The Aluminium Foiled My Plans

Sick as a dog

2012-02-28T17:07:00.001Z

I'm hurling my guts up at the moment. I'll be back when the curses fade or the bribes work. Or I take my own life to just stop.the.hurling

Signage

2012-02-21T14:58:00.001Z

I'm pretty sure the only reason these are located together is that to obtain one, you must first shred your hand.

How very ancient Egyptian booby trap of the national rail service

I ordered a PIZZA you ******!

2012-02-16T21:18:00.000Z

Viva Pizza - Only order from them if you want to receive a completely different meal to the one you ordered, and then to get argued at down the phone that his mistake is actually yours for not originally ordering what he sent you.

It's hard to write the ha-ha's when you have the boo-hoo's

2012-02-15T07:45:00.000Z

I have the boo-hoo's.
I feel rusty, and broken.
Since I got unbelievably sick in November (which I'm still recovering from) I've been having so many aches and pains it makes it difficult to work, live, be normal and blog.
Do I want to whine about my pain? No....Well, okay yes but I only want to whine at D, because whining is a sport where I obtain points for how red-faced and vein popping-outty he gets.
One day I really think I can make his head explode.
Awesome.

All my positive outlooks are now becoming fatalistic. Sure it's a nice day today but just you just wait until tomorrow.
I'd just pulled myself out of this funk last week (and finally returned to work) when I then fell down the stairs.
Funk returned with a vengeance.
And the stupid doctors put me on a new medication, which by their admission I don't really need 'but it's worth trying to see if it makes me better', and all that stuff has done is messed me up and made me really poorly again.

The world is lucky that I don't have access to missiles or a zombie army as with all the pain and PMT I'm having, I'd have probably launched them by now.
(Did I really just say that on the internet?)

So when I look at the shiny new thank-god-we're-alive world around me. I don't see unicorns and rainbows. I see ... well.. snow, but under the snow I see mud and slime and owies.

So to recap - everything sucks, I'm trying to explode D's brain, and I possibly made a faux pas internet statement.

I can usually pull myself out of such a mood, and am normally very optimistic, but things have become so quagmire-ish that I just can't seem to get outta this funk. Just as I pull my hand free, my waist sinks a few more inches.
I really need a vacation, or a girl's day to just eat, vent, get drunk, samba to the tango and then giggle all the way home. Most importantly I need to laugh, proper belly laugh, so if anyone has any films they can recommend for the intelligent ha-has please do.
I hate having the boo-hoo's

Workmen and Cat Questions

2012-02-10T16:13:00.000Z

Today I was due to get my boiler fixed by a local plumbing firm - at one point I had four plumbers in the house all staring at the same boiler...
The whole time Roarke meowed, stared and generally attempted to exercise his powers of mind control.
He seemed completely uncertain as to why these four men - these four men he had allowed into his home - weren't sitting, snuggling, scratching and cuddling him.
Even worse.. they had blocked his route to the food bowls by pulling out the evil washer*

For an entire hour I was assaulted by cat question after cat question - meow this, meow that, 'why aren't they stroking me and telling me I'm awesome yet' meow.

Roarke is currently lucky that I didn't shut him in the boiler.

* When we first moved in someone, (D) didn't put the cold water pipe into the washer properly. The first time we used it the pipe shot off and sprayed cold water at the kitchen door, where incidentally Roarke was sat. The force of the water pinned him to the door. (it was really funny for us, not him)
He spent the following week jumping three feet in the air just to get past the washer to his food.

The I in iPhone is for insomnia

2012-02-08T17:06:00.001Z

Our iPhone is determined to keep us awake. After twelve email notifications over twenty minutes we finally figured how to turn the darn thing on silent after which point el iPhone decided to send bright beams of light across the ceiling in the way of lightning to inform us that a new message had been received. Even after we brought the old phone back in to act as official waker-upper and relegated iPhone to the bedside draw it chose to use that opportunity to vibrate at us the news of new emails.
iPhone now sleeps downstairs at night.
iPhone sleep deprivation may also be why I fell down the stairs on Monday and have subsequently spent the last few days laid on the sofa like a turtle who can't get back up, my coccyx is NOT amused.
D being D keeps the iPhone just out of my reach and then snickers to himself when I try to get it.

Tomorrow I am supposed to take a three hour train ride....am desperately trying to buy children's inflatable swim toy or hemmarroid ring from eBay to make journey bare able.
Stupid coccyx.

Omg I has iPhone

2012-02-04T22:13:00.001Z

Yes iPhone woot finally a way to blog on the go, although so far I have used my iPhone only to download 100 free game aps ... And I've had the phone for two hours .... Imagine what I could achieve by not sleeping tonight ...

Achievement Whore

2012-01-19T10:40:00.000Z

Where have I been the past few days I hear you ask - well I have been going to bed at 4am each day....because I've become an Xbox addict.
I've played console games for many, many years and suddenly - with the introduction of a new dashboard (that's the 'home' menu screen for any plebs out there) one that tells me what my achievement ratio is like, (achievements are won by playing games and doing difficult tasks in game) has made me quite...obsessed about the whole thing.
The first time D worked out the ratio from the information on screen we laughed and I gloated at how my ratio was higher than his.
The following day after unlocking new achievements I asked him to recalculate....and then several times a day since then.
Poor D.
I began playing games to get 100% complete or 1000 of 1000 gamerscore. I've done this with FIVE games in the last month - count them - FIVE!!!! And have now become a complete addict. Every night I'm just trying to get "one more score" as D heads to bed at 9am. Come 4am I'm blinking at the screen wondering where my life just went...

I've even joined A FORUM, yes a FORUM. to talk with other addicts (everyone seems awake at 2am) and get tips on achievements I'm struggling with (trust me here some are VERY difficult to obtain)

I've even started buying my old games from 5 years ago on ebay so i can replay them - for more achievements. This is kind-of good as these games are mere pence now, but D keeps giving me the 'eye' particularly when he returns home and my "news of the day" is that I played monkey island three times today to unlock all the achievements and speed play achievements.

Heck as I'm writing this even I start wondering if I have a problem - but at the moment it's keeping me amused. By the end of December I want to get, and maintain, a minimum of 75% completion achievement score across all the games.
And obviously get as many games as I can fully completed

A squirrel fuelled shopping trip

2012-01-16T09:29:00.002Z

I know many of you know of my love of squirrels. Begun at the age of 5 with some rare red squirrels, continued by foamyand then encouraged by the ones that live at the bottom of the garden.
Well today I apparently have squirrels on the brain. Concerned about the lack of mr and mrs squirrel over the winter - they usually stop by every Sunday - I've completely over filled the bird table, feeders and covered most of the floor to lure them out.

Then I went shopping...

I returned home with this terrific pair of squirrel pjs with tiny squirrels on the bottoms. They are the cosiest, comfiest pj's I have EVER owned. The top even has the caption "I'm nuts about you"
And they have squirrels on them.....score!

Next...

Who could avoid buying these with that squirrel full of attitude on the cover. Seriously, I bought like six.

And then it wasn't until I arrived home and discovered later that evening the gift I bought for D...some brilliantly expensive chocolate-caramel-banoffee pie bar had a.....

Yes a squirrel in a TUX on it - classy chocolate ;)

EDIT: This morning mr squirrel was feeding at a neighbour's bird feeder...ten minutes later and with some stealthy moves mr squirrel is now feeding from the neighbours bird feeder at the bottom of MY garden - they're MY squirrels dammit!

Exercise Routine

2012-01-11T09:39:00.012Z

Now you can do it too!

Step 1 - conveniently leave cordless house phone in upstairs office
Step 2 - using one of many sites (I chose Amazon) request a callback
Step 3 - Choose option NOW not 'in 5 minutes'
GO!
Step 4 - Run out of living room and up flight of stairs
Step 5a - Remember you're ill and start panting ** Optional
Step 5b - Burst into office in way of TV cop show.
Step 6 - Hurdle pile of boxes and stock that you were going to put away later (laundry can be used if boxes are unavailable) and which is strewn across the entire floor
Step 7 - Start throwing empty boxes behind you (great for working the biceps)
Step 8 - Crawl under computer chair to reach desk
Step 9 - Answer phone

and repeat ad nauseum.

Notice boards #2

2012-01-10T09:00:00.001Z

At my local supermarket on Sunday I discovered what I thought was another funny announcement board notice.

"Unwanted gift, Still wrapped - £45 call..."

I couldn't stop laughing at it and the ambiguity, D and I were discussing just how much we could get away with wrapping up our random junk worth mere £'s and turning it into £££'s by simply wrapping it in Christmas paper and putting an ad up.

...then I moved the card to discover the one above had plopped down over the top line entitled "Set of dumbells" - oh I see, the person writing the card wasn't as dumb as I first though...
Needless to say we adjusted the card back to it's funny style (dumbell line covered up) and left quietly while still giggling to ourselves.

So we add now to our lessons of "How to use a notice board"
Leave the top line BLANK - in case of upper card fall-age.

Words are not enough

2012-01-06T09:08:00.002Z

My thoughts on reading this - in numerical order;

How brilliant
Why didn't I think of this
Would I really make a good assassin?
Probably not
Who can I get finally kill off now...
What group of people shall I hit since it's cheaper
I wonder if there is a loyalty 'kill 6 get one free' scheme
What if someone hired them to kill ME and that's why I've been so ill....
I wonder if that number really works....dare I ring it....?

I haven't rung it yet....I really want to...so if I get enough comments (because I am not doing this for myself - I mean...what if it's REAL)...I will ring and RECORD my conversation with el Assassin. So you all know what to do....give me 25 hits below and I'll hike to a phone box and ring the number... (because I'm not stupid enough to use my home or mobile phone.)

And let me know if you think I should be...
a) deadly serious on the phone about hiring an assassin

b) plain desperate - like totally unbelievably over-the-top desperate

c) treat it as a joke

d) use a funny accent and pretend to be a spy

e) give me your totally awesome idea for what I should do

(and if someone from abroad can please promise to take me in if this all goes very wrong and the police and international spies get involved, that'd be great.)

Three Stops, Three Continues, Three Starts

2012-01-05T09:57:00.072Z

I read about this three stops, continues and starts idea on a fellow business owners blog and I liked it so much I decided to try answer them myself for the new year.

Three Stops

Leave the market - the footfall is dying and I can't see it working over the start of the new year, maybe mid-year it'll be better when they have finished renovations.
Worrying that some other people claim to do such sales that dwarf my own, my business speaks for itself and being around people who gloat or lie about their takings to wind-up other business holders is not healthy and shows their lack of decorum and business sense.
Letting paperwork pile up over a week so it seems like too much to do. Start doing it daily or bi-daily as it worked better that way before I formed a bad "it's not as important as sales" habit.

Three Continues

Using Amazon and price checking the entire inventory on a monthly basis.
Posting across our Facebook business page and profile.
Driving - Continue lessons in February and re-book test.

Three Starts

Open a shop and launch a website connected to it.
Make a work time-table to help best manage the time I have and how it should be spent on the different areas of the business. No more feeling like I'm dashing between home, work and on-line and doing a shoddy, rushed job on everything. Factor in some 'down-time.'
Attend a toy fair to view new brands and ideas in 2012.

The End of the World Cometh

2012-01-04T09:33:00.041Z

So I, like most of you are I'm sure, sceptical about the end of the world in 2012. I always take the opinion if the world IS going to end, there is nothing I can do to stop it so I might as well enjoy the ride - hold D's hand and ~~take as many people with me as possible when I go~~ enjoy what's left.
Well this morning I woke up to something that looked a little like the end of the world was already here.
The forest at the back of my house was bending over, the rain that had fallen was rushing in waves across the floor, the contents of my garden furniture and planters were taking off, and all this through rain and hail so thick I could barely see out.
Once I got past feeling ... shocked. I spent a good ten minutes calling Kara to come in from outside....before discovering her sitting under the coffee table just staring at me. So I sat on the sofa with three pretty nervous cats, looked out again and thought...gees, if you told me today it was the end of the world...I'd believe you.
Then cursed D for being at work - I mean why-oh-why does he have to go back to work, why can't he just stay home with me all the time - sure I know we need the money for bills and rent and stuff, but seriously sometimes I'd rather starve and spend the day curled up with D watching movies - although having done this before I KNOW it doesn't work and I really prefer eating, having things...like a roof over my head...and seeing him before and after work.
But I digress...
Why is he AT WORK on the day the world is ending, talk about abandonment!
In the end I phoned my mum...who lives a mere 0.01 of a mile away, just to know I wasn't alone if in fact the world was ending...which it hasn't...because I'm still typing...
So, I guess we can all be as sceptical as we like or as much of a believer as we like that the world is going to end...but when it finally does (hopefully millions of years from now) we are all going to have the same dumbfounded look on our faces as I did this morning.

The Wanderer Returns

2012-01-03T09:32:00.000Z

So...I'm back. I know you're all cheering inside. After my busyness with the business taking up almost all my blogging time, on the 13th I thought to myself "Hey, I deserve a holiday after this!"
My body, only half listening, or perhaps not listening at all; heard - "let's get really sick and stop functioning"
So I spent my holiday vomiting, dashing to the loo, falling the heck over, and hallucinating that I was in 10001 maniacs and they were trying to get me but...as I said to D before his worry levels for my health hit the roof... "Don't worry I have a plan".
I'm still not better but the toilet trips are fewer and further between and I see a specialist on Thursday. Woot.
A mere 3 weeks and 2 days since I began being ill....the Christmas service sucks.

According to my normal doctor, "something" caused my spleen to kill the majority of my blood and it all went downhill from there. Now instead of bouncing back to good health - I seem to be sprawled on my ass getting there one week at a time.

But I'm back now guys cause all this bile needs a way out and what better way than spewing it across the blog - no...not ready for that analogy yet?
I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and New Year - I have stories to share (ones that don't involve bodily functions) but they are for another day......or tomorrow...whatever.

The devil makes work for idle hands...and legs...and...

2011-12-07T15:19:00.000Z

D has decided the devil has "marked" me. I received 6 double yolkers recently and two night's ago we discovered a bruise on my leg in the shape of a perfect # 6. It's perfect - scarily perfect. I'd have photographed the offending bruise but by the time I woke up and remembered to today it's so faded I doubt you'd be able to notice it. It was eerily well formed and spaced. So while we're waiting for the next frightening #6 to appear, I thought I'd take the chance to show you my latest creations;

This is Elton the Sock Monkey - so named as his fancy eyes remind me of Elton John's Glasses! He's the first ever sock monkey I've ever made and he's really great! (The picture doesn't do him justice)

This is my first ever creation from my own imagination and is (obviously) a crab. But he/she needs a name still.

