Thursday, 9 December 2010

Evil Holly Judges You!

I've recently taken to turning to D on an evening when he does something stupid and saying I judge YOU! while pointing at him a la evil monkey style.

I do this as it usually causes cola or hot coffee to squirt out his nose and that sort of thing amuses me.

So today I decided to try amuse myself by judging random morons people on the bus while we sat gridlocked in traffic.

So it became the turn of 40-something mid-life-crisis balding man who'd decided to park his shiny black undercover cop looking car in the hospital bus lane. Even more interestingly Mr. Moron had parked right outside the sexual health clinic/morgue (okay so it's not one unit but it might as well be hidden behind the hospital and all) So I created the mind-story of how his mistress had given him and STD, he'd given it to his wife, she had thrown him out. So wanting revenge he had then strangled his mistress - which was why he might be there under police custody being tested for STDs and identifying a dead body at the same time. - Yeah I make stuff up when I'm bored, games, stories, conversations I've had with D etc. - So as Mr. Moron got back in his shiny black car I glared at him with my face all pressed up against the window of the bus slowly mouthing "I Judge You." It definitely freaked him out since he almost ran someone over in his attempts to get away.

Some of the journey was good though the cool cowboy driver (who I natter to) at one point in the journey had to mount the kerb and it's 3ft of snow to get past some of Mr. Morons cousins siblings. The whole bus was at a 45 degree angle - he just shouted the words "Hold on to something this is gonna be a rough ride" which got my adrenaline going as my mind went to some sci-fi show where they have to speed through some explosive roadblock at a dangerous angle to escape. It took every ounce of self control I had not to shout out YEE-HAW! in front of everyone.
Stunt trick survived we then got back to admiring the scenery, one house had a HUMONGOUS icicle hanging from the roof all the way to bottom of the ground floor window. - Must Remember Camera To Take Picture - It looked like a jousting pole which has now made me a little nervous about the icicles hanging above my own front door and how no doubt my name is on one of them.
A delightful old lady was sat near me on the bus rating (to no-one in particular but I like to think we had a bond) which icicles were likely to kill people when they fall.
I now have this whole final destination image in my head of being garrotted and it ain't pretty.
Up till then I'd be thinking of how christmassy the house looked with all the icicles hanging off it, now I realise the reason my front door sticks is because my house is trying to kill me...if the icicles don't get me no doubt the weight of snow on the roof will cause it to fall on my head...or the bath will fall through the floor with me in it. But that's a worry for another day.


  1. I swear, it's like reading a blog about me, only not written by me!
    We always make up stories about other people ... in restaurants, in libraries, while driving, whatever. Usually it will start out all innocent, and then BAM! it turns ugly and we're trying to figure out how he/she is going to die.

    You get two gold stars for not yelling out a big ol' Yee-Haw! I admire your restraint :)

    Loving the old lady! She's right though ... icicles are nature's innocent-looking, lull-you-into-complacency death weapon. Just saying, nature is not always our friend.

    *takes notes on appropriate use of "I judge you" for use later this evening*

  2. If there had been less people on the bus I would have screamed it...and I wanted to applaud once he'd touched down again. The bus was full of grinning grannies so obviously they were all as excited as I was. I know exactly what you mean your "lied to my horse" post reminded me so much of when I lie to my cats or my friends children or just the kind of things I tend to come out with - particularly the "I want a goat" although mine is more *give me that darned puppy you puppy promise breaker!* I'm not leaving the house now until the icicles melt ... or D buys me a hard hat.

  3. If I were killed by an icicle I would want it written up more creatively in my obituary. Something like "Laura was stabbed by God and winter."

  4. I want my tombstone to either read "Smited" or "Buried Alive"

  5. Just reporting back ...
    Randomly spouting "I judge you" seems to make complete strangers uncomfortable, but only makes my spouse laugh really hard. There was even an instance of drink spiting laughter immediately following an appropriately timed "I judge you."

    You're so my hero for inventing this!