Saturday, 11 December 2010

My Everest!

Last night D went to his work Christmas do - and I wasn't invited *sulk* so instead of a "quiet evening in with some Chinese" it became a noisy night in with my BFF and a rather large and expensive bottle of wine. A rather large and expensive bottle of wine that neither of us could open. So wanting to be an excellent host I nominated myself to go on a trek round the corner to my dads bottle opening capabilities. Easy right?

So I left the house, bottle in hand with my BFF ordering take-out and being accosted by my cats. I stepped onto the pavement and near fell on my ass - right then I could have turned back but no I was too stupid determined to persevere. So I'm slipping and sliding my way down the path clinging to hedges - bottle in one hand when it suddenly dawned on me that when if I fell I was going to drop the bottle and then land in a pile of smashed up glass - great.
So my "please don't fall, please don't fall" mantra began. I edged round the corner near losing my footing "please don't fall" crossed the road while walking on sheer ice "please don't fall" edged my way down the path and then WHAM right there across the entire path were wheelie bins.
SIX WHEELIE BINS. (this is about the time I began to berate myself for being so stupid as to come out) These bins totally blocked off the route forcing me back onto the skating rink of a road. Clinging to the bins with one hand - bottle in the other - I slipped and slid my way back onto the road and then back onto the path - phew - clear running now as my dad had shovelled a pathway to his drive. I got the job done and was ready to return home with the newly opened bottle of wine and suddenly thought Oh Shit I'd only JUST made it last time and now I had to go back the other way (which seemed like miles) with a now open bottle of wine across death road and to make it better there was no longer any real light to see by. I will admit I did whimper and have a fleeting thought of just going back to my parents and calling my friend to say I wouldn't be coming back but NO I could do this I was on an important mission!
So my mantra began again "please don't fall...oh god...please don't let me fall" as I moved like a dog on a freshly waxed floor. Just past the wheelie bins of doom (which as soon as I'd passed fell over) I began to think that maybe - just maybe I'd make it back okay, maybe just maybe I wouldn't break anything...then the "jinxing fear" struck me and my mantra began again. Scrabbling around it truly was every woman for themselves I even skated in front of oncoming traffic when my part of the ice walk I was stood on collapsed.

I realise now that I looked like a crazy drunk; legs sliding all over, muttering to myself while brandishing a bottle of wine.

After twenty minutes (for a 2 minute journey) I arrived home safely there were fan-fares, confetti and welcoming committees - okay,okay so maybe it was just my friend and a glass of wine but I had done it. I conquered my Everest my slippery, bin laden, wine filled Everest.

Just so you can all know how bad it was here is photographic evidence of the route I took;


  1. Oh my God, I always walk like a constipated weordo when treading on ice or snow. Luckily it rarely snows or freezes here.

  2. *weirdo.... damn I really need to start looking for typos...

  3. When I began walking I'd sauntered along in my snow boots believing nothing could hurt me...then I started to slide along, turns out snow boots suck on ice. This is stupid now it's caused 300 people to break limbs in our town in the last week alone!! Thankfully I broke my arm in July so I should be in the clear from being a statistic :)