Now comes the part where I ask you guys for help! I'm trying to find a name as the label for all my critters so they stand apart in the crowd of handmade toys. I was thinking ________ Minions, but I can't think of a good first name. Any suggestions are much appreciated!

Today is Reese's Day!

2011-12-05T14:45:00.000Z

NUFF SAID;

Thanks Jen! I have never tried Marshmallow fluff but I can barely wait for D to arrive to do so! Serious yummy noises are coming from my house now - and I'm pretty certain I can now replace my blood with pure reese's filling.

Preachy for a change

2011-11-30T08:44:00.000Z

When did British = Bitter? That's all I hear now; that and I want, I deserve, I need. Let me remind you of what Ghandi and others have said;
"A nation's greatness is measured by how it treats its weakest members. -- the last, the least, the littlest."
As Humans we depend on others for co-operation and compassion to survive, every other creature on the planet promotes the survival of the fittest and the weak or injured are left behind. That's what sets us apart. Lose your compassion and you start losing your humanity.
Why is it people are too blind to notice that EVERYONE is in the same boat and just sitting by demanding someone else takes responsibility is childish.
Can nobody remember when such anger and hate towards a scapegoat created a genocide which killed thousands of innocent people?
And can everyone stop having a go at the asylum seekers, the clue is in the name they - came here to avoid DEATH, WAR, MURDER, RAPE and STARVATION - they came to us to save their LIVES and you begrudge them some food, heat and a place to live while they try to understand a new countries language, customs and how to survive in it.

SHAME. ON. YOU.

Today I am disgusted with the feed on my book of face. You racist, money grubbing, disgraces. I am ashamed to even class you as acquaintances - let alone friends and colleagues.

And for the rest of you I write this today only because I cannot stay silent any longer, to stay quiet is paramount to agreeing, and seeing so much hate and bitterness from people everyday is becoming distressing. This is not a world I am happy to live in and I am no longer willing to sit by while the people with the louder and angrier voices get to have their say and shape our society.

My keyboard is editing my thoughts..

2011-11-29T09:34:00.000Z

Every now and then in the world we come across different people or things which CRUSH our creative outpourings. This is seemingly par for course - yet none of us expect to find this coming from inside our homes.
Now before you all start pointing the finger at D and throwing cabbages and spoiled fruit let me tell you, for once it isn't D - in fact D has been off work sick and treated to the one-woman comedy show that is my life - laughter IS after all the best medicine.
No the traitorous little censorship monkey is none other than my keyboard. It doesn't seem to matter which key I actually press, my keyboard is dead set on writing words different to the ones I am typing. AND NO IT'S NOT MY CHUBBY FINGERS MASHING THE KEYPAD - I don't HAVE chubby fingers so shush those of you heckling from the peanut gallery.
I can write the word go - which becomes the word do. K's are magically appearing mid-words like whale and bare. Words where I'm not even near a K on the keyboard.
I have begun to wonder if perhaps the keyboard (just spelt kayboard) is trying to communicate with me, and send a special message. But as soon as I begin taking note of the letters it chooses to type they only ever come out as an anagram of kayboard....I mean keyboard again.
At least it isn't saying things like "I know your pin number, I'm going to steal all your money" - unless it just did then...hmmmm

Seriously this time of year is crazy!

2011-11-26T19:24:00.000Z

On a side-note look what I found on my book of face this Christmas;

Love and other Drugs

2011-11-22T09:39:00.001Z

So I'm on a new course of pills from today. Big scary massive pills that threaten to choke me, luckily though D has smashed the pills into more manageable pieces so we won't have another case of 'oh god I'm being suffocated' like we did last time.
I don't remember who gave me the useful pill swallowing tip - and am too lazy to go back and look it up - of staring at the ceiling. Well this worked for me, for a short time, until one day I couldn't remember how to swallow, the water I'd gulped to help sat at the front of my mouth as the pill rolled into my throat. I thought I was dying and began to panic when, by some herculean effort, my throat managed to contract all by itself and swallowed the pill for me, while I was still screaming obscenities in my own head.
So then I decided I was some kind of amazing medical marvel - right up until I remembered lots of people dry-swallow and that's probably how they do it.

So today I've taken the first pill in my three-month course and am already imagining I have blurred vision (a side-effect) and dizziness, a mere thirty-seconds after swallowing.
But everything DOES look blurry round the edges, and I'm not sure if that's my eyes, the lighting, impending cataracts or the medication. But while I can still read I guess it's not that serious, and by that I mean call a frikkin' ambulance I'm going blind.
Seriously.

This is just like the time bleach splashed up into my eye and I got laughed out of the emergency room for going to them about it - but that's WHAT IT SAID TO DO ON THE BOTTLE. Gees.
Apparently that guideline is just for those of us who accidentally pour the bleach directly into our faces. And of course, for legal reasons.

I have to go now, not only have I written the word swallow far more than any non-porn-related post ever should, but I've now developed a ringing in my ears....or is that the doorbell.

Back Soon

2011-11-17T09:06:00.000Z

Total Christmas rush is happening in my business and as delightful - and tiring as it is, I don't really have any interesting highlights of my last few days - other than packing a gazillion orders that have seemingly appeared out of no where.
Who knew, I stock all the cool stuff!
As soon as things calm down, and something interesting and non bubble-wrap related happens, I'll be blogging about it. But for now a delivery van has just pulled up outside...a very BIG van - see I can't even make it five minutes into a blog without the business taking over so I must dash now, but hopefully I will get a lull on Saturday and update then! (And hopefully something interesting happens by then, other than me forgetting to do chores, and trying to do laundry around work) - I'm such an exciting daredevil!
Or else, well I'll be forced to explain to you all, how to use the washer and just how many times to kick the door to get it to work properly....
Thrilling stuff eh!

Gingerbread man party at my house!

2011-11-15T08:15:00.000Z

I made my first - ever - gingerbread men last night. And they cooked perfectly - apart from D not greasing the oven tray so they would come off easily (but he's learning so we'll let it go).
I'd have taken a picture but they wouldn't come off the tray in one piece, and then since I had red icing I started colouring them in like they'd been in a car wreck, a limb here, a delicious bit of frosting there...

Let me tell you through, prior to death, they looked awesome. I had struggled to fit them all onto a baking tray so to make room I'd arranged them;

Doing the splits
Legs together lent against the side of the tray
legs bent backwards
doing a cannon ball
diving
jumping (somehow this guy's legs were twice as tall as everyone else's)
Having a piggy-back

Then I decided that maybe the problem was the cutter I was using - which was clearly made by the devil since as soon as you cut the fellows out, their legs and arms clung to it like some kind of torture rack, and I had to prise all their limbs out with a knife....(this might explain bullet 6)
So I scooped out my good ol' halloween cat cutter and started making the gingerfolk some pets - pets which were half their size.
They also looked good but I kept cutting their tails off to try keep them in size proportion.

As you can see the gingerfolk on the right,
has been mauled by the large Cat on his left.

Learning to drive....again

2011-11-14T11:56:00.000Z

So I had my first lesson again today. At the start my instructor (i think in an attempt to calm/sympathise with me) said that he thought I wasn't quite ready for my test, and could have done with an extra couple of weeks of practise blah-blah.
But by the end of my FLAWLESS lesson he said, actually you're just fine you made next to no mistakes today and I think it's just nerves that got you.
Talk about a U-turn opinion.

I'm probably going to re-take the test next year, I really don't like the idea of it, but it has to be done, I have been told to go to my doctor first and get something to help calm my nerves.

On lighter notes I made my first even sewing project - and forgot to share it with you! - Don't laugh, I've never made anything before ever.

He's not quite finished, but he's my first ever attempt and I love him! I've since learnt how to make a bauble (now a cat toy) and I'm currently making a hanging star for our Christmas tree!
I have been bitten by the Crafting bug!

Who needs a mirror when I have D!

2011-11-09T09:11:00.011Z

D and I were browsing some photos on the book of face when we came across a girl in a really stupid pose and outfit who had given her picture the caption "When I feel good inside and out I take a picture to remind me how I felt to look at when I'm feeling down"

I started sniggering...

D: What?

Me: Well when I'm feeling down I just look at you and remember it could be worse....

D pushes me off the sofa and I land on my bum laughing my head off while he chuckles at me.

Jangling nerves monster vs shrimp Girl

2011-11-08T10:58:00.000Z

I took my test on Saturday, and I failed. Ironically I failed for driving too close to parked cars, which is something I'd been taught to do - well up until I found out that's why I'd failed and my instructor suddenly said "ah I thought that might be a problem" It took all my self control not to turn to him and say, well YOU told me to stay close.

That aside, if they'd passed me I'd have been worried. The lesson before my exam my instructor took the opportunity to teach me BRAND NEW THINGS making me very unsure of my abilities.
As soon as I began the test I felt the nerve jangling monster reach up from it's nest in my stomach, coiling it's limbs around my heart, mouth, joints and proceeding to shake me uncontrollably from side to side.
I struggled to do even the simplest thing, finding gears was an action of the past. I even got three minors for steering, as my instructor said there is no way I can get minors for steering so obviously I was a wreck.
I drove in no gear, in the wrong gear, the whole time trembling so hard my foot kept falling off the clutch.

It was horrible.

The guy testing me though was very kind, he gave me extra tries at my questions (I was too nervous to answer properly) He knew I was nervous and several times told me, just put it behind you and don't let it affect the rest of your test.
Every time we did anything though he was write,write,writing away in his little book which put me in a state of paranoia
scribble, scribble *oh god what did i do wrong then* scribble scribble *god what did I do then i thought that was okay scribble scribble *why is he still writing!*

To not write my own abilities off completely - I did ACE my manoeuvre (at this point I'd gotten a sod-it attitude and just whacked the car back) and my independent driving (where they tell you a location and you follow the signs there) went fine, because I could drive alone and with no pressure.

When the test ended I waited for the examiner to leave then burst into tears, not because I failed but because I'd been so nervous and scared for an entire week, I'd not been eating or sleeping properly and it was the relief of tension that it was over. I'm really not looking forward to trying again though.

Men and Mo-vember

2011-11-03T08:38:00.004Z

Warning, this is probably going to offend some people (D) and if you are easily offended (D), just don't read on, simples right? If you DO read on and you DO get offended, that's on you (D). This is my space and I can sit around naked talking crap if I want to....wait....what?

It's going around Facebook and D's work at the moment that November is the month where, to raise awareness of testicular cancer, men grow themselves a moustache.

I hate things like this.

No I'm no Pogonophobic, I just do NOT understand how having facial hair raises awareness for something.

What would raise awareness is having "testicular cancer is one percent of all diagnosed male cancers, check yourself" tattooed on your forehead, wearing a massive t-shirt or sign, and even maybe walking around bottomless (if you're male) with a "how to check yourself" poster. Simply donning a beard in no way actually raises awareness.

I hated it when breast cancer awareness month came around and some idiot decided we should "write down where we have left our handbag but not explain why" so Facebook was filled with "I do it on the floor" "I do it on the stairs" yet participants were instructed not to reveal the secret behind what the posts were talking of, so how exactly DOES THAT RAISE AWARENESS???
Another year it was "write the colour of your bra as your Status, but don't tell anyone why.."
You know what raises awareness better than facial hair, random colours and locations being facebooked?

Everything else.

And just trust men to come up with a way to "raise awareness" that involves even less effort than normal day-to-day activities.
Woman walk, jog or run for breast cancer to raise money for the cure amongst other publicised activities, and men....they just stop shaving for a month. Well guys - we know you didn't like doing that anyway, kudos for putting in the minimum effort required.

I mean it's not as if we are going to look at every person with facial hair and go 'WOW that raises my awareness for testicular cancer!' So many men have facial hair even when it's not November, we're probably not going to really notice.
The only person who will notice is your wife/girlfriend who will tell you to shave the damn thing off and go up to the hospital and get that suspicious-looking testicular lump you've been avoiding looked at already.

(By the way, anyone being sponsored to grow a moustache to raising money for Testicular Cancer research is a-okay to me, that makes sense, sort-of...I mean, you couldn't do a sport? No? Okay, but it's the other "huh,uh,huh I'm gonna grow a moustache *snort* cause I hate shavin'....I mean, for testicular cancer awareness *snort*" guys that drive me nuts....D is borderline becoming one of these guys, for all the lazy reasons aforementioned)

If you would like to raise your own awareness on testicular cancer please go here. If you would like to raise awareness for others about testicular cancer, then please share the link; just don't dye your hair, braid your beard or start growing a moustache, or December will be 'Santa only left you a razor and wax strips for Christmas - you hairy yeti' month.

You know what else I'm going to do? Every imbecile who tells me "uhhuhuhhuh I'm growing this fuzz to raise awareness for testicular cancer" is going to be asked to provide me with THREE facts/pieces of info on testicular cancer. Those who can't answer will receive three quick kicks to the crotch.
Now THAT will raise awareness.
(if not of testicular cancer, at least of avoiding me, win,win)

Make me a good driver.. pleeeease!

2011-11-02T07:04:00.026Z

My test is soo soon and I'm going from feeling capable to believing I'll crash.
I attempted reversing round a corner for the first time the other day and it went fine, I also did a turn in the road which, umm wasn't too great but my third attempt really was good.

Then I did them again today.....how many times can you mess up reversing...it turns out the answer is many.
I hit the kerb, mounted the kerb, turned the wrong way, went too fast, went the wrong way and on and on. Now I'm getting worried that I'm only just being taught this stuff and my exam is on SATURDAY, SATURDAY d'ya hear me SATURDAY.
I'm doomed, DOOMED I tells ya.
So you can all go return your party frocks and you may as well eat my celebration cake too, I'm probably going to fail, based on either the manoeuvre I'll mess up, or the complete flap doing the manoeuvre puts me in for the rest of my test.

And all I can think is "this test is so expensive, you'd better pass" "you need to be able to drive already" "if you don't pass now you won't get to try again till the new year and then it'll be too late" over and over.

/ End of freak-out.

Crafty winds are blowing

2011-11-01T09:56:00.025Z

I've always wanted to be crafty and talented at sewing, and now that I'm on the market stall and the weather is fast turning chilly, I decided it's time to start trying my hand at a few projects and maybe even make that quilt on my 100 by 100 list!
Part of my reason behind this is all the fairs I sell at I'm surrounded by crafters, and it's making me slightly ashamed that I'm NOT making all my own decorations etc. And these ladies are so talented, surely some of it can rub off, right?
Well I'll tell you one bit that has rubbed off.....the bit where I get to shop for new supplies for my hobby (that by the time they arrive I might not be into any more)

So I've ordered some felt and flame-retardant stuffing to make a few Christmas decorations and a baby toy, I'm drooling over buttons to add later. I'm trying to learn how to make a sock monkey (thanks to the craft set I sell at work) and I just found these wonderful pre-cut squares for less than £3 including shipping. EXCELLENT!

