Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Lost in Translation

You may recall my previous run-in with the neighbours I share a drive with.
Last night the son knocked on my door to have a conversation with me from his dad, and everything went wrong from there, due to a language break-down I was about ready to declare war.
This takes place in my front yard, with the son from next door while the Father glares at me from his car.
Neighbour: "My English is not so good so I'll try explain. My dad would like to pleasurable you."

*Whaa - huh? Okay I am just going to smile and assume he's gotten the word wrong.*
Neighbour: "The cat sheets in the garden, the garden full of sheet. Sheet, sheet, more sheet. "

*Here a sheet there a sheet everywhere a sheet sheet*

Neighbour: "We spend much money on plants but they are decimated"

*Hey...you know "decimated" but tell me he wants to "pleasurable" me, what's that about?*

Neighbour: "My father wants put down the um ...um...um...thing i show you before.

Me: "The slug pellets?"

Neighbour: "Yes he want's to do that to stop it."

Me: Okay, well I'm really sorry they are going to the toilet in your garden, we have a litter tray in the house, which the boy uses, we have dug up part of the back garden to encourage them to use it themselves but one of my girls just goes where she wants, in the wood, garden, box it's just how they are she just uses the toilet where she likes, there's not a lot I can do. I am sorry she's going in your garden though.

Neighbour: "We are going to put this stuff down so I tell you so you can get them in"

Me: "Um...okay I'll get them in, I can't say it'll be immediate but I'll call them home."

So I go back inside and it suddenly occurs to me that they are going to use slug POISON to stop my cats toileting in their yard.....and suddenly..I'm angry.

D comes home and tells me to go back round and explain it won't stop them it will just make them sick, he tells me to go sort it out calmly.
I tell him I'm going to go round and tell them they should move and that if they kill my cats I will kill them, starting with the youngest first.
D tells me to stop being irrational and stupid. I tell D if the cats die it's his fault and I'll kill him too.

The neighbours had gone out so before I started burning bits of their house D suggested we went to the garden centre to buy "cat off" repellent which is harmless to pets but then we are extending the hand of friendship yadda yadda.
So we walk to the garden centre, for the whole hour journey I rant about the situation while D gives me "sideways" looks and tells me I'm irrational.

Two hours later we are returning home with the "cat off" and I knock on the neighbours door....

ME: "Hi, we talked earlier about the cats, the slug pellets won't stop them toileting in your garden (see I don't swear at you) they'll just make them sick, so we brought you this, the instructions are on the back but if you spread that over the soil it will put them off."

Neighbour: "Oh...no I meant the SLUGS are killing the plants and because your cat go in my garden it get sick from slug pellets so I warn you I'm using them."

Me: "oh...okay... bye"
(so i was ready to start a war over a miscommunication...)

D : "Wow they were sooooo rude, I can't believe you managed to stay calm, I see now just how unreasonable they were and why you were so mad...." *stares at me in that patronising way*

Me: *punches D's arm* "Oh shut up!"


  1. Ha! This is why I spend a whole bunch of my life trying to talk myself into believing that people aren't as mean as I think they are. Because once it a while, they aren't.

    Glad you didn't burn down their house.

  2. Wars have been started for less.

  3. Bahaha, so funny!
    You got yourself a new follower!