturday, 4 December 2010

    Unexpect the Expected

    Yesterday while walking home we encountered a man coming down the pathway on skis. Now I know this is quite acceptable and probably a regular occurrence somewhere like Switzerland but he was wearing skis, SKIS!. We do have an awful lot of snow at the moment (hip deep in places) but still the sight of a man coming towards me on skis damn near knocked me on my ass in surprise - and I'd been doing so well at keeping my footing until then.

    I am slightly jealous and wondering which store I could possibly go to, to get some skis and follow him down the hills - what an awesome idea.
    I suppose this store is now out of the question...

    This really could only happen in my town - a foremost steel crafting town - clearly top quality as the local supermarkets roof has collapsed under the snow fall - well done guys you deserve a raise and maybe a shiny trophy too.
    Where am I gonna buy my chocolate, cheese and cat food now?

    Friday, 3 December 2010

    Your a mean one Mr. Grinch

    Every year around this time D and I have a colossal falling out and we never know why - we always spend most of December arguing it away...but now we think we have finally found the reason.
    D is a big ol' Scroogy Grinch.

    Every Christmas I get so excited; I bake, I cook, I decorate, and he just sits there and grunts. I try twice as hard to make things christmassy for him and nada-nothing. I ask him to help and he just gets even moodier. "I don't care if the presents are under a tree or in the cupboard"
    He is a proper Grinch.

    But he says he likes the getting his presents part (I normally have to hold him at gunpoint to wrap MY gifts and he always leaves MY shopping till the absolute last minute when everything has pretty much sold out)
    He doesn't get excited by the tree or Christmas cookies and says he doesn't care what we eat as long as its "okay" (oatmeal for him it is then,) by the time Christmas is anywhere near he has depressed me so much I become a miserable lump.

    In hopes of convincing him of his errant ways I told him all it takes is a cuddle by the christmas tree, putting the lights up with me and maybe hanging some mistletoe somewhere mischievous (at this point I had to hit him Very Hard on his back due to his fit of laughter) ain't gonna change...maybe I'll just abandon the christmas tree and decorations this year, if he doesn't care then I'll just put them in my room instead...we'll see how much he cares when santa only delivers to the room with the christmas tree in it!

    Thursday, 2 December 2010

    The garden told me to feed it a I did.

    This may explain why Evie and I don't get on anymore...

    I did take another cat out and abandoned him in the snow (calm down it was three feet from my front door) and all he did was sit and meow at me to come get him, he didn't even try to move we nudged him, bribed him with food, toys, everything (while ready with the camera for some hilarious jumping cat snowdrift shots) but he just sat there yowing until i picked him up and trudged us back inside - he's such a wuss. I'd like to add that said cat now thinks im a hero for rescuing him and is fussy as anything, he seems to have forgotten though that I'm the one who ditched him in the first place.

    If anyone reads this get help.....

    Well we are snowed in. In the last four days we now have more than 15 inches of snow...and we are almost out of cat food. (This is unusual for our country)
    I've been rationing the cat food ever since the town stopped buses from running and now that lorries can't get through to make deliveries...but we are running out fast. As I write this to you i am surrounded by cats all of them staring at me, licking their lips.....this morning one tried to "hilariously" trip me down the stairs....more are trying to burrow through the shut of them has been methodically licking my hand and then nibbling it!!!! Please if you read me...I don't want someone to come along and dig my house out in three months to find me half eaten with the cats prowling round me... and so far my attempts to feed them scraps and leftover stew are going unsuccessfully.

    Now one of them is reading over my shoulder I had better

    Wednesday, 1 December 2010

    Merry Christmas From Chiron Beta Prime

    Merry getting ready for Christmas :)


    We actually got the kinect FINALLY I had to trapse across the town take three buses and two hours but it's mine :)

    The woman informed me that they'd sold out gutted so it was a great thing I'd reserved mine the day before woohoo for electronic online ordering!

    I was a little bit gutted when I got to the till and there was no confetti as they fetched me my item, no fan fares no cheering or parades. Just a giant robotic dog who barked at me as I collected my item 0_o.

    While queuing for the item some older guy (big fellow) pushed up right against my I looked at him and stepped forward. Next thing I know he's pressed up against my back again, I stared at him he glared at me like he was a psycho and so I again shuffled forward. All I could think was oh great I have a crazy person behind me and nowhere in the line to run to....even the cashiers and other people in the line were watching concernedly. The next thing I know the guy uses my name....I turned to him and (okay this is when I realised i knew the freak guy and that he had only being trying to wierd me out - it's a guy I've been avoiding haven't seen in about three years due to his persistent pursual of me in my old local.) we had a bit of a quick conversation ending in me loudly assuring the furtively looking cashiers and staff that I did know Mr. Creepo.
    At any rate...don't think I'll be going back there again any time soon...