Now if someone reading here is crafty, please alert me now if hand-sewing them is the worst possible idea, I don't own - nor understand - how to use a sewing machine and if I really need one, please give me a heads-up.
I'm sure my need to suddenly be crafty may pass but surrounded by crafty souls I'm catching the bug!

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-31T08:54:00.004Z

Lil' Bo Peep and Rosie the Sheep

My empire. Please note, empire may currently be plague ridden and tissue covered.

2011-10-27T09:11:00.000+01:00

I'm still dying but while I burn all the plague ridden items in my house, I thought I'd share with you the pics from my new store. Get ready because it's pretty.
Please note all the work you see here, apart from assembling the desk, was done by me. that means there were no employees, no designers (that part is probably obvious) and no unpackers.

I'll start with the before pic, since it's always the best way to start, and then show you my stall (or at least how it was last week before I sold a bunch of stuff

We sold out of the paper lazers in the first day, high-five!

D sold Spongebob, HUZZAH! I was so sick of staring at his stupid little feet dangling over my bookcase for the last twelve months, the question is, do I restock him?

That pumpkin design was created by me *cough* D *cough* on the computer and then I stapled it onto the hanging pumpkin :D

That's my little empire, or the start of it anyway, I need some flooring and a few extra shelves, but it really does look good, bright cheerful and eye-catching, just the way a children's book,toy and craft stall should! We were very impressed by the enthusiasm over our stall last week and hope that it might continue (and we might earn some more money) it's been a risky venture but with a bit of hard-work and good luck it might just succeed.

Now if you would like to hear my actual voice as I was interviewed live on the radio at the stall, go Here! Fast forward to 1:14:45 and you'll hear my five-minute interview.
My MIL heard me on the radio and bought me some flowers since I'm 'famous now' which was really great of her and made my day, well until I got home to D, his giant bear hug and massive bouquet of white lillies and a slab of chocolate fudge cake. He knows me so well.
Well I shall be back again on Monday, with hopefully some funny halloween-on-the-stall pictures and stories.

Driving me crazy

2011-10-26T08:03:00.000+01:00

I used to get better a lot faster than this, apparently childhood spoiled me.
My driving test is one short week away and I'm being forced to cancel my lessons this week since
a) I cannot breathe without my mouth open
b) My concentration is very low
c) I keep sneezing so I don't want to drive with my eyes shut
d) I don't want to get out of my pjs
e) I'm sick dammit

I'm getting scared I am going to fail my test, before I felt confident, I mean you just drive, right? But my "wonderful" friends have filled me with so many nightmare tales I think I'll be lucky to get off the parking lot without the tester screaming, grabbing the wheel and demanding I never drive again.
That aside, I know I can drive.
I may lack finesse or experience but I can drive. I've been doing it for two months with the instructor, I can drive at a perfectly acceptable level. I mean, I haven't hit anyone (yet) or crashed (yet) or broken the law too much.
I can get from a to b without too much destruction so surely if I do that on the day I'll pass, right? Please? I don't have much more money for the learning part of driving. What am I saying, I bankrupt my bank account about £300 ago.

Please let me pass, please, I'll only use my driving powers for good and not evil, and I'll even take D to work at 5am...ummm scratch that last part, but I will be very, very good. Vote for me to pass my test :) (It is a voting system right, if I get enough votes I pass, yeah?)

D is wrong, wrong, wrong - but what's new

2011-10-25T06:24:00.022+01:00

D arrived home from work and decided my on-line diagnosis was incorrect, that I don't have the flu but am simply hungover.
I am not hungover, for one I have never been hungover (bless my body chemistry) but I have had plenty of bouts of flu, ergo I KNOW when it's flu I'm having. Plus what hangover comes with a faucet-face and shredded voice box. None, HA!
Today I feel minutely better, I think, it's too soon to tell. My dear friend Emmzie has offered to come by and run my business for a few hours so I can recharge my batteries. I know this has only knocked me down so much because I have been working so hard, eating and sleeping so little these last few weeks.
Thankfully it should be over and done with by the time I re-open the shop on Friday, and then D has a wonderful week off, and I plan on more vodka and pool next Sunday with him, since I was so awesome at both drinking the vodka and shooting some pool last night.

In the meantime I'm curled up watching Downton Abbey and wanting to own a country house - I can always dream.

It's a sad day when it's 4 degrees outside but your ice lolly melts before you can eat it

2011-10-24T08:44:00.000+01:00

I have THE flu. Not the little kind, the big, 'I woke up at 3am feeling like someone had filed away my larynx' flu.
This is probably due to all my recent rushing around and would explain why, at the stall on Friday other market stall holders were asking me if I was cold and that maybe I should put a coat on, when I was BOILING in the frigid weather.
My temperature is so high my ice lolly (much needed to sooth my abused throat) is MELTING if I simply breathe out in it's general direction.
I'm not sure whether this flu has been brewing for a while or was bought on by my four vodka's and three games of pool last night (I rock, even the old guys at the bar told me so, I was making trick shots all over the place) followed by a walk home in what felt to me like the middle of summer.
I'm seriously hot today, and I feel so - let's be honest - whiny, I don't want to do the 30+ orders that have come through on-line.
If I do, I might just die! For reals! My brain hurts just trying to put words into straight lines that make sense. Don't make me do accounts and orders and writing envelopes and then walking to the post office and posting the envelopes. PLEASE.
People can wait an extra day for me to mail things, right? I mean Christmas is a while away, right?
*grumbles* FINE I'll go get my coat.

*please note now my business establishment is up and running, normal mon-thurs blogging will return*

Men have a different idea about where the next tech advancements should be...

2011-10-20T19:16:00.000+01:00

D : "Our next washing machine should be a direct drive"
Me: "No, our next washing machine should hang, dry, iron, fold up and put away the laundry"

HA! I showed him!

During

2011-10-19T18:52:00.000+01:00

This is one part of the stall, all set up, just another six spaces and a display table to go..

Before

2011-10-18T08:05:00.000+01:00

This is my unit the day I moved in, I'm part-way to having it set-up now and I am so excited. It's starting to look really professional, just like I wanted!!

All is fair in love and war...as long as there is cake...there should ALWAYS be cake

2011-10-16T18:43:00.000+01:00

So I'm rushing around like a mad thing but thought I'd take the time to update ya'll on my life and the craziness it now is.

The neighbours

You know, the ones who I went to war with over cat toileting and slug pellets, well the war is over and I won - or at least I think I did. They were having a party last night and we'd wished them happy birthday and all that, then a few hours later they knocked on the door and brought us slices of Birthday cake. They are now my new best friends. (I did leave the cake to one side for 30 minutes...to see if D died after eating his piece) The cake is wonderful, it had three layers, one seemed to be soaked in orange booze, it had chocolate chips, sprinkles, butter cream filling, iced top, coconut sprinkles, those awesome candy metallic balls and well it was awesome.

The driving

My test is soon, after my conversation with my friend (I did NOT know I can fail for accidentally being in the wrong gear or slowing down too early) I am pretty certain I'm going to fail.

The business

I go to set up tomorrow, and it's forecast to be cold and snowing by the end of the week, oh that helps.
I also need to dress up for Halloween the following week, and now need to iron my bo peep costume, so there are two frustrating hours I'm never going to get back.

My life

I'm trying to assassinate myself, I've already pretty much broken my toe and since then have repeatedly been taking swipes at my left-side, from walking into a post, banging my shoulder and arm on two shelves on two different days, walking into a pole, losing the ability to grab and dropping things in my left hand, I'm getting the feeling I'm trying to cleave myself in two.

That's all for now, I have a before picture of the stall but no after pic so I won't share it just yet!

Space Filler

2011-10-12T18:51:00.000+01:00

This is just a super-quick update before I get my photos together and give you a proper update.

If you are a long-term reader, you may recall my plans to open a store. Well the store thing hasn't happened, I just felt the start-up cash and financial commitment were too high and decided to leave that on the side for a future date.

However.....
As of the 21st of October, I will have my very own retail unit (smaller and cheaper option) in our local market hall, and I've spent the last fortnight working my be-hind off to get ready for it. Tomorrow I move my stock in and start decorating!! I am so excited, I've already met lots of other unit holders and it's like one big supportive family.
I've even had promotional poster's done which go up tomorrow, I'm very excited (and tired) but I hope to get a bunch of pictures done of before-during and after I get set-up, so stay tuned!

I could teach those Witches a thing or two.

2011-10-03T08:27:00.065+01:00

Sometimes, and I know some of you may find it shocking.....stop laughing.... I can be a right cow.
Here is my confession, because I feel terrible.

D and I are in 'yo-we-sell-all-that-stuff-you-need' shop and D has commented on purchasing a DVD. I am browsing said DVD stack and find a nice Jane Austen-y tale about her life or not getting married or something, and it seems like a nice fictional bio and we were going to buy it, until we realised it was slightly out of our budget (since I'd just made D already buy me 'The Witches' on DVD - he has never seen it, seriously, never.)
So I'm pulling my puppy dog eyes at him and explaining just how necessary it is to my existence that we buy this DVD, (he wasn't falling for it, apparently I can only pull that off once a day and as I already have the Witches sat in my shopping bag...)
I finally decided just to read the back so I could see if I really did want it and maybe get it off Ebay or something...when the till right next to me opened up. D instantly decided we had to use it and started shoving me towards the checkout while berating me for being slow.
Well I (not surprisingly) don't take well to being corralled by ANYONE let alone my ruddy husband (sorry D) who has decided we are suddenly on some - get out of the shop in the next 60 seconds or we'll die - mad dash.
About twenty seconds later fed up of D's whinging, feeling very annoyed and having finished reading the cover, I start to put the DVD back.....

This dear old lady appears next to me and asks "Are you in the Queue?" to which I reply "Yes, apparently."
She gave me a slightly confused/mildly offended/slightly injured look and joined another queue.

Now I said "Yes, apparently" more to D than her, I'd meant yes apparently I am in the queue even if I didn't know I was until HE started shoving me.... but how I think it came across was me saying she was stupid for not realising that I was obviously in the queue. That is completely NOT what I meant.

I didn't realise this for a few moments and when I realised just how rude I had potentially been, no matter how unintentional I was horrified - and even more annoyed at D - and myself. This poor lady had asked an innocent question and any other time I would have simply explained and invited her to go first but I had accidentally treated her abysmally.

Once we paid I was so mortified I desperately wanted to go over and apologise but she was at the back of a queue and D was rushing me out, and I felt embarrassed and ashamed and annoyed that I'd allowed a petty issue with me and D spill over onto someone else.

On our journey home, in silence while I mentally beat myself for being so horrible, D apologised (sort-of he's not very good at it so we'll accept the effort) for rushing me, explaining he thought we were ready and then he felt we should hurry as a till opened up blah-blah.
But I feel terrible about it, I try to be kind and considerate of everyone and today I just didn't think. There is not a lot I can do about it now other than hope the lady understood it wasn't personal.
So that's my weekend low, now I'm off to watch the Witches and perhaps I'll teach them a thing or two.

Hell's Kitchen

2011-09-26T08:48:00.000+01:00

You may recall my battle with making the perfect brownies - well I have given up on trying to make them from scratch and started buying the "just add water and egg" mixes. Mainly because they have now found a way to not make me have to wash up after baking which is just freaking awesome. (In other words the brownie kits now come with an origami degree required to assemble the reflective card baking tray) so I am standing by the whole "if you heat it up at home it's home-made" rule.
I recently did some Cadbury Brownie's and of course, only half of the chocolate chips made it into the mix and the other half made it into my mouth.
The brownies went well except I had to give them 10-15 minutes longer than it said as they were still runny in the middle. Whoever guessed my brownie cooking issues were caused by my oven temperature being wrong may just be right!

So I was dancing around the kitchen celebrating my awesomeness and sneaking the odd cooling brownie from the tray before D came home when I decided I would wash up a couple of items while I waited for him so we could eat brownies. (I know this seems counter-productive given my whole 'woohoo I don't HAVE to wash up deal' but it's different when it's a choice and not an expectation.)

Apparently my kitchen doesn't think I'm so awesome, as partway through running some water, a carving knife slid off the counter and landed on the floor. Right where my foot would have been had I not just performed a gymnastic twist and stretch to get my feet clear.
Okay, I hear you... that happens to everyone.
I then carried a milk pan in my LEFT hand over the the sink - as I got there the huge GLASS lid of our frying pan slid from a different worktop on my LEFT. If I'd have had this ruddy milk pan in my other hand I could have saved it - but as it is this huge glass lid fell, hit my ankles and then smashed into a gazillion pieces onto the floor.
Enter D.
I think I must have the "oh shit I can't move" face plastered on as he takes a concerned look at me and says - "can you move? are you okay?"
My ankle is hurting a hell'uve a lot and I wimper "It hit my ankle and it hurts and I don't know if there is glass in it..."
D took one look at my sock covered feet, surrounded by glass - he stepped toward me - told me to hold on - and lifted me up off the floor and carried me over to the other side of the kitchen.
Now I'm not a big girly girl, and I do like to save myself a lot, but after a lifetime of doing so this small act caused my heart to roll-over in my chest and my thoughts got positively liquid.
Once I'd recovered I got over the whole 'oh god I bet he thinks I'm really heavy' thought as I gingerly pulled my socks off to find - yes they were covered in glass bits but no my feet were fine.
D swept up all the glass - totally awesome - and then knowing me so well even though he'd cleared all the glass up and re-swept several times (with me shouting such helpful advice as; 'you've swept it under the table again' 'you missed a bit' 'the bags ripped so you'll have to start over') he walked over to me, took his shoes off, and laid them at my feet so I could wear them out of the room as he walked barefoot.
I know it sounds corny, but that small act of kindness of lifting me out of the glass and giving me his shoes - makes him my hero.

I can't help but imagine if the shoe was on the other foot (no pun intended) and I'd have walked in to him smashing the glass lid the situation would have involved me stood there arms crossed while he cleaned it up and I kept saying "How are we gonna cook sausages now then, eh? eh? how?
Yeah he wins the 'better person' award....for now anyway.

Photoshop your memories

2011-09-21T20:15:00.000+01:00

I LOVE this video, I view it at least once a week so I figured I'd share it with you all - these guys are so clever!

