Wednesday, 29 December 2010

Death becomes her

I'm pretty certain I'm fatally ill and going to die soon.
I was sat in the bath earlier looking at my knee when I was all...WTF when did THAT freckle get there? So I rubbed it a bit and nope it's not chocolate sauce (this time) and I definitely haven't had ANY sun exposure in the last twelve months. So I screamed for called D into the bathroom, because of course he will have memorized every square inch of me (in case of some giant accident when they are trying to figure out whose piece of toe it is and he can declare it mine.)
And he informs me "yeah you've had that...maybe two/three months" so I was all "AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME! WHAT KIND OF CANCER SKIN CHECKER ARE YOU!"
So to determine just how long I have left I decided to check the freckles on my other leg only they have changed too, but they look like they are trying to grow a freckle in a freckle, and it's three of them. Now I know I suffered massive leg trauma earlier this year but WTF do they think they are doing?

I'm pretty certain my leg is going to fall off or I've got melanoma. So started asking the google gods some questions like..what is melanoma...what does it look me an image of some melanoma. (Which is like giving a pyro a box of matches.)
Then freaking out I started grabbing D's arm going look - look see that's melanoma and look that's what I've got and he's all "Holly stop waving your leg in front of my xbox game" so I started waving the laptop in front of him instead and told him it was my dying wish that he get off his xbox game and check the picture.
Which D being D he didn't. So I've spent the last hour checking every freckle I can find and comparing it to the gruesome death list and as I said I'm pretty much a goner.

This means I now have to not only visit the dentist I don't have for my phantom teeth pains but also my doctor for potential leg falling-off-age - I just hope this one goes better than my last trip for my "mysterious rib bone lump" which turned out to be...well...more rib.

Did I mention they itch?


  1. Don't be too freaked out -- I did the same thing a few years back and drove my doc CRAZY with my "Is that cancer? How about that one? This one? This one's cancer, right?" She finally did take 2 little moles off to have them biopsied... oddly enough, they WEREN'T the ones I was worried about, so she may have been fucking with me.

  2. That's the thing there are no good guides out there for this stuff, my grandma had one removed that was bad and I'm very fair skinned and burn so easily its a worry. I said to D we should invent a pee on a stick test that turns blue if you have cancer and is pink if your fine. That would SAVE.LIVES.

  3. I'm fairly certain that puppies cure [and prevent] melanoma. Just saying.

    I'm impressed with the cancer stick test. No seriously, I am! Needs a better name though :)