Driving update

2011-09-20T13:09:00.000+01:00

I'll be taking my test soon...eep...I don't feel ready. I know in some countries a test involves simply driving around a car park avoiding cones an eye test and voila - tested. Here it involves following directions for 40 minutes, showing and telling them about parts of the engine, two manoeuvres (like reversing round a corner) and then another 20 minutes of being told a destination and then working out the route all by yourself.

I'm just getting over my clutch issue and I haven't learnt any manoeuvres ...yet. Yet my test date will be any time from the 10th of October to the 25th of October. Scary Biscuits.

I haven't done anything life threatening - other than trying to cut a lorry off on the roundabout once, and the odd fluttery moment. But all in all I like driving - not so much in heavily built up areas like the town centre, but I do enjoy heading to the country and I like the speed of A roads too (but shhhhh)

Hopefully I'll be good enough to pass my test soon since I really need to learn to drive, and the cash i had set aside for driving is half gone - eeep.

My next lesson is in 15 minutes so I'll dash off now! Hopefully I'll not stall much today and drive safely!

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

2011-09-16T10:10:00.001+01:00

Hi everyone.
Sorry I have been slacking lately but my 'day-job' and learning to drive and the hospital stuff that I just got done with (looks like I'm okay I just need drugs and then I should be fine) is really knackering me out. Please don't lose faith - I will be back! Plus Amber mentioned sending me some chocolate and pissing off my neighbours....so I'm holding out for some results on that!
You will also be horrified to learn that in all of my busyness (Seriously I'm up at 9am and in bed at 2am since I have such a lot of work to do right now) I have also been overwhelmed with the need to COMPLETELY GUT THE HOUSE and I can't stop myself. 'The room' is about to become toast, my dining room is being completely emptied and re-painted, the kitchen is being gutted and well.....I think I've gone crazy.
I keep trying to rein myself in and it's really not working. Everything in the house has to go. Everything. Except the stuff that costs too much to replace...like the tv....but all the ornaments except the couple I adore need to go, and excess kitchen stuff, and excess everything else.

So I've been replaced with a cleaning alien but I don't have enough time to clean and work so it's a frustrated cleaning alien.
I hope in a couple of weeks i'll have less driving lessons and a week to do my work without appointments meetings fairs etc. creeping into my schedule.

I hope you are all well, I'm keeping reading your blogs as and when i can grab ten minutes!

EDIT: and let me add, I'm so completely over the moon if-I-was-any-happier-my-heart-would-burst happy. I'm so just, calm and joyful, which after years of worrying about my test results is such a relief. I'm just taking the time to enjoy how I feel - while working lots lol

Shrimp Girl kicks the ass of any room, every time.

2011-08-31T21:45:00.000+01:00

I had a mad tidy up today to make my workspace look like I've never done a moment's work in it before. My desk turned into a display, my bookshelves had all the books pointing upwards and all facing in the same direction, it was a freaking miracle!
My office was so.....tidy.
Never has it been that way before, and I'm sure it never will be again so it's pretty good that I'll obtain some photographic evidence that it once was. Maybe I can thrust it into the faces of everyone who comes to visit as I chant the words "See, bits of my house were tidy once."

The photographer was really nice, I seemed far more coherent today so it's a shame he wasn't writing my story and only taking my photo.
The first photo I had done was the hilarious "stood by a bookshelf while balancing my laptop in one hand, pretending to type with the other hand while smiling at the camera...." yeah...totally natural....
He did mention that I need to keep my eyes open since I was "starting to look slightly Asian" to which I replied "I know what you mean, I've seen that in some of our holiday photos, but I refer to it as my 'ORC face' so at least you're being flattering about it."

ORC FACE - Where you are caught eyes scrunched up, mid blink, and like you just crawled out of a swamp., or possibly recently auditioned as Gollum...

The final photo was my favourite, it had me leaning back against the bookcases in the corner of the room with my arms folded and legs crossed really relaxed looking and me beaming at the camera.... Well that's how it looked in the tiny window of his digital camera.. not sure what the life-size version will look like.
When D came home from work he was desperate to see the photos - which of course I don't have yet...so I led him upstairs into the office, stood him back...and then adopted the same pose as before and smiled. I figure it can't be too far off the original.

The article should be out next Thursday - eep and my PRECIOUS photo will be in it... hopefully I don't come off as el crazy weirdo and more confident business woman... but I have a feeling the crazy in me is going to win that one...

Buy my books DAMMIT!

They don't teach you everything at school...

2011-08-30T22:01:00.000+01:00

I clearly need to take a class in how to use office equipment since earlier today I managed to staple my finger to a cardboard box - ouching hellsfire!
My thought process went a little something like this...
" I wonder if my finger is a little too close to the.....MOTHER OF ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH "

Ugh....probably not a good idea to now use scissors to cut my sandwich, or a pen to eat my salad... I might choke or inhale a blade or small paper clip or something...

In chateau de Holly things have gone from busy to down right crazy. I already had tonnes to do before getting a stall at two fairs this weekend...when heck I know, I seem to not be juggling with BOTH feet so I'll have a newspaper interview - which occurring post staple incident probably didn't go too well - I think I couldn't stop rambling - and then the reporter decided they want a photo of me with some books (I mean how sad is that, I'm going to look like a crazy lady clutching my books to my chest talking about how vital books are..)
And better yet, they're going to take the photos here....in my HOUSE....tomorrow.
So now it's 10pm and I still need to clean ALL the things, turn the office into a streamlined workspace and not just a messy dumping ground, and get all my work done, which I'm already half a day behind on.....simples?

I also was woken at 8am by the delivery guy a DAY EARLY blocking my ENTIRE STREET with his lorry full of my craft kits and assorted goodies. I had to crawl out and sign stuff in my dressing gown while wiping sleep from my eyes as the neighbourhood got hacked off at his lorry - so I looked damn sexy and not at all like Griselda the Witch. Then I showed off my lack of morning super powers as he passed me a giant box - which he made out to be feather light... and which I then had to drag/push into the house since it was so heavy - all while wearing my sexy sleepwear...

This has been an AWESOME day...../sarcasm

Things that annoy me rant #789 (now with more aliens)

2011-08-24T13:16:00.001+01:00

There are a few things I see in my travels around my world (tv/town/internet) that drive me freaking crazy.

a) The new movie trailer from Apollo 18.

(Our broadcast trailer doesn't even have this much info)

It comes out with such stupid lines as "Find out why we never went back..." or "Discover the real reason we never went back..."
COME ON NOW, there were 17 PREVIOUS missions to the moon which were fine (ish) but that 18th one, that one was the charm waking up some great big evil creepy thing. Seriously...I'm supposed to believe this. I think we didn't go back because the moon was done now and we moved onto Mars. Dumbass filmaking morons.

b) When people list something on-line as "priced to sell"

Well Duh, you didn't price it NOT to sell now did you?! Writing such stupid statements as the one above is what forces me to send you a private message offering a penny for all your stuff. You're desperate...I have the cash...I value it at just above FREE.

c) That stupid Detoll hand-pump advert

I think when I first watched this advert I thought "cool it senses you" for about four seconds before my brain went HUH?! Now I get that this would have been a great advert if they'd just tried to flog the pump as a gimmicky gadget. But here is where it goes wrong.... I'm about to use the soap to wash my hands so what does it matter if when I push the lever down germs get on my hands?
Was I REALLY the only person who realised that? According to my nearest and dearest - yes.

d) How the TV adverts have conned us for years into thinking that Limescale = evil germs.

This point on the bashing list was brought to my attention by D. The gist of the advert was playing on the idea that limescale in the toilet was a bug, a germ (when it isn’t). The graphic depicted an evil monster with a face and everything, which is certainly the opposite of a calcified build up of minerals.

CAPTION READS: Use on pre-cleaned surface. The formula leaves a flush activated protective shield all around the bowl, that repels limescale. (SEE IT'S EVIDENCE OF THEIR STUPIDITY)

Then, the voice over suggested that this limescale provided a bumpy surface on which germs will somehow be more harmful than on the smooth porcelain surface of the loo…. Which is also total rubbish, except from the perspective that a bumpy, undulating limescale patch will have a larger surface area than the smooth loo. Not that that's what the advert was talking about. No it claims that limescale is a big scary germ infecting your loo and making it dangerous.

**I broke the text here somehow and I don't know how I did it!**

e) How the Kindle and Ipad conned us and NO ONE NOTICED!!!

Again I seem to be the only person ON THE FREAKING PLANET who has realised what they have done. Please note I am not bashing the Evil Kindle or the Ipad here, but simply the marketing geniuses.
Let me explain what their original meeting was all about....
"We need to show that this is a really special item... I know books are big so let's show them how this massive book of 1000 pages fits on this tiny lightweight machine - it's genius."
And heck..it looked really impressive I mean that whole book all on this tiny device... until you realise you're not actually getting a book. Stay with me here.
There are no pages or binding or anything like that, what actually happens is they send you a text document, that's cool right...which you then read on this....document...reader... HANG ON. That's been happening for YEARS. It happens every time I turn my computer on (also just a giant document reader) or my phone, or hell any piece of software. It's not that special, so why the hell is it made out to be. Just because they are driving the whole "It's a book reader" thing it sounds impressive, but it really is just a glorified document reader.

** Please note: I may be currently suffering from PMT which may be why these things are driving me crazy....that and also because they are just plain stupid. Why don't we all just play some boggle and leave the grown-up decisions and writing of things to people who have more than half a brain. K?

Don't get too cocky now...

2011-08-23T07:08:00.001+01:00

So I've been learning to drive, so far I have had three lessons for a total of 4.5 hours. And I thought it was going pretty well. My instructor thought I was doing well, I've mastered quiet roundabouts (rotaries?) with no extra traffic on them, turning, braking smoothly and I'm better at using my gears. Not to mention that I haven't killed anyone....yet. I've done a little reversing, hill start/stops and felt my general fear of "driving" had waned and I felt in control and capable of doing it, sure I might make mistakes but I'm learning and the majority of the time I'm fine.
Well yesterday it all went to pot.
I'd been driving happily at 30/40mph in my last lesson, and I guess my instructor just thought I was finding it all too easy...we started the day's lesson on a hill (please remember my actual driving time at this point is 1.5 hours) and he has me drive to a nearby village through the countryside at 60mph.
O............M...................G
Firstly these roads have no markings so it feels like I was either driving too far out or trying to drive in a ditch...other traffic out here does what it wants NOT what it's supposed to....it's so freaking fast I can't think straight...I got behind a line of traffic and had to practise driving behind people at 60mph and it was terrifying. Some roads look as if they go straight but actually curve sharply to the left.
I encountered my first ever traffic lights on this road and um...stalled...
I then drove us back to a quiet estate. I felt very, very flustered, scared and overwhelmed....which is probably what caused me to fluff everything I know how to do. At every SINGLE junction I then came to...I stalled. Stalling was not exclusive to junctions, nor was it limited to one stall per junction...at one point I had stalled six times in one turn. I then missed turns at roundabouts, and drove round one with my hand on my horn since I'd slipped and daren't straighten my hands to stop the horn in case I drove off the roundabout wrong.
So it went VERY badly. And I'm so scared and freaked out I'm not sure I want to learn to drive now... I am aware I might feel better next time we do it, maybe it just surprised me and freaked me out. Still I'm feeling pretty traumatized today, and sleeping on it hasn't improved my mood.

RIP Bailey

2011-08-22T17:43:00.000+01:00

RIP Bailey - Aged 3 years. Kara will miss you.

New Crap for Old

2011-08-15T12:43:00.002+01:00

It never fails to amaze me what some people will buy on Ebay. I'm trying to sell some of my old stuff so I can go out and buy nice shiny new stuff. I totally get it when you sell DvD's, Games etc. on Ebay 'cause we've been buying those babies second-hand for years now. But buying a rubber ducky the length of my thumb.... for well into £20 ($40)...that's just crazy.

I know Ernie, I can't believe it either.

Clearly all this news about gold being the one of the most precious metals has been a decoy from these little yellow babies. Cha-chinga. Guess what I'm filling my bank balance and bath with.

Hang on to that, it's going to put you through college

All partied out

2011-08-12T08:15:00.000+01:00

I had a terrific day, full of swashbuckling, crabs, whale watching and wet feet. I'd talk more about it but in 45 minutes I am going for my FIRST EVER driving lesson....eeep! And I really need to go get dressed. In the meantime, since I may well crash into something and die, thanks for all my birthday messages :) and I'll leave you with a picture of me aged..um...count the candles.

4! Yeah, I was 4 I remember now...

You're never too old to....

2011-08-11T06:22:00.041+01:00

Today is my birthday - woot - and for the first time ever it's raining in August - I mean -WTH? So we're off to the seaside to go crabbing, eat some seafood and go on a boat ride as planned....but apparently all in the falling rain - woot?

So last night I baked myself a cake ('cause seriously, who else is gonna?) But since I'm a little "troubled" when it comes to baking I had a little bit of help from Barbie and Dr.Oetker, cause we're friends ya'll.
Because it's MY cake, what I say goes which is why I made it the way I did, full of sugar and all the things momma used to hide on the top-shelf of the baking cupboard...like sprinkles.....mmmmn...sprinkles.

Can you tell what is it yet?

So I figured I can't go too wrong with the pre-weighed help of two professionals....

I sure hope that batter rises and fills the tin up

Uh-oh doesn't look too hopeful..

Mmmmmmn brownies

Can you believe that I freaking MADE these, they look so yummy!!

Staging area for adding weird icing to the top of my cupcakes

Yes it looks like doggy doo-doo but it really isn't, I tried dying it blue but there isn't enough dye in the work to turn that yellow icing blue. Throw on everything sugar coated in the cupboard and ta-da.......

My Princess (brownie and cupcake) castle cake!! WOOOHOOOO!
See-ya all after my sugar coma!

Erin Brockovich through time....

2011-08-10T14:34:00.001+01:00

We've been watching some Julia Roberts DvD's recently and have come to the realisation that Julia Roberts seems to pretty much play ONE character in every movie...let me elaborate..

Erin Brockovich explains where she got all her children from (Pretty Woman)
Erin Brockovich gets a rubbish temp PR job (America's Sweethearts)
Erin Brockovich takes up photography as a hobby (Closer)
Erin Brockovich decides to use her past to cosy up to Hugh grant...much like Liz Hurley did... (Notting Hill)
Erin Brockovich does the whole madonna thing and gets some new kids (stepmom)
Erin Brockovich goes on Holiday (Eat Pray Love)
Erin Brockovich get sick (Steel Magnolias)
Erin Brockovich gets old and dies (Fireflies in the Garden) **terrible movie don't bother watching it**

Yup, pretty sure that other than the actual Erin Brockovich movie, she keeps up the same role, with different issues to overcome.

Why I'm going to hell in a fast car...

2011-08-09T15:00:00.001+01:00

Here is an account from the theme park as to why I'm off to hell...and surprise, surprise involves my "parenting" abilities...or lack of.
Devil has been on the runaway Croc for at least twenty circuits and decided he, Karma, D and I should go on the runaway train. So D and Karma head to the back of the ride and Devil and I head to the front of the runaway train...

Now the runaway train is quite mild, it has one big (ish) drop, is very fast with lots of tight turns and is a family ride, but a family ride for the older, braver kids and lasts maybe 30 seconds a circuit including the climb.

We go past the first drop and Devil and I scream together and all is fine and dandy...the ride pulls back into the station and Devil turns to me

"I didn't really like it"

I pause for dramatic effect before saying to him... "I'm so sorry baby.....it goes round twice"

At which point Devil screeches "But I'm not ready yet!!!!!" before clinging into me. I turn my head to D several rows back who asks me how it went and I give him the 'thumbs down' then turn back and put my arms round Devil and say encouraging things to him as well as trying to shelter him from the worst bumps and g-force......while he screams and I try not to laugh out loud.

When we got off though he was totally fine after a matter of seconds announcing he liked it but doesn't want to go on again...
We had an awesome day, I have pictures but they're on D's phone so I guess I'll get them around Christmas...

Pretty Little Liars

2011-08-06T12:01:00.000+01:00

I'm so mad at my cable company right now. I was bored flicking through the TV when I found the 'Pretty Little Liars' season one box-set for free viewing. I remembered seeing the advert of some girl getting words like whore carved into her forehead and figured it looked interesting so I started watching.
Now the show is clearly trying too hard to be "mysterious" and by trying too hard at times it's totally laughable, but all the same I'm, hooked I just want to know who A is and what happened all those nights ago.
So I get to the "end" of season 1 (which is episode 12).... and there was no "cliff-hanger" or reveal. So I started googling Season 2.
This is when I found out that season one actually has 24 episodes, and that my cable company has only put half the series on as "entire series 1." I'm so mad, we don't get the channel for PLL over here so the free box-set was my only chance to see it. Now I'm going to have to buy the actual box set just to see what happens - since I don't want to "read" about it.
Stupid cable company...the last time they did this I only got to watch half of series two of pushing up daisies to discover they'd only put half of the box-set on!! Lazy, stupid, *beeeeping beepers!*
And of course, now I have the theme song stuck on autoloop in my head which is driving D nuts since I keep singing the odd words I can fit to the tune...probably in the wrong order!

True Story

2011-08-01T17:39:00.001+01:00

Guess what happened to me on Saturday....

Only with more jumping and screaming....

So clearly I'm traumatized or at least that was what the last slice of cheesecake I ate told me....wha?.....um....yes TRAUMATIZED. What I thought only happened in movies (and at the start of 'Eastwick') actually happened to me, and to D who was sat next to me....but who cares about that. He's a boy and I'm a squeamish shrieking girl.

I was hopping and jumping while bashing ants off my legs and then proceeded to pretty much strip naked in the middle of the theme park......D stopped me from ripping my trousers off and then chased me down and dragged me away from the peddle-boat lake I attempted jumping into.

All bets are off now, I officially now HATE ants. And I have my suspicions that Captain Black has sent his evil army to get me...

Theme Park WOOOAAAHH!!

2011-07-29T09:14:00.000+01:00

We're off to a theme park tomorrow! I'm so excited because we're taking my lil' brother in laws who have NEVER been to a theme park or a fair before...EVER. So we're keeping it as a big surprise and can't wait to see their faces when they see this whole park full of stuff where they get to go on everything.
I'm slightly worried since they've never been on any rides they'll be lightweights but there are plenty of shows which we can see too.
We've specially picked a kids/family park so we should be able to go on almost everything either together or the boys themselves. -chickens or not-
The only problem is that I'm going to have to be the brave one now who holds hands and has courage....when I'm usually the one screaming my head off on a pirate ship....
You may be thinking ... "Holly it's a kid's park there is nothing scary."
Well let me take you back to Disneyland 2003.
*tinkly flash-back music*
We'd gone to Disneyland for a course I was doing at college where we spend mornings and evenings learning how Disneyland works as a "for profit" organization and then the day time playing in the park - BEST. CLASS. EVER.
My friend Bee and I had free rein so we'd decided to hit the "fairytale" park area. We got on the Snow White ride (and were the only people who did) crammed ourselves into the kiddie seating and set off. We began making fun of the ride and pretending to be scared letting out little shrieks at the evil queen etc. Then the ride picked up speed and we began to scream....interjected with laughter while clinging to each other....and after a short while screaming wasn't a "game" any more, we were genuinely being spooked. When we exited the ride, there were twelve park staff stood waiting for us.
I don't know what they thought had happened......so we went on the ride again to avoid the looks of "what the HELL is wrong with you" and of course....screamed even louder this time.
Not to mention when Pluto ACCOSTED me and wouldn't let me go until I kissed him (and all I could think was ewwwwwwww kid germs on his face) and don't forget that Mickey Mouse tried to RUN ME OVER in his little car.
Yeah....I'm sure there is nothing to worry about since I got that "Disney Characters Restraining Order" which kinda keeps me out of Disneyland.

Theory Test Time

2011-07-28T11:16:00.001+01:00

I vanished for the last 24 hours because I'd suddenly realised that I had my driving theory booked for TODAY and I hadn't revised at.all.
In the last 24 hours I have read 946 pages of the theory test book - joy - practised my hazard perceptions test.......and then panicked because it turns out I'm not very perceptive of hazards. But all in all.....

WOOHOOO! I got 50/50 on my theory (hehe) and then mainly 5 and 4 points per hazard (5 is max) but i did mess up and score 2x 3points and 1x 2points so I really am pretty weak on them.
The stupid thing is that some hazards were ridiculous. People were literally throwing themselves into on-coming traffic and giant lorries were trying to u-turn in front of me when I was on a dual carriageway etc. It was all slightly farcical. I also found I was leaning back in my chair trying to not get hit by the stupid people. But now I am ONE STEP CLOSER to completing my dream of passing my driving test. My lessons start in a week and are of the intensive kind, so I can be taking my test before mid-September!!

Finally I'd like to thank all the "actors" who threw themselves in front of on-coming traffic just so I could take and pass my test.
And if anyone else in the UK is taking theirs soon the 'Driving Test Success' CD ROM set was a GODSEND!

Introducing my Arch Nemesis

2011-07-26T13:43:00.002+01:00

A few weeks ago I launched an application to become my Arch Nemesis. If you didn't get change to read that post you can do so here. There was one applicant that was too brilliantly planned out not to accept.
Now I can now ~~proudly, horrifyingly, angrily, evilly~~ present my Arch Nemesis.

CAPTAIN BLACK

Who I imagine looks a little something like Captain Black from from Captain Scarlet and the Mysterones

Captain Black is also potentially half Zombie - given the photographic evidence......oh yes....and possibly also a puppet.

He/She also has "qualifications in Fencing and Martial Arts so I am apt in combat. I am also English so I have the accent to go with the "Evil Arch Nemesis" role."

And is, of course, totally evil.

Apparently he/she also holds the ability to alter my font mid-blog so my posts look bizarre. (and I have no idea how to fix it)

Captain Black's location (other than England) is unknown, please note the image above is a photograph of A Captain Black but possibly not THE Captain Black and may or may not represent Captain Black's true likeness.

Tune in again, SAME time, SAME blog, NEXT WEEK for any updates on Captain Black's evil doings.

Because you know he/she is out there......being evil.

Fitting Room Madness

2011-07-23T10:15:00.001+01:00

Yesterday I'd headed out of town to run some errands and decided to pop into a cheap-ish clothes store to try find some green cloth trousers to lounge around in. I picked up my size in trousers (12 in this country) and toddled off to the fitting room. When I got there (dragging my big noisy trolley) there was no attendant stood waiting, but one of the cubicles had the door shut...

Person in Cubicle, possibly attendant: HELLO?
Me : Hello
PINPA: HELLO?
ME: HELLO?
PINPA: Can you hear me?
ME: YES
PINPA ...... continues talking loudly.........on her mobile....

In which I realise I'm an idiot and get all embarrassed.
But our shouted conversation at least gets the attention of an ACTUAL attendant who grants me access to the magical shape-altering changing room.

I tried on the size 12 and it was like a pregnancy pant. I could fit both my hands in and pull it a good way away from my tummy. Then when I went to put MY jeans back on - they also wouldn't fit and kept slipping off.....which is odd as they fit just fine before the magical changing room. In the end I had to buy a size lower and probably could have gone down another size, but since I want them for lounging (lounging also involves eating junk food while sprawled like a ~~fat pig~~ Greek goddess) I figured the extra bit of give couldn't hurt.

My conclusion: just walking into the magical cubicle lost me 1/2 a stone. I'm SO going back next week :P

Cookie Recipe or 'baking this makes so-so biscuits'

2011-07-21T11:46:00.000+01:00

Today's blog is short and effortless (because I'm feeling lazy and I need to be out all day) I promise it will be long and better tomorrow (but I'm lying because I'm lazy and out of town tomorrow too) unless something awesome happens when I'm out today.
I was asked for the recipe for the cookies so here it is.
Maybe someone else want's to try it and spare my feelings and tell me it's terrible!

I found it by googling "easy cookie recipe."
And last night while I was in bed I considered that perhaps that was the problem.....so I got up today and first thing I did was to Google "hardest cookie recipe."
If I'm gonna suck at something let's suck at a 'mans game.'

Hazzah, sugar cookie failure here I come!!!
(or at least in a bit when I'm not so ~~lazy~~ I mean.....busy...yeah...busy)

Need a chef, or at least a half decent kitchen assistant

2011-07-20T16:29:00.000+01:00

Today I suddenly decided, mid accounting and mid listings that I really fancied some cookies. But we don't have any in. So in an attempt to kill two birds with one stone (get cookies and clean kitchen) I decided to start baking.
Now I'm sure you all recall my secret cookie war. For some unknown reason I can make roast joints, bake cakes, serve rare delicacies and they are scrumptious, but try my hand at cookies, biscuits and brownies and it's a TOTAL fail.

Today I was SO hopeful.
The recipe was so basic that a child could do it, supposedly.
And I was comforted by other people's comments like;
"Hi Rachel,
thank you so much for the recipe. i always thought cookie baking was the most complicated thing in the whole world. you made it soo easy, no baking powder and no eggs is the kind of cooking that we dig and now possible all because of you."
So I was pretty certain I couldn't mess up.

I was wrong.

I tell you now I FOLLOWED the RECIPE. I did honestly I did, it was so basic not even I could screw it up. But when I reached my 13-15 minutes cooking time.....they still weren't done. In fact a whole 45 minutes later they still weren't looking done either, they were squidgy still, so not being a quitter I flipped them over like pancakes and put them back in.

It's been an hour and they still don't look too great. I haven't tried one yet, and D's not around as a test subject so I keep poking them on the cooling rack and giving them dubious looks.

If anyone has a fool-proof (and trust me it needs to be fool-proof) recipe I can try leave it below. I'll try out every recipe I get and post all the results and who-ever can finally get me making a successful batch gets......um.....I don't know what, a trophy or something.
Help.

Hell YEAH!

2011-07-19T12:01:00.000+01:00

Wowza! I found this while strolling across the interweb!

Elephant Mahout Training
Four Seasons Tented Camp, Northern Thailand
You can do anything from half a day to three days depending just how much of an elephant fan you are, working side-by-side with local mahouts - expert trainers in the 2,000-year-old Thai tradition of elephant care. Guests interact directly with the rescued elephants, learning about the animals and their well-being from the mahouts, who also demonstrate the fundamentals of elephant driving. Which brings us to the best bit. Pachyderm trekking through the jungle. The camp also includes bathing and feeding the elephants and collecting them from their night-time feeding grounds.

OMG SIgn me up, and show me how! This would completely tick off the FIRST item on my 100 by 100 list, methinks it's time to beat D into submission, or just plain ol' take my girlfriends and go, after all it's only three days so we could fly out, do it, and then fly home. Hell yeah, MINIBREAK, whose with me!

Where are the batteries for the darned camera!

2011-07-18T16:19:00.000+01:00

It's B-day over here for three little kittehs, but I get the feeling we're going to need a do-over tomorrow since the camera is either broken or none of the three sets of batteries I put in it are charged.
Their gift has not arrived - speedy mail order my ass!
It's raining, it's pouring the kittehs are snoring.
And are acting mopey - maybe because they realise momma is throwing them a really crappy birthday, by shoving them away as she tries to do her accounts.

They were born somewhere between midday on the 18th and midday on the 19th. Since their biological momma had gone walkies overnight and returned with the kittehs on the 19th. So maybe a two day birthday can be excused.

We've bought them a Frolicat Dart and really hope it arrives tomorrow, I was so sure I'd upload some cute kitteh craziness photos and videos today but apparently --- not.
Hopefully tomorrow birthday act 2 will be more of a success.

In the meantime SIX cats have come to my door today, some I have never seen before, so I'm guessing they were expecting a party or something??
Oh, and I had three mice on the lawn...perhaps that attracted them?

I know ya'll weren't thinking sweet thoughts for me!

2011-07-15T13:31:00.000+01:00

Ick ick ick ick!
I took the medicine yesterday before I went and I managed the first 5ml spoonful okay - tastes like lemon sherbets but a very bitter unpleasant after-taste. No biggie.
The other medicine, the one I had to take 25ml's of - --- but that I was only provided the equipment for getting 10ml doses out of the bottle ---- went less well.
The first 15ml's were okay, it smelled and tasted like toffee sauce...for about 3 seconds. Then the burning acid bitter horrendous flavour came out. On my 20ml spoonful I actually vomited into my mouth and started cramming biscuits and lemonade down to try keep the whole dose down. Needless to say I had to wait another ten minutes before taking the final dose --- so it didn't reappear on the kitchen floor --- and then hop round on one foot trying not to barf. Delightful.

It gets better.

For the procedure I was half-naked...did I really need SIX other people in the room with me ---- my guess is no. Although the wonderful nurse who offered me her hand in the procedure talked me through it while I was in agony and trying not to cry, she stroked my head and assured me it would be over soon and that I could do this. I'm not sure I'd have managed not to have kicked and punched those around me if it wasn't for her, at one point I was in agony and trying to breathe through feeling like I was being ripped apart, they reassured me they could stop and re-start when the doctor got in the room but I shook my head, the sooner it's over the better. They did scream for the doctor to come immediately so it could be over, which was great. And afterwards feeling a bit sheepish now it was over and less painful they all were very sympathetic saying it is a very painful thing to have done and I did great.

Afterwards I didn't lose my sight "YAY" BUT ----- I did suffer with chronic diarrhoea which is a rare side-effect of the procedure and the drugs I was on, guess it wasn't my day.
I was under strict "stay off your feet" orders and D had to pander to my every whim, which would have been awesome were I keeping anything down and not writhing on the sofa whimpering.

It was horrible. The only plus was viewing my inners on the screen behind my head which looked like someone had set a firework off in them with all these squiggly trails of dye and organs. Hopefully the test will be clear, otherwise I have to have the same again but while unconscious and open in surgery. Joy happy happy joy joy. We'll get the results soon. I hope they are clear or something minor and easily resolved has been picked up. I really don't want to do any more procedures I want to move on to the solution.

Drugs don't work they just make me worse, till I'm ready to kick some ASS

2011-07-13T16:01:00.000+01:00

Well I go in for my "procedure" tomorrow, I'd tell you what it's called but all I remember is BLAHBLAHBLAH-SPING-BLAHBLAH-OGRAM. Before I go I have to take antibiotics to stave off any potential infection. Now I have a pill problem rooted in my childhood. I.CANNOT.TAKE.PILLS. Four out of five times I take a painkiller I end up gagging/vomiting it back up. So when the doctor told me I'd have to take two pills in the morning before I go and then one pill a day for four more days, I figured I could maybe manage that.
Then I picked the pills up today.
I have to take 5 count them 5 pills before I go, and two when I return followed by three a day for four more days....you may think I'm over reacting but that's A-LOT of drugs! To make matters worse, the pills are MAHUSSSIVE! Imagine the size of your thumbnail and you've got them. The pills also have crazy instructions the "zippy" pills need to be taken with an hour gap of each other. and then two hours must be left after the final pill before anything else... so for those it's 4 hours of coaxing a pill down plus two hours break. Then I have to have a full tummy to take the second "miz" GIANT pill. My appointment is at 10am...this would mean I have to get up at 3am just to take some pills, even if I didn't have a problem that's crazy.

I rang D in floods of tears sure I can't take them and thinking I might die if I have the procedure and don't. Eventually someone calmed me down...I think it was Emmzie...maybe I rang her after D....and got me to call the pharmacy, explain why I have a problem and ask if they can help. And bless them they offered to exchange them for a suspension liquid. Now I only have to take 25ml of liquid and then another 5ml of liquid before I go....that sounds much more manageable.. no matter how foul it tastes. Think nice sweet coated thoughts for me tomorrow, I'm going to need them!!

Unwanted Vacation Procedure

2011-07-12T13:41:00.000+01:00

I'm having a "procedure" done at the hospital on Thursday and while it's basic but evasive it has all kinds of scary bad side-effects and I'm a bit freaked out about it. (let me tell you it involves nothing to do with my eyes but it says it can cause temporary BLINDNESS after!!!) I'll be back on here after it's done as I can't concentrate to write (other than to moan and bitch and worry) which makes awesome reading I know. I hope you can all understand this and stay tuned for these fine future blogs;

*Unveiling my Arch Nemesis*
*Battlestar Galactica Drinking Game*
*How I sound and why I'm cringing*
*Evasive procedures and why they suck* (or possibly retitled 'my life now I'm temporarily blind')
and finally
*How to test your cat's sanity*

I'll be back soon ----- promise

Trips

2011-07-08T13:11:00.000+01:00

We've been all over the place this week, D surprised me with train tickets and reservations in another town for a fancy Italian meal, so here is a montage in pictures of our time.

Picnic in 'da park :)

As D said, a very kids-junk-food orientated picnic

Getting ready for our trip in my new freshly purchased dress :)

D's took me to the train station, left me on the platform while he purchased the tickets, then bundled me on a train heading to Sheffield. This is when i discovered I like "surprises" in theory only, and when on a train with no idea of the destination a small ball of "abduction" panic balled up in my stomach. Apparently I'm a control freak.

My dessert which looked an awful lot like the leaning tower of Pisa as it wobbled all over my plate.

This stupid horse picture RUINED my meal, it was priced at £295 and called "A Horse Rearing." In what frikkin' world is that a picture of a horse rearing, it's legs? The legs are the wrong shape to be rearing this horse looks like it was drawn to have arms. So (suspecting that the painter painted a horse standing, then just rotated the picture) I rotated the image, nope can't be that either as the shoulder is too far forwards - stupid, stupid, painting.

And finally me waiting for the train home, with blurry arms :)

D nearly got me a Puppy

2011-07-07T16:49:00.000+01:00

For our anniversary I got D a kid's bow & arrow and badminton set - which we took great delight knocking into next doors yard - hehehe - I mean --- ooops
..and D very nearly bought me this in Toys R Us it was just so ...... cute....it NEEEEEEEEDED me..... it's eyes are sooo *....trust me with your pin number....* and the giraffe on display had tiny little arms so it could Give me a HUUG.... though it's eyes said "then I KEEL you!"

D actually bought me a Stunt Kite! (We'd had a kids kite on our honeymoon and it broke and we ran four miles down the beach laughing to try catch it) - The stunt Kite however caused major arguments on "who had the right idea to fly the kite" neither of us did, since it never took off the ground. But with a little luck we'll maybe get a windy day and a do-over.

Anniversa-rush

2011-07-06T16:47:00.000+01:00

I am back, D didn't ship me off to Alaska, murder me on a delightful picnic or anything other than trying to strand me in a tree so all is good. We had a great few days out and I have lots to share if I can just get these darned photos off D's new phone. *smacks it on the counter* Stupid piece of tech....*shakes over laptop* get.in.my.COMPUTER. Pffft.
When D gets fed up of my beating on his phone he'll come do some wizardiness to make the photo's appear so I can use them. Don't get me wrong if we'd taken the photo's with the camera I'd be all uploading their asses. But since we used his stupid "there's a dice game that's not a game so stop playing with it Holly" phone they are encased in plastic screen and won't.come.out.

For now D has more time off work so we're off SHOPPPPIING tomorrow at this huge mall to buy me US some new threads. Oh it's been soooo long since I bought clothes...well except that dress I bought for our anniversary....but before then (being self-employed doesn't exactly buy me new stuff) I wear things I owned for years (yes some things are 8 years old and no they don't still fit) and tomorrow I have a shiny £140 of D's tax-rebate to spend on CLOTHES - OH BABY YES!

In the meantime, thanks for the compliments on my wedding dress, it was gorgeous, I part designed it and rather than spending thousands I managed to get it made by a lovely Chinese woman for just £106 and it's made with Chinese silk and satin. The train is embroidered, took her ages and it's just wonderful. I'd never imagined my wedding dress as a kid but if I had, my word this would have been it.
And for those who said viewing the whole album was fine...you bought this on yourselves :P

Two anniversaries in one

2011-07-03T14:52:00.000+01:00

‎1 year ago today I'd just had my "road accident." I smashed my face in, broke a bone in my wrist and messed my knees up for life (I still can't kneel down) - that's the reason I'm not crossing/going near ANY road's today. You know they'll just try to finish me off!
And not only am I marking the one year anniversary since I looked in the mirror and freaked out at the mangled mess that was my face, but tomorrow it's also D's & my 3rd Wedding Anniversary.
As such we have picnic plans - weather willing and I'm being taken somewhere "posh" for a meal at night and my only instructions are to "dress up....(wedding dress anyone?)"
- we're so off to Macdonalds...I just know it.
So I'm going to "bounce" fo' now. I'll be back in a few days with, I'm sure, tales to tell.

Since I refused to let D take a photo of my mangled face, here's how I looked 3 years ago tomorrow.

Okay, so here's another, it's my anniversary ya'll just be glad I don't pull out the WHOLE ALBUM....yeah...counting yourself lucky now aren't ya!

WANTED : Arch Nemesis

2011-07-01T08:23:00.000+01:00

A couple of weeks ago Thoughtsy asked the blogging world to provide her with applications to be her wife, and we did. They got married, didn't invite me - oh yes I NOTICED that thoughtsy! And are living happily ever after surrounded by zombies and pop-tarts.

Well it occurred to me that what I really want (other than a puppy and some chocolate) is an arch nemesis.
A nemesis who tries to foil my day, and who I try to foil the plans of. And someone to blame when the stuff hits the proverbial fan. I want an arch nemesis purely for comedy and competition purposes, after all what good 'Shrimp Girl' superhero doesn't have an evil mastermind that needs thwarting?

Sadly D cannot be considered as an arch nemesis and the only people in my life worthy of being an arch-nemesis are too boring to bother with - yes BW I'm looking at you.
I know what you're thinking right now, why don't I just use my neighbours - good question - well due to that court ruling I can't come within blah feet of said party --- nah D made me PROMISE on my future puppy's LIFE that I won't go rumbling* in the neighbourhood. All bets are off though if they annoy me again.

So answers on a postcard, do you have what it takes to be my arch nemesis?

Job Description of an Arch Nemesis

Must have an awesome 'arch nemesis' name
Must have an evil laugh
Must be into healthy rivalry and one-up-man-ship
Must have evil (or ordinary) plans which (they don't realise) need thwarting.
Has to have a good sense of humour and a practical joke side.
Hopefully can draw a cartoon version of self in 'arch nemesis' costume.
Will get a special link on my sidebar so peoples know who you are ---------------------->
Must be willing to be blamed for all of life's mishaps and computer errors.

Must realise 'arch-nemesis' is a just-for-fun title and we will not actually be going to war, but I'm up for a bit of inter-blog combat.

Would you make a good arch-nemesis? If so why? Apply below - if you don't I'll have to go after D and then who will protect da ' hood!

A Cautionary Tale

2011-06-30T08:54:00.000+01:00

Years ago I fell out with my vet surgery - we now have a different one - for being ridiculously cruel to Kitalpha and I. I also learned an important lesson which is worth passing on.
I'd like to point out before i tell this tale that I've had cats before but never a litter of new-born kittens so trusting what other people who'd had kittens said isn't such a naive move. (You'd think they'd know what they're talking about)

I was sitting with my friend in the living room when Kitalpha aged 2 flopped into the room wheezing, concerned I dropped to her level when she began to spew white froth across the floor. I scooped her up and Kitalpha was struggling to inhale, I tried to help her but white stuff was flying out her nostrils and she sounded like she was drowning.
Panic hit me so I grabbed the phone and rang the vets.
Let me add we were regular's at the vets, we had three cats and my vet was only 500 yards down the road so I was always popping in for flea treatments, examinations etc.

I explained the situation
VET : We can't see her until 4pm (it was 11am)
ME : This is an EMERGENCY
VET: 4pm
ME: SHE CAN'T BREATHE

At this point Kitalpha is barely breathing and white froth is still pouring out her mouth.

I then had to explain to the vet I didn't get paid until tomorrow (this was back in the poor days when D was jobless and we had no money to make ends meet) I asked if they could please see her that I'd pay them tomorrow, they know where I live and they know me and THEY REFUSED.
NO MONEY. NO SAVEY CATS LIFEY.
I was livid and passed the phone to my friend who tried to discuss a solution with them. My panic levels were rising and Kitalpha was getting worse and worse. I grabbed her face and blew into her nose and started rubbing her belly. I swung her in the air (as you do a baby lamb) to try get liquid out of her lungs and then,
with one ginormous sneeze, white globules flew out of her nose and across the room --- and she began to breathe again.
I took the phone back, told the vets that since they were unwilling to help my cat when she was in such dire straits they could go to hell and I'd be actively spreading the word to all my fellow pet owners to avoid them.

I was so scared about what had happened particularly as it had come out of the blue.....all became clear though when I walked into the second bedroom to find the floor swimming in thick white liquid.

Earlier that day I'd made some fudge, I'd been advised by many cat owners that condensed milk was fine for cats and even used to help feed kittens. I knew milk is ill advised but I was told repeatedly by different people that condensed milk is the exception - so I gave Kitalpha a small dish of left-over milk while I was cooking.
It turns out condensed milk is VERY bad for cats and causes severe problems and allergic reactions. These cat owners who swear blind they fed their cats and kittens the milk have either been extremely lucky, or are lying.

I'll never forget is how heartless my vet surgery was. My new surgery is wonderful, I've had appointment's before that have costed me a pittance (£3) and they always have the time to talk even if you just phone up for some free advice. I'll never forget the mistake I made and how it nearly cost Kitalpha her life and that condensed milk & cats is a NO-NO!

I waz not that much troblez waz iz? (yes she's illiterate)

If sunbeams were weapons of war, we would have had solar energy centuries ago

2011-06-29T08:41:00.000+01:00

My last few days have been a flurry of activity. I'm booked to take my business to our towns massive gala in September and will hopefully ~~make my fortune~~ get some publicity. I've had the joy of trawling through a toy wholesaler's brochure looking for groan sticks, sparkly batons and other such cheerful items which are perfect for the gala.

On Sunday & Monday we had a heatwave where leaving the house was like walking into a wall of dry heat, which was great, but made everyone at least half as productive as normal. Tuesday it rained and looked dark and stormy and today it's back to it's summer heat again. It's such a lovely change from the cold winter we "suffered" through.

Kitalpha has been testing how much she can get away with, when I popped upstairs to send an email she took it upon herself to eat the ham off my salad. I came downstairs to her on hind-legs licking her lips. Needless to say Kitalpha was soon running the gauntlet to escape my scoldings and got relegated to the yard - rain or no rain - while I re-made and ate my dinner. We had make-up cuddles later so all is right in her world again, since she gets super whiny and clingy when I'm mad at her.

So that's my week so far! Boring huh?

If you would like to read the latest blog from Adamontise, the link is below :)

The Hunger Games Review on Adamontise Blog

The 4 worst movies that totally sucked but had one redeeming moment

2011-06-28T10:26:00.000+01:00

These movies are, in my impression, a total waste of a rental space. We've watched them, usually based on brilliant reviews and by halfway through we've wanted to stab the reviewer. 5 star comedy my ass!
In all truly terrible movies there is a moment (usually only one) which uplifts our attitudes for a few seconds. It can be bizarre, funny, cringeworthy or entertaining and it's usually what we remember about the movie - other than that it sucked. And because most of the redeeming moments are rude or crude, here is your "you must be over 18 to read-on" warning!

Here are my applicants for the '4 worst movies that totally sucked but had one redeeming moment.'

#4 'Lie with Me'
Terrible movie which wasn't so much a movie as porn. We, of course, didn't know this until we'd already got the darned thing playing and noticed the cast had never heard of a little thing called underwear.
Redeeming Moment: The guy had a teeny tiny little "appendage" it was so, so small I freeze framed the screen and tried to measure it. It's no bigger than a pack a gum and even that is a generous measure. This turned the film into a "OMG look at him, why would he make a porn movie if he doesn't have anything worth filming?" movie with me cackling and freeze framing. (it was my 21st birthday and I was a little drunk)
Since then the lead has appeared in many other films and shows. Usually not nekkid and as a baddie. I canNOT take him seriously as an actor, I've seen inside those trousers and there is nothing to fear about that baddie. That and his stupid hair cut and facial hair, you'd think he'd TRY to distance himself from 'lie with me' -- he's not PROUD of it is he?

#3 Sideways
We'd seen the trailer for sideways and it looked funny, even the DVD box gave it 5 stars for comedy. When we put the film on though we soon realised the ONLY funny moments were shown in the trailer, other than that the movie sucked.
Redeeming Moment: When they crash the car into the tree while drunk, it was featured in the UK trailer and was the ONLY reason we wanted to see the movie.

#2 Hamlet 2
This movie, again promised comedy and was just terrible. Imagine a really bad (or worse) version of glee and you've got it.
Redeeming Moment: The musical at the end, including the songs 'Raped in the face' (totally shocked us into hysterical giggles) and "rock me sexy Jesus" and not forgetting Hamlet (no idea why) fighting with lightsabre's.
Here's the trailer for you.

#1 Death to Smoochy
It promised to take the mickey out of Barney and other stupid kids shows, and oh how it failed, there are a few good moments but the plot is just terrible and could have been so much better. They turned Robin Williams into a bitter twisted character rather than a comically desperate one.
Redeeming Moment: Robin Williams dressed as a big purple dinosaur, singing to kids while intoxicated on liquor and barfing into his costume...best-clip-ever.

The three thing's I've learned:

1) If the trailer looks awesome the film will probably suck
2) Avoid anything that says "From the makers of Sideways"
3) 5 star-ratings are obviously paid for and mean a film sucks

It's not everyday I have such awesome ideas

2011-06-27T09:19:00.000+01:00

Me : When I have our future child I want to give birth in a swing
D : WHAT?
Me: It would probably have to be a sex-swing since I'd probably need to be "held up"
D: What?
Me: I just think a swing might be really good for getting natural forces to help ease the baby out
D: Right
Me: I'd be all PUSH------PUSH---------WHEEEEEEEEE----------PUSH
D: *starts laughing* higher, higher
Me: Of course someone would have to have a giant net ready to catch the baby as it whooshes out
D: A designated catcher?
Me: and when it did it would be a BABY SHOWER!!!

I've been getting my hands dirty!

2011-06-23T12:13:00.000+01:00

From digging my first ever border

Growing some lettuce

And generally getting my hands dirty, and it was all for the sake of a blog!
I'm really looking forward to planting some flowers though, hopefully with all the extra hard work I've put in I'll be better at keeping my plants alive! I'm very proud of what I've achieved, I've never done it before and as D did diddly squat to help me, it feels like a mega achievement.
Now because I know some of you may be lazy....uhhuh....I'm looking at you......I've going to go ahead and give you that link again so go ahead and "click" it, it sure took a lot of planning and effort to write.

C'mon now I KNOW you didn't click it yet....last chance...we have cookies!

*~Disclaimer: we don't have cookies~*

*~Further Disclaimer: We do have cookies, but they're not for you~*

Lost in Translation

2011-06-21T16:29:00.000+01:00

You may recall my previous run-in with the neighbours I share a drive with.
Last night the son knocked on my door to have a conversation with me from his dad, and everything went wrong from there, due to a language break-down I was about ready to declare war.
This takes place in my front yard, with the son from next door while the Father glares at me from his car.
Neighbour: "My English is not so good so I'll try explain. My dad would like to pleasurable you."

*Whaa - huh? Okay I am just going to smile and assume he's gotten the word wrong.*
Neighbour: "The cat sheets in the garden, the garden full of sheet. Sheet, sheet, more sheet. "

*Here a sheet there a sheet everywhere a sheet sheet*

Neighbour: "We spend much money on plants but they are decimated"

*Hey...you know "decimated" but tell me he wants to "pleasurable" me, what's that about?*

Neighbour: "My father wants put down the um ...um...um...thing i show you before.

Me: "The slug pellets?"

Neighbour: "Yes he want's to do that to stop it."

Me: Okay, well I'm really sorry they are going to the toilet in your garden, we have a litter tray in the house, which the boy uses, we have dug up part of the back garden to encourage them to use it themselves but one of my girls just goes where she wants, in the wood, garden, box it's just how they are she just uses the toilet where she likes, there's not a lot I can do. I am sorry she's going in your garden though.

Neighbour: "We are going to put this stuff down so I tell you so you can get them in"

Me: "Um...okay I'll get them in, I can't say it'll be immediate but I'll call them home."

So I go back inside and it suddenly occurs to me that they are going to use slug POISON to stop my cats toileting in their yard.....and suddenly..I'm angry.

D comes home and tells me to go back round and explain it won't stop them it will just make them sick, he tells me to go sort it out calmly.
I tell him I'm going to go round and tell them they should move and that if they kill my cats I will kill them, starting with the youngest first.
D tells me to stop being irrational and stupid. I tell D if the cats die it's his fault and I'll kill him too.

The neighbours had gone out so before I started burning bits of their house D suggested we went to the garden centre to buy "cat off" repellent which is harmless to pets but then we are extending the hand of friendship yadda yadda.
So we walk to the garden centre, for the whole hour journey I rant about the situation while D gives me "sideways" looks and tells me I'm irrational.

Two hours later we are returning home with the "cat off" and I knock on the neighbours door....

ME: "Hi, we talked earlier about the cats, the slug pellets won't stop them toileting in your garden (see I don't swear at you) they'll just make them sick, so we brought you this, the instructions are on the back but if you spread that over the soil it will put them off."

Neighbour: "Oh...no I meant the SLUGS are killing the plants and because your cat go in my garden it get sick from slug pellets so I warn you I'm using them."

Me: "oh...okay... bye"
(so i was ready to start a war over a miscommunication...)

D : "Wow they were sooooo rude, I can't believe you managed to stay calm, I see now just how unreasonable they were and why you were so mad...." *stares at me in that patronising way*

Me: *punches D's arm* "Oh shut up!"

The 'Not me'

2011-06-19T20:38:00.000+01:00

This morning I had one of those "wonderful" occasions where I wake up (at 6am) and the whole day feels like I'm not me. I'm sure you've had those days too. Where you feel as if you are physically moving one step behind yourself.
The 'not me' however is always super annoying, feeling moody, confused, very groggy and disorientated and I spend the entire day feeling like I'm sat behind someone else who is essentially driving my body for a day.
I never understand why the 'not me' can't be a super productive version who cleans my house, bakes some fresh goodies and irons everything. While the 'real me' sits back with her feet up just coasting along. No, the 'not me' has to be a confused geriatric who can't even remember basic names and tasks. Perhaps it's future me from the year 2086 whose popped her clogs but won a "day in the life of" young me.
She must be very disappointed, I'm never doing anything even remotely interesting when I get occupied by 'not me'.
And to confuse myself further, I actually spend large sections of the day sitting quietly asking myself...if I am me, I sure don't feel like me. I begin to hear 'duuuuuuhhhh?' and high pitched static 'white noise' through my mind at intervals throughout the day, as if, perhaps, future me - is a zombie.
Maybe it's time to get ready for Zomb'ocolypse circa 2086 - you'll know when it's coming, we'll get that oh-so-familiar vacant look in our eyes and start forgetting where we are going and what our names are.

But enough with the side order of crazy, I've got me some working to.....um....what was I doing here again?

If retweet is repeating a tweet is this a reBlog?

2011-06-17T08:33:00.000+01:00

Hoody shared with us yesterday her yelling at the tv habits, which caused me to analyse my own habits too.
I have discovered I actually inform other people on the tv what other tv people are saying about them...e.g.
TV "I really hope Melanie likes me"
ME: "Actually Melanie has been sleeping with your guy and stabbing you in the back so you might wanna whoop her ass"

TV "I don't know what to do with my life"
ME: "I think you should get a job and stop whining...but that's just my opinion"

TV "I put the word dream in team"
ME: "You are really going to regret saying that when they fire your ass"

TV "I hope Jenny likes me too"
ME: *tap tap tap........."can you hear me? You should whoop their asses......tap tap tap......helloooo tv lady I'm trying to help you"

and it doesn't stop there D can be found laughing hysterically as I'm evicted from the cinema for such classics as

MOVIE: "let's all stick together and .........blahblah"
ME: "Noo john's clearly the one whose killing people why have you not noticed he's always conveniently missing and covered in blood?"

MOVIE: *5 minutes in*
ME: "He did it (I'm ALWAYS right) .......... someone should tell the cast"

MOVIE: "So we have to do this?"
ME: "You are all idiots, I figured that out fifty minutes ago and now half your cast has died and you're miles from that location."

And since I've been ill, which I still am by the way, the daytime TV has not stopped. But it feels like my brain has been replaced by a thick fudge-like substance since everything sounds far away and doesn't seem to compute. On a plus though I'm on a Battlestar Galactica Marathon :) oh yesss they rock!

Hopefully I will recover from this horrible bug soon since I don't seem to do much but sit wide mouthed (to breathe ya'll) looking at the tv set, not understanding anything I'm watching. and so many entertaining things have happened in my life but I'm too tired and headachey to want to try write them down yet.

What's the story Morning Glory

2011-06-15T12:55:00.000+01:00

I'm still feeling pretty poorly and weak so we decided to rent a movie on Filmflex.
Morning Glory - the only movie D and I could agree we'd both like that the trailer didn't spoil the ending to - was better than we imagined. It's no Schindler's list but it made us laugh, and kept us entertained for a good hour and 45 minutes. From the creators of 'the Devil wears Prada' it's very similar in style, a young girl trying to climb a career ladder with little experience, who then manages to flourish, get the amazing job so many others would desire and then choose whether or not to take it, yes we've seen it all before. But the dialogue, leads and ideas keep it entertaining. (Although Diane Keaton is just Diane Keaton again)

I think I want Miss. Mcadams Haircut or at least her bangs

On another note I'd like to share two new blogs with you all, they are both business blogs so maybe not as ~~rude~~ entertaining as some of the blogs you usually follow, but I know they both take a lot of work to run and could do with some support and followers.
The first is Ruby & Rose Jewellery. Run by Emily, one half of their team, she blogs as often as she can about life and their gorgeous collections.
The second is Adamontise Oh yes, that is my business blog, updated weekly and while not as chatty as my own, I really hope some of you might check me out there too. Business blogs are a lot of hard work (remaining professional without being too detached) and sadly updating daily pictures of my cats probably wouldn't be too well received, unless I can teach them to read first, but we update the blog about books, reading, authors, events and anything else we find amusing.

That's all from me for now, I'm going to go sit in the corner and cough up a lung.

Still so poorly

2011-06-13T08:45:00.000+01:00

I've had some not too nice moments this weekend, from throwing up from coughing so hard, to struggling to breathe and getting chest pains (heart attack? My arm went numb), but no one has had a worse time than D.
I have behaved like I am dying (because I was) and that D is my own personal slave (because he is).
From miming the word "milk-shake" (really don't ask) to conning him into cooking, running errands and just giving me cuddles. D has had his work cut out for him, and bless him he takes care of me without complaint.
I lost my voice, the ability to swallow, struggled to breathe, couldn't move my neck and now I'm congested to the point of pain.
We're at the hospital in an hour for an appointment for something else...I still think the doc might glance at me and declare me infected with the bubonic plague (caught, I assume from my cats pet mice) so I may be gone for a few days as I'm rushed into quarantine.

Alternately he might give me some wonderful drugs to help take the swelling and temperature down - and they've invented a cure for sneezing right?
We'll I'm off to go infect some more people with my disease, I'll be back in a couple of days since, of course I get sick right before my back to back meetings which are scheduled mon-wed - pfffft.

BLOG TRIVIA : I sneezed 18 times while writing this post - make that 19.

cough hack hack Pity party, table for one.

2011-06-10T09:43:00.000+01:00

My mum has been poorly this week, and because I'm so nice, and stupidly felt invincible I've been spending a lot of time with her. Now I'm poorly, scratch that, now i'm slowly choking to death.
I am currently wearing 3 layers, two dressing gowns and a blanket and I am still shivering, my throat feels like it's been ripped out, my chest feels like someone implanted some concrete while I slept and did I mention I'm freezing?

So I'm curled up with my bottle of buttercup cough syrup (please cure me!) a giant bag of cheese curls, all the ice lollies I can eat and chicken soup. And I feel pretty pitiful. I'd hoped to finish digging up the garden today but it's raining so I guess I wouldn't be able to anyway.
Apparently my gardening attempts are appreciated by Ms. Squirrel who has finally re-attempted using the feeder correctly.
I can't believe I got so sick so fast, the red ants nest I attacked yesterday isn't capable of voodoo right?
Work is a write off today, the idea of moving is off since I'm so COLD! I think a day of TV surfing and video gaming is the best I can hope for...it's a hard life.

Miracle cure?

Business Plan Heckers

2011-06-09T08:08:00.000+01:00

I'm currently writing my companies business plan - which is proving to be worse than anything I have ever had to write before. It's not exactly hard to do, but it is extremely tiring. Sadly just writing the words "I'm awesome, give me money" is not the way to securing a business loan.
So to avoid writing it all in one day, and because there was grave danger of laptop-fall-asleep-on-age I decided to get some fresh air.
Fresh air turned into pulling every scrap (and there was a lot) of ivy off the fences, oiling and fixing the garage door, and beginning digging a border for flowers.
Procrastinating much?
So now I'm SUPER tired, far too tired to now , on the day I planned to finish writing the business plan draft , to open a word document. Oops.
Oh a plus I got this awesome solar powered butterfly thing for my garden which is perhaps the greatest thing ever.
I found some videos on you tube of the butterfly but they seem to all be shot in the shade so........um........nothing is happening........it's like SOLAR POWERED you video taking morons......I'll upload one of mine tomorrow. Just need the sun to wake-up my flutterby up first.

Day out by the canalside

2011-06-08T08:02:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I took a surprise trip out of town to walk by a canal, I spent most of the day opening lock gates, walking and feeding an entire loaf of bread to the inhabitants of the river.
If I'd had the foresight to pack the camera I could now share with you the pictures of the duck and ducklings, strange chinese duck bird thing, and the moor hens, their five babies and imposter moor hen wannabe.
As it is I can only share the stories with you, with photos stolen from google.

These cute little babies were cared for by two moorhens. Both parents would dive around grabbing as much bread as possible before taking it back to the chicks and feeding them. It was just adorable. Another bird, which looked nothing like a moorhen, had made itself part of the family. The baby moorhens were confused by this "other mother" and kept following her to be met by the daddy moorhen screeching them to come back. The "other mother" also fed the babies...and even tried to act like a baby and get fed. The poor parent moorhens seemed to be very confused by it but also happy to let it live with them. We can't be sure if it was a "cuckoo in the nest" and perhaps hatched with the moorhens, it's three times the size of the babies so not too surprising that they are confused.

Along the canal were signs declaring "Beware of Stocky the swan, it's nesting season and he is very protective of mrs. swan." Too right he was, acting all friendly until you bend down and then HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS and he's trying to take your hand-off. I cleverly, positioned other walkers between me and "Stocky" whenever I had to pass him, hehe ~~cannon~~ swan fodder.

So that was my long and exhausting day, I came back with feathers braided into my hair, forgot they were there (I brought them home for the kittehs) and went shopping in town with them still in, I wondered why I received so many weird looks. Once I'd remembered the feathers, my dear Kitalpha was in ecstasy rolling around, feathers clamped between her paws, sniffing and gnawing at them while purring like an engine, so that's so worth it.

Another stupid Advert

2011-06-07T08:02:00.000+01:00

I'm thinking of making a section for all the adverts that are down right ridiculous so they have a place to live on my blog. I can't make it through a week of television without wanting to smash a badly written advert.

This week: Bridgestone Tyres "Your Journey, Our Passion"

Ahem..."A couple is seen leaving a hospital with a new baby, and setting off in the car on a wet night, as screen messages introduce and describe the baby. The father avoids a potential accident by braking hard, and the narrator advises that Bridgestone make tyres that help us stop shorter in the wet. The slogan Your Journey, Our Passion appears on screen."

First the advert makes me, a hormonal woman, care about a newborn...and then tries to scare the bejeebes out of me by nearly killing it. It's done in the style of our "drink drive" government adverts, I get what they are trying to achieve but it's so over-dramatic.

The message I received from this ridiculous advert:

'If you buy our competitors tyres...your baby will die.' - Lovely...

More Nightmares

2011-06-06T08:48:00.000+01:00

I love sharing my nightmares with you, in some vague hope someone else will say "I had that dream too" and I can stop feeling like a crazy person.
Last night I dreamt that I was running down endless corridors in a construction site. Door after door opened into only more corridors and I kept pressing on, sure I was going in the right direction, but everyone I know who I like or likes me (as well as those who don't) could be found scattered through the corridors. They all viewed me like I was a stranger, or crazy, or both.

My wild attempts at dream analysis
I've been reading a lot of "inspirational quotes" about persistence 'ambition is the destination, persistence is the vehicle you arrive in' etc. to try and shake myself out of a lull. I'm feeling stir crazy and need a break, away from home (which is my work) for around 48 hours or so just so I can relax before plunging back into work.
I assume the striving through door after door certain of my direction is a dream metaphor for persistence, I also assume the friends looking at me as strangers is because I don't truly feel like anyone really understands how I'm feeling and why I feel so deflated. I've been doing this job for ten months, every day, all day. It's constantly on my mind so even when I shut the laptop down I have this niggling feeling I have more work to get done. And I just feel like a need a small holiday, maybe just a couple of trips out for the day and I'll be fine, relaxing at home turns into me feeling guilty I'm not working harder.

Gosh that turned into a self-pitying whine!

Your homework is to have a dream this week (I don't know how to achieve the dream state, take some drugs or something...wait did I just "pro-drugs?" forget that...watch a disturbing movie and then fall asleep...no wait pick a fight with someone and then fall asleep and dream-you can work it out, that sounds the safest option, so long as they aren't "packing heat".)
Then write about it...yes, that's right, It's that time of the month again...serial killer check time...

I am Magical

2011-06-03T18:17:00.000+01:00

A post that's only slightly better than my previous post

Me: *Cough Splutter*..*hack*....WOW!!!
D: What?
Me: I just coughed a bubble! And it floated and everything
D:Wha....
Me: It was just like a soap bubble, I have NEVER done that before, I have actual magical powers!

*Insert me coughing and spluttering trying to re-do it*

D: You know that means you only have 5 minutes to live
Me: Huh?
D: That bubble was your soul escaping...now you only have a few minutes left
Me: *continuing to cough and splutter to make a new bubble*
D: See it's already starting.

New Laptop

2011-06-03T14:46:00.001+01:00

Finally a shiny new laptop to replace the file-eating-slow-running-pile-o-crap old laptop I had :)

Cat Mafia Day 3

2011-06-02T08:18:00.000+01:00

Well no wars have broken out in the garden, except one between the squirrel and the magpie. The squirrel has been screaming at the magpie to get the hell out of it's tree, this noise can only be described as the screech a cat lets out when you step on their tail. Over and over and over again.
I helped the squirrel dislodge the magpie by accidentally bashing the wind chime with my elbow.

Me: Whoo I scared it off
D: Don't think it's going to come say thank you, and don't think if you start singing it'll come in and do the housework for you either

Dammit, that would be so cool!
In the meantime The squirrel did it's acrobatics on the fence while Roarke, being the dumb creature he is, tried to figure out if the noise it made was coming from the bushes....oblivious to the squirrel jumping over his head.

So everything seemed calm in 'foiled' land until we opened the front door.

This giant mouse is three times the size of the one we found before, which I translate as "I can take two of you - easy"

Squirrel Stupidity

2011-06-01T08:47:00.000+01:00

We have a 10ft high feeder in our garden strewn with all kinds of bird and squirrel treats. We have this because, as you know, I ADORE squirrels.
Last night D and I mowed the grass, weeded and cut back some scrub. We came down this morning to see that a very smart squirrel had knocked our feeder to the ground and was dancing across it gathering nuts, burying them, then gathering more, then doing a victory dance and burying them again....I could only imagine this dialogue..

"Omgoshies...NUTS....I am awesome I made nuts rain from the skiiy!
I'm going to bury them here for next time....wow there is more nuts here too, I'm a MAGIC squirrel I'm making nuts!!! I'll get some more nuts and bury them here......*skips round to feeder* HEY lookie, nuts! Awesome I found nuts, I'm gonna bury them to keep them safe...wow there are more nuts buried...I'm so magical......*turns round to feeder* Hey look some nuts!!!"

Poor thing buried them there last year and never found them again.....well until now.
I just wished I'd managed to see it surf the feeder to the ground! And the poor cats, who obviously had, were going crazy at the door to go chase this bouncing fluffy thing.

Mafia update:
Roarke spent all day yesterday laid in his basket, barely moving, not interested in din-dins (his favourite thing). He just kept giving me big ol' cow eyes and a "it's all over today" look as if he was going to the electric chair. He didn't even want to go outside! But he did get persuaded to sit on the outside of the door, while I was mowing the lawn, if he could have tied himself to the door though, I think he would have.
We didn't receive another 'gift' overnight but we think we've solved the problem. We're going to try fence the back of the yard off so our cats have a defined territory, at the moment we get the opinion they believe the forest belongs to them, and them alone. And three cats who won't work as a team can't exactly hold a mile long stretch of woodland.

Cat Mafia?

2011-05-31T10:22:00.000+01:00

There is a grey cat in my garden as of late. This is the same grey cat that I threatened to capture and abandon 30miles away - I'll perhaps explain that one another day.
It's been taking advantage of my girls and their naivety, I often see him disappearing in my garage meowing and they just trot along after him. I really need to have that talk with them about the "bad boys" of the feline world, and "just say no".
Now my boy cat has put up with this for only so long, every night he has been demanding to go out at 5pm just so her can go "rumble" with this cat. I have no idea why though since I always find him yowling, submissive and crouched under something while being beaten up, and last night was no different.
I came down the stairs to hear a massive cat fight outside, I threw the front door open and mr grey had pinned my darling Roarke to the ground underneath a car. I strode out...(in a see-through nightie no less) umbrella in hand and attempted to beat mr.grey off-of my property.
He left, more because he decided to, than because I actually achieved anything, and poor Roarkle came in acting like it was all a fuss over nothing when I could clearly see he'd literally wet himself.

This morning all three cats were anxious to get out of the front door, we opened it and there on the doorstep was a dead mouse. All three cats immediately adopted a crouched "ears back" stance, as if they had just been gifted a dead horse head, and refused to step outside.
Now I don't know exactly what the dead mouse means, whether it is an offering of love (yeah right, why buy the cow when you get the milk for free) or ...given the reaction...a promise of death. Cat Mafia maybe? I wonder where we humans fit into their payback plans. Can cats start fires? Maybe I'll just go test the smoke alarms....or maybe we really need a puppy now.

UPDATE: On further inspection the dead mouse's head has been cleaved in two.....

Busy, busy, busy

2011-05-27T14:36:00.000+01:00

I've been busy working today and got very bored of listening to myself type, so I youtube'd the word MUSIC and here is what i FOUND, enjoy :D

Is it technically work if it involves colouring in?

2011-05-26T11:04:00.000+01:00

This actually took an entire afternoon (can you believe) but is a rudimentary sketch of the store layout so I can begin sourcing custom bookshelves, just a taster of the things happening in my life right now, it's all very busy and exciting, we view again to measure up on the 7th, after that it's all about funding and costings before we make a final decision.

I'm a growned-up

2011-05-25T10:40:00.000+01:00

I'm all grown up today.
I have viewed some empty shop units....yes I want my own shop...and nothing made me feel quite as grown up as it did to be enquiring about rates, laws, insurance etc. I mean what child EVER went shopping - literally.
(one shop unit has a built-in SAFE - I think I slightly appeared less grown-up chanting - that is so AWESOME to the realtor). I conducted market research...which reminded me of being in school on a fieldtrip, and then I felt even more grown-up writing my first ever cheque and if that wasn't enough...I also applied for my driving license...watch out roads I'll be manoeuvring badly round you soon!

The last time I attempted driving my dad took me down a country road six years ago... I nearly drove us into a ditch by my positioning, and all those years of video games served me badly when the car didn't respond to my twitch of the wheel and while my dad was laughing at me telling me I have to turn it more than that. Damn you ridge racer!

I'm very excited about shoppage, it's an expensive move which will require a business development loan to cover a bit of extra stock and the shelving but it's a step I really want to take...as long as it's the best financial option. Really feel that I need to drive first though.
Grown-up view aside....
It's so pretty, and big, and light and airy and just how I imagined my shop would be and it's great and awesome and I can see myself there. And I want it.

How Roarke got disowned (and why you shouldn't piss mummy off)

2011-05-24T08:11:00.001+01:00

When Roarke was but a wee kitten I disowned him. Obviously things worked out okay (he may have some abandonment issues) but he's now a permanent member of our household. It definitely taught him to fear the wrath of mummy.

Back when Roarke was a kitten we hadn't long been in our new home. I'd done masses of laundry ready for our new wardrobes to arrive and it was all sat in a cardboard box in the corner of the living room. Now this box was massive, like the kind you might buy a washing machine in and I had filled it to the brim with clean clothes, ready for the iron.

One night we were sat watching TV when we noticed that Roarke had hopped into the box, I went over to scoop him out and what did I discover.....I discovered that he was PIDDLING all over my laundry. Well I was furious and told him so, he watched me dolefully as I discovered he had been doing his "business" in my laundry for at least a week and that the clothes underneath were ruined and cat-pee stinky.

I held Roarke up in front of me and told him "That's it, I don't love you any more you're no longer welcome in this house, and you can find a new home"
I walked across to the balcony door, opened it, put him down on the other side I shut the door, then proceeded to start putting all my laundry back into piles for washing while muttering expletives.
I'd hear the tiny kitten meows of him coming through the door and I'd remind him to go find a new home if he thinks he's going to wee on everything.
Throughout this D is doubled over with laughter at my anger and Roarke's attempts to apologise.
Eventually I opened the door again and Roarke stared up at me with his big ol' kitten eyes and I asked him. "HAVE YOU LEARNED YOUR LESSON?" I received a tiny "meow" so I scooped him up, told him I might be able to love him again and went back inside.

I have to say since that day he has been good as gold and the moment I say his name in an angry tone he's all apologetic. He knows the wrath of mummy is to be feared. and as I write this he is laid across my knee with a black smudge across his nose from some mischief or other.

Rapture

2011-05-23T09:13:00.000+01:00

A conversation I had with D's best friend, post rapture;

Grice: Ok, so about this 'The world's gonna end thing'... when exactly was it supposed to be again?
Me: Just before Doctor Who came on, I did dash upstairs to check that D was still there and hadn't been raptured, but then halfway up the stairs realised there wouldn't be much point checking...
Grice: If they were to take him and not me, I'd be mightily annoyed. But then, if they were to take me, I'd bne asking some serious questions of the selection process.
Me: I am still waiting for the giant cosmic joke where the rapture happens today, like a haha you got the date wrong "rapture NOW!" (I imagine that to be a bit like "Pokemon GO!" and everyone who was being stupid and laughing at the rapture...ahem...would have failed the big test.....oh yes....karma.
Grice: Well I wouldn't mind that so much as it will happen AFTER the end of the football season. Small comforts and all that.
Me: I'm pretty sure the rapture melts footballs
Grice: Dammit!

Ya'll better post so I know you survived....or is it just Grice, D and I left??? Cool, no lines at the movie theatre

Just in case....

2011-05-21T11:22:00.001+01:00

the rapture doesn't take pets now does it....

Zumba

2011-05-20T08:13:00.000+01:00

Well I've finally done the task on my 100 by 100 of completing an entire class without a break...but because the class was only 55 minutes long instead of 60 I feel like I've cheated and therefore have to have a do-over to get it to count. Not my fault class ended early but still..gutted.
On another plus I do get slightly out of breath in class but I'm no longer panting or dying so I feel fantastic. It has definitely raised my stamina levels :)

WTF Britney

2011-05-19T08:05:00.000+01:00

If you haven't seen it already...if you have, spare yourself the agony.

Here is a list of why her advert makes me want to rip my face off;

WTF did you go in a fortune parlour if you didn't want your fortune told

What do you think you're doing with those jewelled curtains...auditioning as a sex shop girl..oh yes you are

What does 'radiance' have to do with choosing your own destiny?

Why is there such a long pause between her asking the question and you responding

Again, what does 'radiance' have to do with CHOOSING YOUR OWN DESTINY!?!

At the end did you forget you fragrance wasn't called 'choose your own destiny'...cause it sure seems like you did.

Stupid annoying plastic woman! This advert is driving me crazy and it's on at least five times a night, if it doesn't stop soon my TV is going to get to know the toolbox hammer, very, very well